Posts Tagged ‘Relationship’

How They’ll Know Us

May 30, 2014

How do the people outside the church know who the people inside the church are? Can they tell that there is a difference? When the church gathers, is it much like a Rotary meeting?

I’ve been reading in John’s Gospel for some time recently. There is a part toward the end where Jesus is instructing his followers on life after he’s gone. And he looks around at his ill-assorted group of followers, and he tells them, “This is how they’ll know you, by how you love one another.”

The church as described in Acts 2–long before it got so over-organized–grew rapidly because the people lived differently than people in the area. And that difference was good. And that difference is contagious.

And that difference has all-to-often gone away.

On bad days, one wonders if the whole life-style of love among Jesus-followers has evaporated completely.

The practice of Spiritual Disciplines is not an end in itself. The practice should lead us toward an attitude of love towards others. Love in such a way that others are attracted to this man called Jesus. Love such that others want to join together to celebrate and worship and participate in acts of service.

We can read the history of the church and see the immense divisiveness leading to bloodshed during the past 2,000 years. But we can also see those acts of love that kept the fire burning.

If we sense divisiveness in our groups, it’s time to practice loving others. They will know us by our love.

Listening Actively Using Your Heart

April 30, 2014

For some reason, this morning I’m thinking about listening. I keep running into people who listen only to hear what they want to hear. They pick up something that satisfies their feelings and go with it.

This thought goes along with the brain research that has shown that our brain is capable of believing whatever “we” tell it to believe. Leading a reflective life, we can think about our thinking and hopefully see when that happens to us and make a course correction.

I turn to examples of people who listened. One comment I overheard recently (they weren’t talking to me, but I was listening 😉 was that Jesus listened with his heart to what people said with theirs. He heard not only the words, but also the feelings, motivations, needs, desires, fears that were all part of the message.

I thought about the powerful Persian emperor who heard Nehemiah completely when he asked what was bothering him and then listened as Nehemiah explained his pain and his hope. And then the emperor provided all that Nehemiah needed to fulfill his dream of restoring the walls of Jerusalem.

Active listening means placing our complete attention on the speaker. We think nothing. We observe. What are the words? What is the tone of voice? What is the posture of the body? Where are the eyes looking? What is the context, history? Are we looking at the person? Perhaps nodding our heads as a sign that we are listening and hearing?

And we need to listen to ourselves. Have we convinced ourselves of some truth. Maybe convincing ourselves that we listened to someone when we didn’t?

Yesterday, I listened to a podcast that is a panel of technology pundits discussing the latest company and technology news in the electronics field. One of the panelists is always an outspoken evangelist of the latest gadgets. He loved Google Glass. A year ago. Then nothing happened with the product. He explained on this latest discussion his disenchantment. Another pundit said, “Kudos to you, Robert, for not only having the courage to change your mind, but also to state it publicly.”

When you listen to others, listen completely. When you listen to yourself, listen completely. Have the courage to change your mind if you find yourself in error. That happens to the best of us.

I Saw It Coming

April 16, 2014

Ever been in a situation where you see the first incident that could lead to a decision, and then continue to observe and watch the situation degenerate into something bad?

I’m reflecting on a call I made in Sunday’s men’s soccer match. Score 3-2. Team with 3 is attacking down at the opponent’s goal. Defender puts his body against the attacker with the ball. That’s the point of decision. The point that really captures my attention. Instead of denying the attacker access to the goal by that means (legal), defender decides to start pushing against the attacker with his body. I could see it coming. He must have moved the attacker five yards. Then the attacker went down.

This is the “moment of truth.” Do I have the courage to make the call? Because of the situation with the two teams and the level of play, I called penalty kick and the score was 4-2 with one minute to play.

But the thing is, I saw it coming. And I waited to see which decision the defender made.

Same thing can happen in our relationships. Have you seen a friend, colleague, or relative find themselves in a situation and then make a small decision? And then another? And another until someone calls Foul? And you said, “I saw it coming.”

I’ve been in too many conversations where the Christians around me are calling Foul on others when they saw it coming.

What about with you? Remember Jesus’ exaggerated comparison of seeing a mote in someone else’s eye and missing the log in your own? Do you recognize when you are in a situation and making that first small decision?

Maybe it’s relationship, maybe fitness and health, maybe ethics. And someone could say, “I saw it coming.” It would be best if we saw it coming to ourselves and diverted. Or if we were kind to a fellow human and tell them we see it coming and can we help them divert.

This week the Christian community remembers Jesus’ final week. When he and his closest followers went from triumph to despair to defeat to final victory. He saw it coming. Tried to prepare the others. They didn’t understand for days. Same can happen to us.

Being Compassionate

April 3, 2014

Do you notice that there are “memes” that run through Facebook? Someone starts a thought that gets repeated by many for a day or two.

A recent meme circulated by many of my “friends” on Facebook had to do with getting rid of “deadbeats”. They don’t say what they’d do with them; but they want them gone.

I wonder if any of these sheltered people know any poor people relationally. It’s easy. In America today, millions of people are just one illness away from bankruptcy.

What gets to me more than the politics is the attitude. When I glance through the posts–many from people I know personally–the cynicism, arrogance, and lack of empathy just totally strikes at my heart. Are these people really that heartless? Or are they just parroting the “party line?”

Willow Creek Community Church just began its annual three-weekend long Compassion series called Celebration of Hope. Last Sunday, Executive Pastor and Director of Compassion and Justice, Heather Larson, spoke on compassion. This message deserves a listen.

I’m not the kind of liberal who arose especially in the late 60s who is optimistic that government can be a tool to eradicate all poverty and injustice. Neither am I the type of conservative prevalent today that seems to reflect the attitude of self-centeredness and condescension.

I would rather challenge everyone whatever their social status to have compassion toward everyone and especially those who have suffered misfortune. That is one of the things we do to live like a disciple of Jesus.

Facing Conflict

April 1, 2014

Do you like conflict? Like confrontation? Like to make someone else angry?

How do you deal with it?

I hate it. My basic life orientation is toward peace, calming people, making people feel good. Yet, sometimes I get into situations where I need to face conflict and confrontation. A mentor told me once, “The trouble is you’re a change agent.” Yes, if you try to make changes, you’ll upset someone. Then you have to face it.

There are at least two of those situations in my life right now…no, maybe three.

There’s a story in the Gospel of John that has double brackets around it in my translation. This story was not universally included in ancient transcripts of the Gospel. It even appeared in Luke in some ancient manuscripts. But it is a story within Jesus’ character.

This is the story of the woman caught in adultery. Jesus was teaching in the Temple. The Temple leaders brought a woman caught in the act of adultery to Jesus. Since Jesus had healed someone on the Sabbath in defiance of their interpretation of Moses’ Law. They wanted to test him according to the Law–which mandated stoning the woman (but the man was also to be punished, and he was not caught).

This is the famous “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Then he looked down at the ground and wrote (we don’t know what).

Think of the psychology. He was confronted by an angry and suspicious mob. He confronted them with a statement that made them think. But he did not stare at them accusingly. He just looked down and let them decide individually.

What a model. I’m sure something for me to learn from that. Be strong, but not provocative.

Living within Relationship

March 5, 2014

“They wanted to kill him all the more because he called himself Son of God, therefore making himself equal to God.”

John uses the story of the healing to lead into an argument about who Jesus is. The religious leaders didn’t like Jesus’ attitude toward the Sabbath. This struck right at the heart of their religious system. It struck at the very existence of their profession.

John often uses a “spiral” argument where he makes a statement and then restates drawing in an example, then restates drawing another example. I doubt that Jesus had this public discourse at that time in the Temple. Most likely John took Jesus’ statements and wove them into an argument in order to convince his readers who Jesus was.

Jesus was confounding the system and the people who perpetrate it. Instead of the idea of a remote God who could only be pleased if the worshipper follows all the rules and the rules about rules, Jesus brought the concept of relationship.

I am the Son of God, says Jesus. God is my Father. Remember in other places in the Gospels, it is recorded that Jesus calls us all into the relationship. He tells us to pray to the Father. He promises that we can be sons of God. This is competely revolutionary.

What is our experience with relationships? I think that I must have been borderline autistic (if there is such a thing) as a kid. Maybe not, but maybe just that I didn’t have any example of good relationships growing up. So I still have some difficulty that way. I can get withdrawn.

But then I experienced the relationship Jesus talks about. It changed everything. When Jesus talked about eternal life, it was in the present tense. It didn’t mean someday when you die and go to heaven. He almost never talked about that. Eternal life–life in relationship with God–begins when we enter into it. This preceeds understanding. It happens, then we begin to understand.

Forget about the rules. Jesus (and Paul quite forcefully) recognized that first comes relationship. Then in living in the relationship, we just naturally do the things that God wants us to do. Maybe not perfectly, but we grow into it.

Relationship comes first; then living according to the law. Not following all the rules first and then hoping that God will like you. The Pharisees had it backwards. So do today’s Pharisees.

I’ve spent many years now learning to live in relationship. How are you doing? Think about it.

It’s Not Where We’re Going, It’s What We Do

February 19, 2014

My study is in a period of John. One of my small groups is reading the Gospel, another the Revelation. I’m more interested in the Gospel.

I’ve been reflecting on all my readings of the Gospels over the past 50 years or so. The thought popped up some time ago–the message of the Gospels and indeed the message of Jesus rarely had anything to do with heaven and hell.

Many of my friends devote many cycles of their brain functioning worrying about who is going to heaven and who is going to hell.

Mostly the message is all about our relationships. Primarily our relationship to God. That determines our relationships to money (often a topic) and to others. That may be why thinkers such as Richard Foster and Dallas Willard talk so much about the “with-God” life.

I started to meditate in my late teens. The theory was that you meditated to achieve “enlightenment” or a God experience. Many contemplatives have written about their revelations and experiences. I have also on occasion.

But this old Zen proverb just came to my attention again–“Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.”

It’s not about enlightenment, God experiences or who’s going to heaven. It’s about what we do and how we do it and our motivations in the next minute. I often ask my students, “When you leave this room, what will you do? How will you act? What will be your attitude?”

Am I living with-God minute-by-minute? It’s the relationship.

We Are Not Entitled

November 20, 2013

My wife came home from a volunteer service talking about a conversation she had with a woman from the area. Someone who knows my family, I guess.

The woman was complaining about everything. Just from one thing to another. She talked about how her daughter had limited career choices because of policies coming from Washington. “There is no financial reason to become a doctor because of Obamacare.” How not everyone who wants to cannot attend college. “We’ll be just like Europe where they have to take a test to get into college.”

And there was more. So my wife came home with questions.

People have been complaining about lack of financial incentives to become a medical doctor for at least 20 years. First it was liability insurance, then payments from insurance companies. Frankly, if anyone tells you they know everything about Obamacare, they are lying. I don’t think a single person is in existence that can understand complex legislation that makes it through our Congress. Especially a Congress person. Especially someone who gets their information from a neighbor or TV news.

I put all her comments together and thought two things. One, she would be one of those people who says, “I’m entitled to my opinion.” Second, she is among the many in America who believe they are entitled to happiness and anything their heart desires. Heck, there are even people who think they are entitled to opinions on Scripture without ever having studied it. Do you know people who cite Bible verses that aren’t even in the Bible? Happens all the time.

Sorry to break this news, but we’re not entitled to our opinions—unless they are based on facts and deliberate reasoning. And faith. In fact, we’re not entitled to anything.

Paul, writing in Romans, begins by telling us that we are all sinners and not entitled to anything except going straight to Hell. Then he reasons from the facts of his Scriptures and Jesus’ life and teachings. And he concludes there is no hope except for God’s grace.

With God’s grace, we have the freedom to live a good life. We have the freedom to become a disciple of Jesus, living in service to others leading them to discipleship in their turn.

Take TV news. Last night at my birthday dinner at Subway after our Yoga class, my wife points to the TV displaying a suicide and attack on his father and asks, do we really need to know that?

Exactly. We fill our minds with useless junk and then want to spout meaningless opinions on topics of which we have no knowledge.

We are not entitled. We are expected to partake of God’s grace, study His words, become disciples and guide others toward becoming disciples. I don’t think you’d like it if you got what you deserved.

Be careful with negative talk that will turn people off and ruin the opportunity to teach them about a life of freedom in Jesus.

Discipleship Means Changing Your Life

October 31, 2013

Jesus tells a story, actually an analogy, about wineskins and new wine. He said that you put new wine in new wineskins and old wine in old wineskins. If you put new wine that is still fermenting and therefore expanding into old wineskins that are stiff and fragile, then the skin will break and all will be lost.

He was talking about his message as the new wine. If he talked to people who were set in their ways and unwilling to change, then the message would not have any effect and all would be lost.

If the message entered people who were fresh and new and receptive to it, then they would grow with the message and the message (fresh wine) would be useful.

Parables, or stories, are almost always about people and their relationship to the message Jesus was teaching. This teaching is an important life lesson–even for us older people.

It is actually possible for us to age, yet remain fresh and receptive in our outlooks. We can try to remain open to new facts, experiences, knowledge. Even as we grow, we can continue to be mentally and spiritually fresh. Or, we can become rigid in our beliefs, unable to accept new ideas. Then the message will lose its impact and we are in danger of becoming Jesus’ enemies–the Pharisees. These are the people who put laws ahead of love; put knowledge ahead of spirit; put ritual actions above living out God’s will.

One of the reasons to practice Spiritual Disciplines is to find ways to remain fresh and receptive to God’s message. Daily prayer, meditation, study and service help us to live God’s message as a part of our daily lives. Not because there is some law that orders us to do certain things. But because we are living with Jesus every moment.

Seeing Without Observing

October 10, 2013

Most people seem to go through life seeing, but not really “seeing” or observing at a deeper level. Normal human condition is one of near total self-absorption. People see others mainly in relation to what their impact is on them.

I have seen parents who see their children, not for what they are as unique individuals, but more as an extension of themselves. 30 years of refereeing and coaching soccer (plus living through being the parent of an athlete and not always being the perfect example of the right way to be) has given me perspective on the whole “living life through your kids” syndrome. The same works for the famous “stage mother” type.

Seeing without observing causes one to miss opportunities to serve and to miss nudgings of the Holy Spirit. You don’t really see the person who needs help with a load. Or the person with troubles. Or the person who is rejoicing and appreciates when someone notices and rejoices with them. Or when the Spirit nudges you toward saying something meaningful to another.

Jesus seemed always to be aware of everything going on around him. This doesn’t mean that he didn’t pray for his own situation–obviously he did. But look at the number of times he was aware of what the Pharisees were saying about him. About the time the woman knew she would be healed if she but touched Jesus’ robe–and he felt the energy. He didn’t wander around absorbed in his own thoughts. He was always watching people.

We must also be careful about looking to Jesus as an example. John Ortberg taught last Sunday on the book, “Zealot.” I had not heard of the book, but it’s another in a long line of books saying basically that Jesus was not who we think he is. Rather, he was just another man in a long line of failed Zealots. Ortberg takes the author to task much better than could ever do. Click the link and find the sermon podcast. Well worth a listen.

During the talk, Ortberg mentioned that often when someone writes about Jesus, they are really describing themselves. That is, the don’t really look at Jesus, but at what they like and make Jesus fit the mold. I realized that years ago, and try hard to discern the real Jesus–as well as the real Paul. We all confuse them so much with what we’d really like for them to be and say.

But that’s part of observing. Sometimes it takes a long time to finally figure it out. A long time to realize your own prejudices in how you observe.

A daily discipline is to clear your head every morning through silent meditation for even just a few minutes and ask God to help you focus on others, not yourself.