Forgive Yourself

September 19, 2023

When you talk to yourself, what do you say most often?

Maybe a random thought comes recalling a past incident where you did or said something stupid? Or perhaps when you were wrong or made a bad decision?

Maybe you say things to yourself such as “you’re so stupid” or “you’ll never make it” or similar comments?

Maybe you hurt someone in some way. Your thoughts return to that.

You can’t forgive yourself.

We have been taught since childhood about forgiving others. And we should. Forgiveness is a helpful way of life.

It is not selfish to forgive ourselves.

In our nightly recap of the day where we reflect on where we were helpful and where we missed the chance, forgiving ourselves our shortcomings needs to be included. In that way, we can begin a new day fresh and ready for new adventures.

Fail Well

September 18, 2023

Seth Godin, entrepreneur and acute observer of life, wrote, “I’ve been doing it wrong all along This is one of the great benefits of learning. It’s also a common challenge. When we get better at something, it is preceded by a moment of incompetence. In that moment, we’re not exactly sure how to do it better, but we realize that the way we’d been doing it wasn’t nearly as useful.”

Often we humans are resistant to acknowledging we have been wrong and that change would be a good thing. Reading Thomas Merton this weekend, I saw, “A humble man is not afraid of failure.”

Godin proceeds with an example: It can be something prosaic–I learned last week that I’d been preheating my dosa pan for too long, and that’s why (paradoxically) they weren’t becoming crispy. Years of consistent behavior overturned in one moment. Or it can be something more profound, changing our perceptions of others and ourselves. If you need to be proven right, learning is a challenge. If you’re eager to be proven wrong, learning is delightful.

This fits with a podcast I heard last week from Guy Kawasaki’s “Remarkable People.” He talked with Harvard Business School Professor Amy Edmondson. Her latest book ‘Right Kind of Wrong: The Science of Failing Well,’ describes three kinds of failure. 

  • The good kind of failure, which I call intelligent failure. We can call a failure intelligent when it is genuinely novel territory. We are in pursuit of an opportunity. We’ve done our homework, we’ve thought about what might happen, and we’ve designed a test of that hypothesis and finally, the failure is as small as possible to still be able to learn from it. You don’t want to make bigger bets than you have to in uncertain territory.
  • The other two kinds of failures we do want to prevent. The simplest kind of failure I call a basic failure, and it’s basic because it has a single cause. That single cause is usually human error. I put the milk in the cabinet instead of in the refrigerator and the milk spoils, so that’s a basic failure. That’s one that’s pretty trivial, but it’s one that happens because we’re not paying attention or we’re not maybe trained in an activity that we’re trying to do, we haven’t had enough training, we haven’t done our homework, what have you. Those are obviously not worth celebrating.
  • The third kind is what I call complex failures and they are, as the title suggests, multi causal. They generally happen because of a complex mix of factors. Some of them external, some of them internal. They come together in just the wrong way to produce a bad outcome. A supply chain breakdown during a global pandemic is a complex failure. The supply chain has struggled to deliver the goods and services that needed to because of a combination of things, people sick and not able to come to work, a shipping route’s being disrupted, storms that might happen and exacerbate the whole thing.

Are you leading an organization or only your life. You try something, it fails, you learn and move on. Some you are just not paying attention. Maybe more training would help. Some are from a system. You must periodically review your systems and see if they are still your servants—or are you their servant.

Multiple Points of View

September 15, 2023

The thoughts began with a discussion about Affirmative Action and the US Supreme Court’s decision effectively eliminating it because it discriminates against white men. 

So, I suggested that we just step back and look at the issue from various points of view. Not every white male is rich and powerful. Not every female person is the same as others. Not every black person is the same. Just try sometime to list a number of different people. Then say, what if I were that person. How would I feel? What would I want? Then go to the next person on the list.

This is also a great study technique. Maybe to study the stories Jesus told. Or study other stories in the Bible. Perhaps a good way to study history.

Works for relationships. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What would they need or want? How would they feel if I …?

I hate to be the one to tell you [no, wait, I don’t hate that] that the world and all its people do not exist to serve you. You’re worried about what other people think about you? Don’t! They aren’t.

Two Important Characteristics

September 14, 2023

Many times I see the same teaching and wisdom passed on. Two important characteristics of successful (not necessarily rich, that’s another thing) people are curiosity and imagination.

And I wonder…

What does it mean when it says in the Bible he worshipped…?

What does it mean when God says I will be with you?

Why does the Apostle Paul throw in so many weird, seemingly out of context, sentences?

Why did Jesus say so many things to his followers assuming they knew what he was saying when they hadn’t a clue?

Or, why did those followers write all that down making themselves look foolish?

How is it that these disparate and scattered Christian fellowships survived without a single written comprehensive document (Bible) and creed for 300 years? Why do we fight over that now?

What did it feel like to be part of the crowd on that hillside sloping down to the Lake when Jesus preached his Sermon?

What was it like walking with Jesus and his many companions as we journeyed through Galilee and into Judah? Did we sing songs? Did people jostle for position close enough to Jesus to hear him?  How many conversations happened along the way? Relationships formed?

Some people live within the belief passed on to them when they were eight years old? Some of us wonder—what if? What happened? What was it like?

What If You Didn’t Have to be Perfect?

September 13, 2023

I subscribe to a lot of research on a number of issues. Rather than look at media (national or social) headlines for information, I get it from the sources. This research about weight loss is informative.

Researchers looked at what happens to your mental health when you go on a restrictive diet plan. The researchers found that people who went on restrictive plans had higher levels of binge eating, more food cravings, less control, more preoccupation with food, and more guilt when they ate foods they enjoyed.

In fact, according to the National Weight Control Registry (NWCR), a list of more than 10,000 people who have lost weight—and kept it off for years — tend to eat carbs, enjoy breakfast, and avoid extreme restrictions and gimmicks. It’s the opposite of what you hear in most diets, and that’s not a coincidence.

Here’s your new game plan: stop chasing 100 percent weeks and start avoiding 0% weeks. Instead of every decision being black and white, or every day being make or break, zoom out, see the bigger picture, enjoy some flexibility, and give yourself space to build better habits.

This thought applies to almost all areas of our life.

Suppose we see Richard J. Foster’s list of spiritual disciplines, or read Igantius of Loyola’s rules, or Dallas Willard’s writing. Suppose you try to follow these perfectly.

Then imagine yourself in a state of frenzy caused by missing one of the rules or falling short on worship or service or reading. And you feel bad. The fruit of the spirit are missing in your life even though you are trying so hard.

Quit.

The child is sick. The boss calls an impromptu meeting. A sudden travel requirement pops up. You can’t get in all the study, meditating, service, prayer today. 

That’s OK. It happens. Just don’t let it become a habit. We can’t be perfect.

Like the writer about nutrition above says. You can’t always get 100% weeks. Just don’t have any 0% weeks.

The first management conference I attended many years ago featured a productivity consultant. His mantra? Try Easy.

I Am With You

September 12, 2023

Haggai, the prophet, wrote that God said, “I am with you.”

Jesus told his followers at the end of his ministry, “I will be with you.”

What does that mean?

Is it more than a feeling (sounds like a 60s love song)?

Jon Swanson asked once when Jesus asks you to follow him, what would you pack? Great question.

So, I packed to follow Jesus, because he is with me.

Literally? (OK, you Biblical literalists, hit me with that.)

Do I just think he is with me?

Do I believe that he is right here in the room with me? Do I see him? Hear him? Smell him?

Maybe I feel his presence in a way that cannot really be described in prose. It is more than a feeling. Yet, it is not a physical presence. I think they have hospitals for people who say they can see, touch and smell Jesus or God right now.

These meandering thoughts remind me of a Jesus movement song from a long time ago–love is something you do, not always something that you feel, but it’s real.

Yeah, that’s it.

Look Inside For Causes

September 11, 2023

So instead of loving what you think is peace, love other men and love God above all. And instead of hating the people you think are warmers, hate the appetites and the disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war. If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed–but hate these things in yourself, not in another.

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Oh, how easy it is to look at others and judge. How difficult to look within and see all the evil residing therein.

Somewhere inside we need a pause button. Like before we speak. Probably every time.

We look at someone and a story about them comes to mind. Usually not a good story. We think the worst.

Maybe if we hit that pause button and then ask a conversation starting (not ending!) question and actually listen. Maybe by listening we hear a story. Almost always that story will change the opinion. We discover people who are hurting just like us (who won’t admit it).

Maybe there is grief in the family. There are many kinds. They hurt.

Maybe they just feel left out. All they needed was someone to greet them and listen to them.

Maybe a recent diagnosis–theirs or family or friend–is weighing on them.

Maybe we pray for peace and justice, but even there we need that pause button and look inside at our attitudes towards other–maybe fear based on our own insecurities, maybe dislike merging with hatred of someone different, maybe rooting for war somewhere.

Pause and look inside. I know. I have. There’s no perfection there. Work remains to be done.

In Pursuit of Virtue

September 8, 2023

The realization hit me squarely in the face. Recent reading seems to return to the theme of virtue. Christian reading. Reading from the Stoics. General reading.

Virtue.

I’d like to believe I lead a life of virtue. Don’t you? Wouldn’t it hurt if someone told us, “What you just did was not virtuous.”

Me, being me, wondered, what does it mean to be virtuous?

One of my bosses told me many years ago that everyone knew who the good teachers in the school were even though you couldn’t quantify it. He was an engineer. That’s an amazing statement from a numbers-driven person.

Perhaps virtue is similar. We all know a virtuous person even if we can’t really define it.

But, that doesn’t help us. When we leave our beds in the morning (or whenever you happen to rise), how are we going to behave starting then in a way that could be described as virtuous?

I’m not a fan of lists. Especially lists of rules we need to follow. Sometimes, though, a list can spur our thinking. Beginning a list of 20 thoughts about a topic can lead to a breakthrough idea. I offer this list from Benjamin Franklin, yes that guy whose face adorns the 100-dollar bill. He was a fan of checklists and introspection. He had a checklist of these virtues that he would use to measure his day every evening.

This list comes courtesy of Wikipedia.

  • Temperance: Eat not to Dullness. Drink not to Elevation.
  • Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling Conversation.
  • Order: Let all your Things have their Places. Let each Part of your Business have its Time.
  • Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.
  • Frugality: Make no Expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e. Waste nothing.
  • Industry: Lose no Time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary Actions.
  • Sincerity: Use no hurtful Deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
  • Justice: Wrong none, by doing Injuries or omitting the Benefits that are your Duty.
  • Moderation: Avoid Extremes. Forbear resenting Injuries so much as you think they deserve.
  • Cleanliness: Tolerate no Uncleanness in Body, Clothes or Habitation.
  • Tranquility: Be not disturbed at Trifles, or at Accidents common or unavoidable.
  • Chastity: Rarely use Venery but for Health or Offspring; Never to Dullness, Weakness, or the Injury of your own or another’s Peace or Reputation.
  • Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Managing Projects and Attention

September 7, 2023

My day began poorly. The time management gurus tell you not to check email until late morning. I have had a project that runs first of August until mid-October for 35 years. I assign referees to high school soccer matches. The job is getting harder and harder.

This morning I opened email at 5:45 AM. Dale says, “I am still injured and cannot do tonight’s game.” First thing to do is send an email to my entire list of referees hoping someone will see and respond. Then I leave for my workout, which I miss only in extreme situations. After no one responds by 9:00, I go through my list and cull five people who might possibly be open and send them direct messages. I contact the school’s Athletic Director to alert him. I alert the other official. Meanwhile, I’m trying to finish three games on Saturday.

By 3:00 PM I’ve done all I can and all the kids are going to get to play their games.

Amongst that mental work, I found time out to practice Spanish and German on my Duolingo app. Different sort of mental stress.

Now at 5:00 PM I had taken a walk and a 15-minute power nap. My mind is now focused to write a couple of short essays.

Yesterday I wrote about a to do list as a menu. Some days your time is like choosing from a menu. I have a pretty scripted routine of reading, working out, writing, taking breaks to work on soccer, and so forth.

Some days everything gets turned around. I just have to solve the emergency. Go to the meeting. Whatever the situation may be. Then pause, breathe, and choose from the menu of things to tackle next.

Too many days like this, and the chances of living in chaos increase. But, not to worry. Routine, if established long enough, will return. It’s called resilience. Flexibility. Keys to sanity.

How Do You Get Things Done?

September 6, 2023

I try to stay on the positive side of looking for ways to live a meaningful life. Sometimes I let my observations of human behavior lead in a more cynical direction, but that’s just me.

Rather than an illustration from the Bible I picked up an idea from an interesting English writer—Oliver Burkeman who writes The Imperfectionist blog and wrote the influential book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals.

Let’s say you go to a nice restaurant. They show you to a table. You and your guest are seated. They hand you an elegantly printed menu. You look over all the options presented and choose. Perhaps you choose an appetizer to start dinner. Then you choose a salad, an entre, and a dessert. Perhaps a bottle of wine to complement the meal.

Now, let’s change the venue. You are at your desk. You need to decide what to do next. You look at your to do list. You know, that list that never stops growing thanks to email and Slack and other computerized incoming enemies.

Do you just take the top item? Do it? Check it off? Then look at the next thing?

Do you look at the list and panic at its size?

How about your email? You read about “inbox zero” but know that it is an unachievable vision of heaven.

Burkeman suggests looking at these things like a menu. Ah, I’m presented with a fine list of options. Which shall I work on now? I will select this one first as an appetizer. Later I’ll select the entre.

Thank you, Oliver. Somehow I feel a little better about the whole productivity thing.