Are you about to hire someone? Perhaps you’ve met a new friend? Want to know about them? Go out to dinner or a good lunch. Watch how they treat the hostess. How do they interact with the server? How do they treat the other restaurant staff?
How one treats servers in these unguarded moments reveals character.
By the way, how do you (I) treat servers?
Maybe it’s time for an attitude change.
People want to be able to say anything that comes to mind. Unfounded opinions expressed to a friend at the coffee shop is one thing. Amplifying those comments through social media is a leap.
Words have consequences. You may offend one friend. Or, you may stir a hornet’s nest of reaction. And you may be surprised at consequences—lost friends, lost job opportunities, lost position.
Yes, we can say whatever we want. But there are consequences. We cannot avoid responsibility for what we say. Indeed, we need to assume responsibility. “Free speech” without assuming responsibility is merely the behavior of a toddler. A 2-year-old, or a 4-year-old, or even a 17-year-old. But an adult—they should be aware that what they say has consequences and sometimes we are advised by Wisdom to keep our mouths closed and our fingers still.
Somedays it seems that everyone is a complainer. Others are always wrong. They inconvenience me. “What?! It’s not all about me?”
I thought about a useless complaint on a Facebook group. I thought about the complainer. She has a Facebook badge for contributions to the group chat. The posts are always complaints.
I reread some of my daily meditations. The words seemed bold and 36 point. Practice compassion.
Perhaps people just complain as cry to be noticed? Perhaps replying with compassion will eventually soothe the troubled soul? And my own.
Life exists in the tension between seeming opposites. Take solitude and community.
Our spiritual journey must include periods of solitude. Time in the desert—whether real or metaphorical. There we meet ourselves. There also we meet God.
We must leave solitude at times in order to complete the cycle. Whether it is to meet with one or two friends or students or a larger community, our spirit craves others. Where else can we fulfill our commitment to God through service to others?
Finding that balance leads to life.
Who, what, when, where, and how are also important words.
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand, why do you say that?”
“I am not sure what you mean. What do you mean?”
“That is interesting (when someone says something with which you disagree). Where did you learn that?”
Of course, when you use these words, it follows that you must listen carefully. Otherwise, all is futile.
When you don’t understand something, ask why five times. Sometimes even by the third time understanding will come.
If you were on a long train ride with the smartest person in the world, what would you ask her?
How long would it take before you returned to doom scrolling on your phone?
How long can you maintain thinking without diversion?
What don’t you know that you would like to know?
I knew a teacher of the Bible who would get to a point where there were questions. He would say, “I guess we’ll have to save that one up to ask God when we get to heaven.” What if we had the patience and attention to ask God now and then wait for an answer?
I was taught to express myself as if I knew. These writings are the results of exploring. Searching for answers to many questions. Mostly, how to live in a healthy, positive way with-God. Every day brings a new wonder to consider.
I may have mentioned before that I’ve been receiving the Pump newsletter from Arnold Schwarzenegger. He sucked me in with the phrase “a positive corner of the Internet.” Don’t know about you, but I could use more positivity.
People who study these things have told us that anger often comes from insecurities and fear. Hate, also, has deep roots within our own emotional construction. Here is a story from Arnold from a recent event.
Last week, I had an event at the Schwarzenegger Institute at USC on fighting the rising hate we’ve seen all over the world. We had a panel about how to communicate to pull people away from a path of hate, and a former neo-Nazi who now helps other extremists out of their movements shared his perspective. Something he shared stuck with me, and I wanted to share it with all of you. Because it is wisdom that can help anyone — not just people who are consumed by hate. He said that the further he got away from his old beliefs, the more he realized that in the days when he carried that hateful flag and shouted racist and anti-Semitic rhetoric, the person he really hated was himself. He believes he was projecting that hate onto other groups because it was a lot harder to turn inward and work on his own insecurities.
Many of us meditate hoping for experiences and visions of the divine. The meditative experience that most influenced me was when I was shown every form of evil and sin revealing that these are all buried within me. The realization that I was capable of all sin (see the first chapters of Paul’s Letter to the Romans for example) provided insights and tools for dealing with that. And the empathy for others who also struggle with that same whether they know it or not. It, by the way, is a life-long struggle. Just like the realization of this man quoted above.
According to the evidence at our disposal, the expansion of the churches was not organized, the product of a mission program; it simply happened. Further, the growth was not carefully thought through. Early Christian leaders did not engage in debates between rival “mission strategies.”
Alan Kreider
As one grows older and stays observant, recurring patterns of behavior occur. I took a “church growth” class in the late ’70s. I later knew several pastors with advanced degrees with that speciality. Same basic knowledge.
What I learned—it’s all about leadership, not so much knowledge.
Many businesses and churches have vision statements and mission statements. (Side note: I wonder why have both. Seems both redundant and confusing. Which are the people to follow?)
My studies over many years agree with Kreider’s. Many people joined the new first century movement because of the types of lives they saw among the believers. I’ve read histories of the plagues in Rome under emperors such as Marcus Aurelius where Christians came out of hiding (a dangerous thing) to serve the sick and dying in whatever way they could. These acts of selfless love also spurred tremendous growth of the movement.
I don’t think Jesus was confusing. Matthew says that just before he ascended, Jesus just left one mission statement—
GO into the entire world,
TEACH what he taught,
MAKE disciples (that is, followers who would presumably do this same thing),
LIVE knowing Jesus is still with them (us) guiding the way.
The question to us—are we content to sit in our little circle of friends or are we living an inviting life of service and joy?
Quite by accident the second edition of “Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling,” by Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein appeared in my mail the other day. Reviewing some older notes, I saw the recommendation. When this book arrived, I discovered I had the first edition on my bookshelf. The second edition was worth the refresher.
Do you know any long-time elementary school teachers? Ever listen to them? Do their questions sound often like a prosecuting attorney going after a criminal suspect?
Do we catch ourselves asking questions to test other people? Or questions where we wish to discover if they are for us or against us? Questions meant to trap us—like often were posed to Jesus?
The gentle art of asking questions instead of telling people reveals true curiosity. We want to know what someone else is thinking—really.
The gentle art draws people in rather than establishing a barrier between people. Its foundation includes trust, sincerity, mindfulness. I would add intention.
So often we ask, but then we fail to listen to the answer. Listening, that is, that involves our complete attention.
I wrote about this book five years ago. It’s one of those books that requires a reread periodically. It’s brief. Readable. New insights will pop out each reading.
Simplicity—we are approaching travel season. How do you travel?
When Jesus sent his followers out on a training mission, he told them to take nothing with them.
Thanks to laptop and digital files, anti-microbial marino wool T-shirts, water-(and red wine) shedding slacks, I’ve learned to take a 3-4 day business trip with only a backpack. I can do a week’s vacation to most places that way. The reduced load on my mind (and my back) by learning to get by with less is freeing.
This, of course, is a metaphor for living a simpler life in general. What can you reduce, throw out, unclutter? How much emotional crap are you carrying that should be disposed of? How many physical objects are getting in your way?
Gary Mintchell
Faith Venture 