Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Are You Emotional or Rational or Both

May 6, 2014

Just watching people in a group setting recently, I noticed a large emotional response to a situation about which no one has facts. That started me thinking about three kinds of people–or rather three types of ways of relating to the world and to others.

As humans develop and grow, they begin as emotional beings. Responses to situations are driven by emotions. When our growth and development proceeds normally, we gradually develop the ability to reflect, think and apply reason.

Have you noticed that some people even as adults react with emotional responses untempered by using the thinking part of themselves? Many times these people quickly regret their response (eventually some sort of thinking/reflection sets in) and then they must apologize.

I’ve noticed that these people quite often exhibit a sort of narcissism–in their hearts, it’s all about them.

I work with engineers–a lot. Engineers are trained thinkers. Got me thinking of the opposite trait in people. They develop the thinking part while burying the emotional part (Jung, among others, had much to say about the effects of this). These people can be maddening to the emotional type of people. They can appear cold and aloof. They can also exhibit a sort of narcissism–it’s all about me and my thoughts.

What we really need to do to develop fully as humans is to recognize the emotional part of us, apply some controls over those to keep us stable through our thinking capability, and then seek to be filled by the Holy Spirit which will move us beyond both and let us experience others.

It’s important that we not just get carried away with a solely emotional response. That leads to instability, conflict, alienation from others. We need to be united with God and with others in order for us to be healthy and for our local organizations and societies to be healthy.

Perseverance and Perspective

April 25, 2014

Sometimes I like to touch on leadership issues. Several months ago, I took on a couple of leadership roles where some roadblocks popped up on the path. I’m still fighting through some. But I was reminded of two words that have stood me well over the years.

Perseverance. Perspective.

Someone asked me earlier this week how one of the roles I had undertaken was going. Moving along, I replied. I guess you just need perseverance. Sometimes you just have to keep moving, no matter what. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal. — Henry Ford.

Perspective means keeping the scope of live in mind. What does it all mean in the timeline of your life? There are things I’m taking on where I’m re-evaluating what the situation means in the scope of my life. Is this what I want to be doing? What is the importance relative to other things I’m doing?

I often ask the perspective question to dads and coaches (and sometimes moms) in youth soccer. The result of the 10-yr-olds game is not going to mean the difference of a World Cup draw seeding. Mostly they perspective of the kids is on the ice cream at the end of the game–win or lose.

Perspective will help your perseverance when your goals are aligned. When you are doing what you feel called to do. It will keep you going when obstacles seem like barriers rather than problems.

Willpower Is Key To Success

March 26, 2014

There was a child, a marshmallow, a closed room, and a promise.

This was an experiment a couple of decades ago where a researcher curious about willpower brought a child into a room. A marshmallow was placed on a table. The researcher stated he would have to leave the room, but he would return in 15 minutes. The child could eat the marshmallow, but if the child did not eat the marshmallow, then he/she would get two marshmallows upon the return of the researcher.

Some ate the marshmallow. Some didn’t.

A follow up on as many of the children as they could find after some 20+ years revealed that the children with the willpower to delay gratification were generally more successful in life than those lacking that one strength.

Daniel Goleman writes about this research in one chapter of his latest book, Focus. It turns out that willpower is more effective a predictor of a young child’s (ages 4-6) success in life than is social class or IQ.

How did the children who succeeded in resisting the temptation do it? They diverted their minds. Those whose thoughts dwelled on the marshmallow, ate it. Those who started singing a song to themselves, or talking to themselves, or played make-believe–in other words, those who diverted their thoughts from the marshmallow–were able to resist it.

Two takeaways.

If you are a parent or grandparent or otherwise can influence a child. Teach them to divert their thoughts to something else instead of continuing to focus on the errant behavior.

Or, for you…when your thoughts start to focus on something you’d rather not think about–be it that donut that is now staring at me as I write this or some worry or anxiety–start to think about something else. The willpower lies in intentionally (yesterday’s topic) choosing to think about something different from the negative thought. I first noticed that I did this myself over 40 years ago. I testify that it works.

Help a kid. Help yourself. Learn how to develop some willpower.

Watching and Overcoming Your Emotions

March 20, 2014

I am carrying an idea that I need to lose 10 lbs. People look at me and ask why, but I am at the top of “good” on the Body Mass Index. I think I’d be healthier if I were down in the middle–or about 10 lbs. lighter.

I make poor food choices at times and get lazy at the gym and drop to a brisk walk rather than run. The problem is really me. Like many people, I look for shortcuts. I used to drink an herbaI concoction called BrainTonIQ that was supposed to enhance brain functions and banish what the Desert Fathers called the “noon day demon” or that lethergy after lunch. The company developed TrimTonIQ that was supposed to promote weight loss. It is herbal, but that does not mean harmless.

My body started feeling different at times. What I really noticed was feelings almost like paranoia–people were against me. (Heck, maybe they really were, but that’s beside the point.) It was more akin to anxiety attacks.

I read a blog post recently about ways to start your morning like successful people do. The writer suggested one thing is to journal. In this way you think about feelings. That’s a good thing to do. You don’t need Freud or Jung or James. The Desert Fathers discovered much during their times of solitude the first two centuries after the founding of the Christian church.

They recognized that feelings can interfere with a Spiritual life. They categorized them. Arranged them into hierarchies. They talked about how to put them behind you so that you could concentrate on God.

I don’t remember what I was reading and taking notes on when it occurred to me what was going on. Immediately my mind went to diet. What had changed. Ah, the tonic. I poured out close to $50 worth of the stuff right then. Down the drain.

I know people whose emotions have been stirred by medications. I know people who just live mired in their emotions. I get lost into emotion at times. After all, it is a physical/mental response of the body.

Do as the Desert Fathers taught. Find space to contemplate what is going on in your self. What feelings have changed? What feelings are dominant. Are they interfering with prayer, study, meditation and relationships? Find the cause. Overcome emotions in order to truly live in the Spirit of God.

Release Hidden Tensions

February 7, 2014

Neighbors called the rescue squad. There was something unusually quiet about the apartment of the old woman. They entered, found her in distress, and took her to the hospital. She had one hand tightly clenched into a fist. They could not get her to release. Finally, a doctor in the emergency room pried open her hand. Inside was a quarter.

Henri Nouwen tells this story in the beginning of his book “With Open Hands.” It is an image that has stayed with me for many years. The image of someone desperately hanging on to something valuable. So incredibly tensed up. Hanging on.

Jesus told stories about people trying to hang on to things. And he taught about the futility of that. Today I’m told there is a TV series (maybe more than one) about “hoarders” who can’t bear to throw anything away.

I’d like to relate this to the mindfulness discussion I started with this week. And prayer–which is where Nouwen took the story.

Part of being mindful is to open up. Become open to the world around you. Become open to God. You cannot walk around and really be with people if you are tensed up with worry about things which are of no value to God and actually impede your relationship with God and people.

In Yoga, I put people into positions where they hold a pose designed to stretch and strengthen a  particular muscle or muscle group. Then I will suggest that they do a mental scan of their bodies at that time. If we are working the upper leg muscle (say in Warrior pose), we discover often that we are holding tension in our shoulders. We should not be holding tension there. We should only be working the leg muscle. We remind ourselves to relax.

While warming up, I will have the class in sitting position cross-legged on the mat. We sit erect, stretch our arms out straight, then bring the palms of the hands together in front. Breathing deeply, we bring our arms back until we are pinching the shoulder blades together. We put the thought in our minds that we are opening ourselves up to greet the day. Then we bring our arms forward on the exhale and put the thought in our minds that we are releasing all the tensions of the day. Repeat about 4-6 times.

We have our minds and bodies intentionally working together alert to the moment–and only the moment. Now we can pray.

Anticipation

January 7, 2014

We just went through the advent season of anticipation. I wonder if it was as intense as the anticipation of the last few days in the American Midwest.

I quit watching The Weather Channel at least a year ago. Way too much over-the-top hype. I quit watching network TV news (and weather) 25 years ago. Still, I knew there was a “winter storm” coming toward western Ohio for several days. It was supposed to hit Sunday.

Saturday I wasted a little time on Facebook. Saw the people posting from grocery stores about how the shelves were bare in certain areas of staple items. People talked about the coming storm with worry and even fear for several days.

It was two things–several inches of snow followed by cold weather. Really not an unusual occurrence in our area in the winter. It’s actually beautiful on the days following snow. The sky is blue, the air is clear, sunlight reflected from the snow and ice on trees is enchanting. Oh, the temperature may be single digits F and sometimes below, but we have modern furnaces and clothes to counter it.

In my area, the storm sort of fizzled out. We were about 40 miles to the east of the line dividing rain from snow. In the end we got a couple of inches. Oh, it’s -9F as I write this, up from -11F when I went to bed. The heavy wool sweater I bought in Norway is a help.

Still I ponder, we get so worked up and agitated with the hype of weather systems (OK, when a tornado is coming, even I get worried). I don’t sense the same level of awareness during the season of anticipating Jesus’ birth. We get snow every year. We get Christmas every year.

What do we need to do individually to recapture the anticipation of Jesus’ arrival. Maybe too many presents and parties, not enough reflection and worship and celebration?

(Personal note: I hope Jon made it home yesterday OK. The roads through Chicago were still treacherous, and I bet US30 through Indiana was slick. And I hope all my Midwest readers had the common sense to not venture too far into the cold and ice. Stay warm today.)

Spiritual and Emotional Maturity

December 23, 2013

I was taught a management study early in my career that has always stuck with me. Let’s say there are two types of bosses and two other types. These fit in a 2×2 matrix (in management circles, everything fits in a 2×2 matrix). That yields a box composed of four squares. On one side you measure either good feel for people or poor feel for people. On the other you measure good intellectual control over emotions and poor intellectual control over emotions.

Best boss

There are four possible combinations of the two sets. When people were surveyed, which do you think came out as the best boss?

Turns out that feel for people did not matter. What mattered was intellectual control over emotions. People wanted a stable boss, not one whose emotions controlled her/him.

That one lesson led to a lifetime of learning about the topic.

Once again, early in my education I was studying meditation. What better place to study how meditation helps you see God than to study the early Christian “desert Fathers.” I found the book “The Ladder of Divine Ascent” by John Climacus.

Wonder what that book is about? Getting control over your emotions. You could read that instead of Freud and be much the wiser.

Today’s lesson

Last week I listened to a TED Talk by Sally Kohn. She is the “gay, lesbian Talking Head” on Fox. The point was about emotionally connecting to people even if you disagree with them on politics versus letting pure emotion drive combativeness, hate and anger. She called it being emotionally correct (riffing off politically correct). I call it emotional maturity (or you can take it as Emotional Intelligence after the title of a book).

Then I heard about some sort of scuffle about some guy who looks like an aging ZZ Top singer–I guess some sort of reality TV guy from Louisiana (I have no idea what Duck Dynasty is, and I don’t really care to learn) who spouted off with a bunch of emotionally charged opinions.

So, everyone goes off on their opinions. I finally decided to read what the guy said. It’s the same stuff I grew up with. Every white male (and most females) held the same opinions and considered themselves the model of Christianity. In fact, about half of the people I’m connected with on Facebook are still at that level.

What comes to mind in both cases is emotional maturity. Or lack thereof.

There are ways to say things that just stir up people. Or, there are ways to emotionally connect with people to show a more mature nature. People in general respond to the emotionally mature person, even if they don’t agree with everything.

I am trying to learn that sort of maturity. Sometimes I slip. Then I am convicted of my failure.

One last thought–don’t get all worked up about TV and terms like freedom of speech. TV is all about money. And people who are concerned first and foremost with money do not want to offend groups of people with money who might part with it to them. Ask a friend who similarly lost a job.

There is freedom of speech. Then there is the freedom to speak wisely.

Anticipation and Stress

December 10, 2013

Advent. Anticipation. Anxiety.

Were you ever about to do something, and then the thought hits “how did I ever get myself into this situation?”

Maybe it was when you were about to get into the car to attempt the world’s largest roller coaster? Or making a big speech in front of a large crowd? Or getting into your car in anticipation of a family Christmas gathering with weather coming in?

Often anticipation and anxiety go together. Maybe that is one reasons psychologists always talk about the weeks leading up to Christmas as one of the most stressful times of the year.

Maybe it’s not so much about celebrating Jesus’ coming into the world as much as all the family stuff, office parties, buying presents, sending cards, other gatherings, need to be cheerful, and so on. We certainly know how to stress ourselves at this time of year.

There are practices that humans have developed to counter these stresses. Mindfulness means paying attention to only the present moment–what’s around you, what your state is, your task at hand. Consciously regulating your breathing whether lying, seated or walking helps bring you into a conscious state of mind.

I don’t teach Yoga as a religion, but as a physical practice and for developing the state of mind of being in the present moment.

Another practice is one that Bill Hybels teaches at Willow Creek Community Church–15 minutes in your chair every morning reading the Bible and contemplating. Gets your day off to a more focused start.

Two more practices are complementary. One is to practice gratitude thanking God for all the things you are grateful for. The other is to practice forgiveness–forgiving others for perceived slights and recognizing your own need for forgiveness for the things you have done to others.

Watching The Status of Your Heart

November 25, 2013

Last summer, my doctor thought he found some severe heart problems–in me. I spent a little more than a day in the hospital. Saw my heart on the echocardiogram. Underwent several other tests. Mostly we learned that, while my heart isn’t in perfect condition, it’s not all that bad.

That’s much like my “other” heart–the one Jesus talks about. The one Jesus was most concerned with. He always probed people for the state of their heart. His point about the Pharisees was that they were more concerned with what was outside while the status of their hearts seemed to be sick.

I’m reading Andy Stanley’s book “Enemies of the Heart” right now. He discusses some diseases of the inner heart, the root causes of the diseases and then some practical advice for correction. I heard his sermon series that precipitated the book, so I had a head start. I’m sure I’ll be analyzing more later as I finish the book.

For now, I think I’ll tie into my last post about listening to yourself.

What do you often say that you wish you didn’t? Would you say, “That really doesn’t sound like me?” What about when someone does something wrong and people always say, “He was such a good person.”

Stanly says that no, they weren’t. What comes out of you is a reflection of the state of your heart. You can’t always hide what’s in your heart. It comes out eventually. That is why it is so important to listen to what you say and observe what you do. This information is an indicator about your heart. Just like the probes and tests I underwent last summer.

Paul tells us in Romans that we are all sinners, but also that we have a way out. That’s called God’s grace. But we have to be aware of that and ask for it.

Awareness of the state of your heart helps to focus prayers on fixing your problems–sort of like the medicines I’m on. I’m pondering comments I’ve been making lately. What is in my heart that causes them? I am looking for insight into the causes so that I can change. Life is a series of these corrections which over time we would hope would become smaller and smaller as we achieve maturity in the Spirit.

Self Discipline Requires Listening to Yourself

November 22, 2013

Want to be a better person? Lose weight? Be more “spiritual”? Succeed in whatever endeavor you are involved in?

Don’t we all? Don’t we all wish it would be easy?

Sorry, it isn’t. I’ve been doing some reading on habits, disciplines, getting things done. Thought I’d assemble a few of the thoughts into one post.

Do you have a clear picture of the kind of person you’d like to be? How you’d like to look. How you’d like to interact with other people. A good teacher said once that before you know what to do, you need to know who you want to be.

Have a picture in your mind? Good.

Now there are two things to watch about yourself. But first, a word about that “watch yourself” phrase. The phrase “know thyself” from ancient wisdom teaching is too easily repeated and too difficult implemented. Psychologist pioneer Roberto Assagioli taught us to work on the ability to stop outside of ourselves mentally and see ourselves acting.

So, you are in a check out line in a store. Someone in front of you has 13 items (you counted) in the 12-item-or-less express check out lane. You say something inappropriate. You do not see the desired effect. You say it again louder. Ah, but then you have stepped outside yourself mentally and you see how you are acting and hear what you are saying. Now, you feel differently.

The first step in growth is to watch your urges and learn not to act on your childish whims. See yourself as you throw a temper tantrum or whine or say cutting things meant to hurt others.

The second step is listening. Listen to your inner self-rationalizations. Realize when your mind begins to blame others or justify an action through the famous “everyone else does it.”

Now begin to look for patterns. If one and two happen too often—say a couple of times a day—then maybe it is time for a heart checkup. Not with the cardiologist. With a friend, spiritual guide, pastor. Someone who will help you change your inner problems that cause those situations. Maybe anger, guilt, anxiety. All the things that getting back into the practice of Spiritual disciplines will heal.