Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Disciplines For The Emotions

March 19, 2015

“She is a drama about to  explode.”

“Yes, and her friend is a walking drama.”

Talking about a couple of teenaged girls we know. And I thought, the mother of one is also a walking drama. Emotions worn on the outside. Voice always tinged with anxiety and, er, well, drama.

A friend recently wrote about fear being the source of anger. That is true. Especially fear born of insecurity.

On the other hand, Jesus showed anger. He made a mess of the Temple market. His anger came from a deep sense of what the Temple should be (a place of devout worship of the Father) versus what it had become (a sort of market system for selling animals to be sacrificed to pilgrims needing animals to sacrifice–probably with a comfortable profit margin).

We all have emotions. At least I hope we have not completely buried them. In that case, a trip to a shrink is in order. But the key is–how to we handle those feelings that seem to arise from our gut in a mature and helpful way?

I once had a lot of anger within. Mostly I dealt with it conquered it. The few times it bubbled up to the top over the past 20 years or more I remember with sorrow and repentance.

Remember, we are what we habitually do.

How can we change our habits to help put our emotions in their proper, healthy place?

One suggestion is to develop the habit of practicing gratitude.

I have now put it in my task manager software (I use Nozbe, you could use an outliner, or your calendar) to pop up once a week to sit in the morning and write those things for which I’m grateful.

This places things in perspective. One of my favorite sayings to remind me of perspective is, “In the scheme of life, just how important is this? Not so.” And then I’m reminded of the things in life that are worthy of my attention.

People You Can Live Better Without

February 26, 2015

From Proverbs:

18:24 — Some friends play at friendship but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin.

22:24 — Make no friends with those given to anger.

I saw this blog describing people you can live without.

Other people can cheer you up, or they can drag you down. Did you ever consider how long it takes to recover from a chance meeting with a negative person? Even if you try to maintain a level personality, a few words can bring down your emotional well being and cause grief.

It is difficult to be productive with such an attitude. A negative co-worker is like an anchor weighing you down to the bottom of the sea. A negative friend does not help you succeed. A needy person can suck all the energy out of you.

Take a lesson from Lidiya K as well as from Proverbs. These are people you can live without. Try to sever relations as quickly as possible.

Here is her list. Can you add to it?

  1. Complainers.
  2. The ones that are with you only in good times.
  3. Those who don’t believe in you.
  4. Victims.
  5. People who gossip.

Look instead for people who build up other people. People who are servants. People who are wise.

Making Decisions With The Heart

January 13, 2015

Emotional thinking. Make the big decisions with your heart, the small ones with your head. The electromagnetic frequency of the heart is ten thousand times stronger than that of the brain. The brain takes its orders from the heart.

Looking for practices to cultivate during the coming year, I ran across this thought from the head of an ad agency. I’m still pondering all the meaning of this statement.

Good salespeople know that we make decisions with our heart–or at least with our emotions. Logic and rationality come later to justify the decision.

Brain physiology has discovered that the links between emotion and brain are much more complex and deeper than we might have suspected.

All this flies in the face of 20th Century economic models that are built on the idea of an “economic man.” This hypothetical person makes only rational economic decisions. This person is fiction.

Do you know someone who makes, or tries to make, all decisions rationally? Do you know a person who can’t make decisions? Same guy. I’ve had clients who overanalyze, over think, worry, ask for more data, and never get around to making important decisions. I know many people, usually called engineers, with this disease.

With a heart

I’d like to play with the word heart that was used in the quote. Rather than use it in the sense of pure emotion, let’s take another look.

Jesus said that where we spend money reflects where our heart is. Jesus may have been the first cardiologist–he was most concerned with the status of our hearts. And what he meant wasn’t purely emotional. What he meant was the center of our life.

Where is our life centered? Is it on God? Is it on our own well being? Is it directed toward others? Is it on selfishness and greed?

Don’t take those questions lightly. After years of “heart” work, I still struggle at times with the condition of my heart. And just like I exercise, am careful what I eat, and take my meds to care for my physical heart, I also meditate, study, worship, serve to develop my spiritual heart.

I’m not sure what was meant in the quote, but as I develop the thought, there is a lot of truth. Develop your heart and let it be your guide in decision making.

Pause to Find Self-Awareness

December 19, 2014

Everywhere are conversations among people this week, “Are you ready for Christmas? I have so much to do. Not enough time to do it.”

We hurry from work to shopping to wrapping to parties to work. It’s all a big blur.

We don’t have time to “feel the Christmas spirit” because we don’t have time to notice.

Gene Appel, senior pastor of the Eastside Christian Church in Orange County, California, drew a lesson from one of Jesus’ stories to (and about) his local Pharisees in a message a few weeks ago.

It seems that a man had two sons. One tapped into the old man for a chunk of money and took off for the good life. One day after the money was gone, the friends were gone, the women were gone and he woke up in a pigpen, he “came to his senses.” He became what is one of the hardest things for us to do—to become self-aware.

When did he become self-aware? When he stopped. There was no more hurry. No more drinking, no more women, no more friends, no more hurrying from one party to the next. He stopped. And then he came to his senses.

Perhaps it is time we stop. Just pause and take a deep breath. Inhale until the lungs fill; then keep going until the stomach is “filled”; then keep going until the abdomen grows. Then slowly release the breath. Two or three of those should slow us down until we can become aware of our circumstances, our emotions, our environment.

Stop. Look around. Place your thoughts on Jesus. Rejoice in the celebration.

Listen For Healing

December 18, 2014

Trait of listening to people for healing; listening to God in preparation.

This comment just popped up in some notes I was reviewing. I have no idea where it came from. No idea what the context was. But, it’s interesting, isn’t it?

We’re in Advent, so preparation is on my mind. Much had to be prepared for Jesus arrival. Before conception, Mary had to be prepared. She had to listen to God’s messenger and pay attention.

After conception, Joseph had to be prepared. He, also, had to listen to a messenger of God.

This was listening in preparation. They each had to listen and then act.

But in the story, Zechariah and Elizabeth also had to listen and act. They were important, too. And their son, John, had also to listen (to his parents we presume) and then act.

Our challenge this week is to also listen. What words or thoughts are God whispering into our consciousness?

Then I thought about the healing part.

Who listens? Who talks?

Perhaps we need someone to listen to us. This is a time of year of great stress. There are all the holidays–gifts, parties, family. Also winter is coming on (here in the Northern Hemisphere). That stresses many.

Who do we have that will listen to us? Who will give a comforting word?

Or turn it around. Who needs us to listen to them? Do we realize just how much healing we can do by listening? That would be active listening, paying attention to the words, the feelings, the thoughts between the words. Understanding. Empathizing. Comforting. Praying.

Listening. Preparation. Healing. Comforting. Valuable Spiritual Disciplines.

Optimum Communication

October 29, 2014

My daughter recommended the book “Crucial Conversations” the other day. I now recommend it to you. It is a useful guide for both personal conversations (say, with a spouse) as well as for business settings whether for an individual situation or for meetings.

Achieving dialog forms the platform of the teaching. But perhaps we wonder what true dialog is.

Reading about Socrates as a youth, both through Plato’s writing and through a magazine series on the subject that I’ve long since lost and forgotten the title, bred my ideal of dialog.

A dialog is a conversation among two or more human beings on a topic that:

  • treats each person as an adult
  • moves the idea(s) forward to greater depth and understanding
  • is focused on the topic not the self

Accomplishing dialog requires focus on the other–what is said, not said, emotion, gestures. It allows for pauses as the conversation shifts from person to person. The reason for pauses is to give time to think rather than thinking while the other is talking.

It requires respect, in yourself as well as the others.

I have had great dialogs during business dinners (we don’t talk “business” the whole time, if at all) about life in the Spirit. I long for more dialogs about Jesus and the Spirit. They bring such joy.

There is much more to the book. I’ll share later. If you are about to have an important conversation with spouse, co-worker or boss, grab this book quickly.

Letting Anger Pollute Us

July 8, 2014

The US was caught up in World Cup fever even more than in the past. Soccer news has become more prominent. Unfortunately, not all that news is good. A referee in Michigan was just killed when an adult player became angry with a call and “sucker-punched” him in the head.

I’m not going to weigh in on the Second Amendment arguments, which carry more emotion than logic anyway. I do watch with increasing discomfort the wish of many to want to carry guns with them wherever they go. So many of the people I know about or read about who want guns are carrying anger with them. If there is someone I definitely don’t want around me, it’s someone with anger issues carrying a weapon where once you pull the trigger, there’s no “do over”.

Politics in America today involve much anger. I’ve read about “angry white men.” But there is no monopoly on anger in the country by any one group.

The thing that disappoints me more than about anything is reading Facebook posts from self-proclaimed Christians that are full of anger and cynicism.

Let’s look into Proverbs for guidance. “One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and one whose temper is controlled than one who captures a city.” (16:32)

I can remember a time in my life when anger was perhaps my controlling emotion. Then one day I had one of those experiences where you are outside of your body watching yourself in action. I thought, “How stupid.” I was maybe 13.

As Robert Burns, the Scottish poet put it (from Wikipedia):

Burns original
O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion:
What airs in dress an’ gait wad lea’e us,
An’ ev’n devotion!

Standard English translation
And would some Power the small gift give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion:
What airs in dress and gait would leave us,
And even devotion!

That one experience led to a life of controlling anger. Realizing that anger is an honest emotion that can help us overcome obstacles. But uncontrolled, it is a blazing sword that severs relationships and a poison that pollutes our lives.

The antidote is the inner peace and security that comes from nowhere but God.

Don’t Be Anxious

June 17, 2014

Twice the other day the subject of anxiety was raised. This is something with which I have some experience. My mom passed the ability to worry to my siblings and me. She worried about everything. She would worry if there was nothing to worry about because something might happen to cause worry.

Both times the question arose while discussing Yoga. The practice of Yoga is supposed to help one cope with or even overcome anxiety. And indeed, it does.

Dealing with anxiety begins with the awareness of being anxious. During Yoga practice, students are encouraged to continually use their minds to scan their bodies and emotions looking for things that are not right. Are you holding stress somewhere? I ask during almost every pose.

The technique that has worked best for me is to consciously divert my mind to something pleasurable. Focus on that and eventually the negative feeling fades away. Do this often enough and you begin to stop getting the feelings in the first place.

Another thing is something I brought up the other day that Jon Swanson pointed out. Concentrate on other people Don’t dwell on yourself, your feelings, your wishes, your desires. Focus on others. What do people close to you need? How can you help? Pray for other people.

Anxiety is still something I occasionally deal with. But far, far less than 30 years ago. And I know how to divert myself in time. Now, I have other problems 😉

It’s Hard To Focus On the Distant Future

June 2, 2014

Much Christian preaching involves the idea of “repent and someday you’ll inherit eternal life.” One of the study groups I attend has been working its way through the book of Revelation for the past eight months. They are trying to come to grips with the “someday the world will end” interpretation of the writing.

Daniel Goleman brings a wealth of science research into his writing and makes it both informative and approachable. “Emotional Intelligence” is my guidebook to emotionally healthy growth, right along with “The Ladder of Divine Ascent” by John Climacus, and early Desert Father of the church. Goleman’s latest book, “Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence”, includes a chapter discussing climate change and the trouble people have trying to be concerned about something where the results are far in the future.

It seems that our brains are wired to help us survive–but only from immediate danger. That would be the “fight or flight” response you’ve heard about. This is the most likely reason why public discussion about the climate has degenerated into polarized opinions rather than rational looks into the data.

I think some of the same brain physiology is at work in the “repent or someday you’ll go to Hell” evangelizing. That’s a someday thing that does not relate to our immediate survival.

It’s also a misreading of John, the apostle and writer. John is clear in his Gospel that eternal life comes to you the moment you believe. That moment is when we begin living in eternal life. Eternal life is not someday, it’s now.

We just acknowledge, “I was living like that, then I became aware that that life was not fruitful, so I decided to live in a different way as a follower of Jesus.”

How They’ll Know Us

May 30, 2014

How do the people outside the church know who the people inside the church are? Can they tell that there is a difference? When the church gathers, is it much like a Rotary meeting?

I’ve been reading in John’s Gospel for some time recently. There is a part toward the end where Jesus is instructing his followers on life after he’s gone. And he looks around at his ill-assorted group of followers, and he tells them, “This is how they’ll know you, by how you love one another.”

The church as described in Acts 2–long before it got so over-organized–grew rapidly because the people lived differently than people in the area. And that difference was good. And that difference is contagious.

And that difference has all-to-often gone away.

On bad days, one wonders if the whole life-style of love among Jesus-followers has evaporated completely.

The practice of Spiritual Disciplines is not an end in itself. The practice should lead us toward an attitude of love towards others. Love in such a way that others are attracted to this man called Jesus. Love such that others want to join together to celebrate and worship and participate in acts of service.

We can read the history of the church and see the immense divisiveness leading to bloodshed during the past 2,000 years. But we can also see those acts of love that kept the fire burning.

If we sense divisiveness in our groups, it’s time to practice loving others. They will know us by our love.