Posts Tagged ‘maturity’

Copy The Right Master

December 27, 2013

Yesterday, I wrote about human development. How we learn from copying the master and then incorporate those learnings into our lives so that we can then create within our own personality.

What about choosing the right masters to copy from? That is important for art, but even more so in spiritual development.

Jesus is such a hard model to follow. He was so perfect. He could do things that we’ll never do. On the other hand, he taught in the tradition of creating disciples. These are people who follow the master and try to emulate him. In certain Jewish religious circles even today you will see men wearing clothing of a certain style. This is the style of clothing that their master (teacher) wears.

What do we do to look like our teacher–Jesus? I am more and more convinced that the main point of the Bible story is to teach us how to live your lives. Jesus spends very little time talking about heaven. He spends almost all of his instruction time on how to live.

He’ll answer such things as how we treat other people, upon whom do we focus when faced with decisions (hint: God), how we manage our resources, how to teach, what to teach, how to bring healing to people.

People will say, “I believe.” Maybe they will even say, “I believe in my heart.” Jesus would say, “Fine, but what about that decision to spend money on another new TV rather than provide help to the homeless?” Or, “How about the way you treated the people you met today?”

It boils down to whether we focus on what God would have us do or whether we settled for satisfying our own pleasures or wants. It’s whether we model our lives on the way Jesus lived or on a rock star.

Choose your master consciously with discernment.

Spiritual and Emotional Maturity

December 23, 2013

I was taught a management study early in my career that has always stuck with me. Let’s say there are two types of bosses and two other types. These fit in a 2×2 matrix (in management circles, everything fits in a 2×2 matrix). That yields a box composed of four squares. On one side you measure either good feel for people or poor feel for people. On the other you measure good intellectual control over emotions and poor intellectual control over emotions.

Best boss

There are four possible combinations of the two sets. When people were surveyed, which do you think came out as the best boss?

Turns out that feel for people did not matter. What mattered was intellectual control over emotions. People wanted a stable boss, not one whose emotions controlled her/him.

That one lesson led to a lifetime of learning about the topic.

Once again, early in my education I was studying meditation. What better place to study how meditation helps you see God than to study the early Christian “desert Fathers.” I found the book “The Ladder of Divine Ascent” by John Climacus.

Wonder what that book is about? Getting control over your emotions. You could read that instead of Freud and be much the wiser.

Today’s lesson

Last week I listened to a TED Talk by Sally Kohn. She is the “gay, lesbian Talking Head” on Fox. The point was about emotionally connecting to people even if you disagree with them on politics versus letting pure emotion drive combativeness, hate and anger. She called it being emotionally correct (riffing off politically correct). I call it emotional maturity (or you can take it as Emotional Intelligence after the title of a book).

Then I heard about some sort of scuffle about some guy who looks like an aging ZZ Top singer–I guess some sort of reality TV guy from Louisiana (I have no idea what Duck Dynasty is, and I don’t really care to learn) who spouted off with a bunch of emotionally charged opinions.

So, everyone goes off on their opinions. I finally decided to read what the guy said. It’s the same stuff I grew up with. Every white male (and most females) held the same opinions and considered themselves the model of Christianity. In fact, about half of the people I’m connected with on Facebook are still at that level.

What comes to mind in both cases is emotional maturity. Or lack thereof.

There are ways to say things that just stir up people. Or, there are ways to emotionally connect with people to show a more mature nature. People in general respond to the emotionally mature person, even if they don’t agree with everything.

I am trying to learn that sort of maturity. Sometimes I slip. Then I am convicted of my failure.

One last thought–don’t get all worked up about TV and terms like freedom of speech. TV is all about money. And people who are concerned first and foremost with money do not want to offend groups of people with money who might part with it to them. Ask a friend who similarly lost a job.

There is freedom of speech. Then there is the freedom to speak wisely.

From Gratitude To Advent

December 2, 2013

I pretty much took the Thanksgiving weekend off. At least off from thinking and writing. Not off from all physical activity, though. About 90 minutes in the backyard teaching my grandson how to beat a defender one-v-one (soccer) led to a little stiffness in muscles too little used for three days.

Last weekend in America is all about gratitude–at least in theory. The reality is that while some of us may pause and reflect upon the many things we are or should be grateful for, all the news and hype of the weekend point toward self-gratification (Black Friday–the day when retail outlets determine their profitability for the year).

Sometimes I think that even when buying for others, people generally are thinking about themselves–how they will be perceived or how they will be reciprocated.

Advent

We immediately transition from gratitude to advent–the coming of Jesus. An event for which we should have ultimate gratitude.

But once again we have turned the season from reliving the anticipation of the coming of Jesus into a season of self-indulgence. From marketing messages through mass media, you’d think that all that mattered was what to buy. Then there’s all the “secular Christmas” music that’s all about Santa Claus, nostalgia, what I want for Christmas.

I don’t want to sound like Scrooge, or the Grinch. I love being generous. Christmas trees and lights are fun. (By the way, we found where the Griswalds moved to–my daughter’s neighborhood. Reference to the classic Christmas Vacation–my favorite Christmas movie. See I can have fun, too.)

Where these thoughts were coalescing this morning was around what I see as a major factor in interpersonal dysfunction–why we can’t get along together. That would be narcissism. “It’s all about me.” It’s hard to consider others when it’s all about me. An excellent book on the subject (in addition to Proverbs and the Gospels) is “The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement” by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell.

Jesus had every reason to be “full of himself.” Aside from the “I am” statements in the Gospel of John, he was pretty much focused on other people–their needs, fears, hearts, direction, lives.

The writer of the book of Hebrews calls Jesus the “pioneer of the faith.” As a follower, I’m trying to emulate his focus on others. This is a good season to remind ourselves to practice this.

Respect for Humanity

November 18, 2013

Some years ago, there was an executive of a major corporation who made himself (with the aid of some skilled public relations people and a couple of books) into a “god” for managers. He had only a couple of big ideas. One was that every manager should rank every employee on a bell curve and fire those who ranked in the bottom 10% regardless of their actual contribution.

Last week, another CEO of an American technology company was exposed of implementing that same philosophy at her company despite the fact that this management philosophy has now been long discredited and dropped by many of its former followers.

The first executive is Jack Welch of GE. He built a house of cards that took his successor several years to fix. Yet many people still extol his “virtues” even until this day.

The second is Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo. She is trying to turn around a failing company. That is hard enough, but she also faces strong competitors and a shortage of skilled people. Seems like she would be better served by doing things to lead her people into greater performance.

Bell curves, as all of us who endured the education system know, inevitably force people to compete with one another. That is certainly not the way of modern, high-performance organizations.

Toyota has long held three principles as its core value: Customer First, Respect for Humanity, Eliminate Waste. Hmmm, Respect for Humanity. Think Mayer missed the plane when that idea went.

When Jesus came along (and you have to read the entire New Testament in this light), the main and only organization was Rome. Its CEO, if you will, was the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace–Caesar. The only value Rome extolled was power. Life was all about who had power over whom.

Jesus turned the entire Roman world on its head. He reversed every Roman teaching and replaced it with Love first. He who would lead must be a servant.

Many of us in management roles have tried to live this one out. Obviously many have not. Even in Christian organizations, power seems to rule over humanity. And where God is in all that, I guess God only knows as the saying holds.

Thought for the day: How are we treating others?

Trying Too Hard

October 14, 2013

Do you find yourself trying too hard?

Maybe it’s your expectations for your children. Maybe it’s a message that you are trying to get across to others. Maybe it’s an organization that you are trying to move. You sense resistance and you try harder. But the harder you try, the less response you perceive.

I’ve seen this and experienced this. The very first management conference I ever attended, in the mid-70s, featured one of those motivational speaker types. I’ll never forget his core message, though, “Try Easy.”

Of course you should try to accomplish things. You should try to show the way for your children. You should try to move your organization forward. Just don’t overdo it. I’ve seen sales people fail miserably because they press too hard. I’ve seen people burn out because they try so hard they lose perspective.

Jesus said, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear…. But strive first for the dominion of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6)

I have a picture of Jesus as an intense man. I bet people sensed his intensity from a long way off. And I think there was also a sense of urgency.

Nowhere do I get the picture of Jesus as pressing forward rapidly. He traveled with intention, but never seemed rushed. He seldom lost his temper.

And, he accomplished his mission.

We can also. Know your goal, your strengths, your reality. Just keep moving with intentionality. But don’t go overboard with worry and effort. Try…Easy.

In Old Age They Still Produce Fruit

October 9, 2013

“If you keep on living, you’re gonna get old.” from a blues song.

Someone asked me once where I get ideas for posts. Well, from what I read, listen to, and observe. Recently I have been listening to “Bluesville” on Sirius XM when I’m driving and not otherwise listening to podcasts. This line from a song caught my attention.

There was a restaurant our staff frequented in the early 80s in a north suburb of Dayton, Ohio, where the slogan was, “If I’d have known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.” I think that’s the implied message of the song.

From the time I was quite young, I pictured myself as one of those old guru type of guys, wise and calm and focused on God. It’s weird for an adolescent to think that, I guess, but it must have come from all the philosophy and theology I was reading even back then.

Where do you see yourself as you grow old?

Psalm 92 has an interesting picture:

The righteous flourish like the palm tree,

and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

They are planted in the house of the Lord;

they flourish in the courts of our God.

In old age they still produce fruit;

they are always green and full of sap,

showing that the Lord is upright;

Those who are rooted in God will flourish in old age (if we keep on living, as the song says). Always green, bearing fruit.

I know people who retire in order to essentially do nothing–or to just wallow in self-absorption. I do not see that in my future. I am always looking for new ideas, new ministries, new things to learn, new ways to serve.

“They are planted in the house of the Lord” means that we are rooted in the Word and the Spirit of God. And along with James we live out our faith refusing to become lazy in self-indulgence.

Seek Good Things of the Mind

October 7, 2013

Seek ye first the good things of the mind, and the rest will either be supplied or its loss will not be felt. — Francis Bacon

I know some people (guys) who spend quite a lot of time watching the talk and opinion shows on Fox. I am sure there are people who are the same watching MSNBC, I just don’t know any of them.

These shows are designed to get their audience all fired up so that they will keep watching. They fill minds with negativity, aggression, us vs. them divisions. The guys I know then spend the rest of the day grumpy and argumentative.

Francis Bacon wrote several hundred years ago. But he echoed wisdom from the Bible of a couple of thousand years before him. A couple of decades ago, Earl Nightengale wrote that he searched for years to find the secret of a successful life. He concluded, “You become what you think about.”

These are powerful thoughts. We have the power to choose how we become. We choose what to fill our minds with. In so doing, we choose what we become.

Do we become loving, considerate, strong and confident? Or do we become argumentative, self-absorbed, ungrateful? It’s the result of the choices we make when we fill our minds.

I guess the next time I choose whether to watch a mindless TV show or read a good book, I need to consider the outcomes. Oh, it’s OK to kick back and relax once in a while. But we need to watch what we do when we relax–and be careful that “relaxing” doesn’t become our normal lifestyle.

Leadership Example of Peter

September 25, 2013

Remember the first time you were thrust into a leadership role in your organization?

Did you feel prepared? Scared? Uncertain about the role of a leader?

It looks easy when you sit back and criticize other leaders. But to actually do it yourself…that’s quite another thing.

Or maybe it’s the first time you gave someone a leadership position for their first time. Did you feel you prepared the person? Did you wonder if they were ready?

I think often about the insight of Jesus and the growth of Peter. Jesus gathered twelve close followers in order to give them special training so that his movement would survive his death. The twelve were all talented, but they had different skills.

Jesus looked at Peter and saw the courage and personality of a future leader. But he also saw the rough edges. There was a sort of double meaning when Jesus told Simon that he was “Peter” (rock) the foundation of the movement. But this was the first indication of what Jesus saw special in him.

But still, Peter was unprepared for the events that would thrust him into the position. With John as his intellectual partner who could keep the theology straight, Peter was the man of action. It probably took him three months to digest the new reality of life after Jesus. But then he started preaching, healing, arguing.

And he grew into a great leader.

I love that example that we don’t just become great leaders overnight. It takes years of preparation and testing. It takes reflecting on what we’re doing as we do the work of leadership. We, too, can be like Peter and grow into leadership in whatever situation of life we find ourselves.

Reflect on Peter’s growth and overcome discouragement. Continue onward and grow you future leaders.

Emotional Intelligence Requires Managing Relationships

August 9, 2013

I started thinking about emotional intelligence when I witnessed a nasty altercation that almost became physical in the waiting area of an airport this week.

We looked at acknowledging our own emotions and then managing them. That is a very hard step–especially when we are caught up in a deep emotion. It’s hard, but necessary to step back away from ourselves. There is a skill where you can mentally step out of your body and see yourself as others see you. That act can be very insightful.

Then we learn to look at others. Take notice of their emotional state. Listen to them. Ask questions or provide support to them.

We can see where this is going. First we see ourselves. Then we acknowledge others. Finally, we have the relationship among people.

I’m not sure that I’m the role model for relationship. I have been married (to the same woman) for more than 40 years. I guess that says something. I just returned home from a conference that I’ve attended for 16 years. Over that time, I’ve grown into relationships of another sort with many people I see every year. Those business relationships that merge over into somewhat personal are most gratifying. I’ve cheered their successes, empathized with challenges.

Sometimes relationships can be less healthy. Maybe there are ones where we just seem to feed some negative emotion of the other person. Maybe we just can’t help ourselves from annoying, provoking or enabling bad behaviour in certain other persons.

That’s where we need to go back to step one. Then step two. Then straighten out that relationship. Or–walk away from it. There are people with whom I’ll never get along. I just keep them out of my life as much as possible–like removing a tumor, I suppose.

Mostly, I’ve found that listening, empathy and a smile go a long way towards promoting many types of healthy relationships–from gate agents at the airport to people who are closest. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect. Far from it. And I tend to avoid confrontation when that might be the best response in a situation. But try my three little tips. See if you don’t get along better.

Emotional Intelligence

August 6, 2013

I was just pacing off some energy before the next four-hour plane ride in the area in front of Gate A24 in Newark. Then I noticed loud voices very close to me. They were not saying kind things.

A belligerent middle-aged guy wearing a cowboy hat had accosted a younger guy. Seems that the older guy was just wandering, weaving as he walked and the younger guy was rushing to what he thought would be a close call to make his flight. I take it he said something about getting out of my way. (But, it’s Newark, flight was delayed 35 minutes.)

As it happened, I was directly behind the cowboy. I am not trained or knowledgeable about martial arts. I had these thoughts about how I could grab his arm if he decided to swing. The younger guy just kept saying, I was just trying to get past you, why don’t you just go get on your plane.

Emotional Intelligence

I had just been looking over some old notes and saw my notes from the book “Emotional Intelligence,” by Lennick & Kiel. The first two steps toward gaining emotional intelligence are:

  • Knowing one’s emotions
  • Managing emotions

These are much harder to do than to read–and even to understand. Can you feel it when your temperature starts to rise? Do you know your various emotions and how they affect you? Sometimes make you angry. Sometimes depressed.

The second step goes beyond recognizing. It’s acting. I can still remember, to my great embarrassment, the last time I exploded. Almost 10 years ago. But I knew how I react when I’m threatened. Especially by super aggressive people. I knew the emotion. I was unable to manage the emotion.

I’m glad the cowboy picked up his things and wandered away. The other guy and his friend were like “what the heck just happened?” I was relieved that there was no physical altercation.

But I thought, airports can be a stressful environment. When you bring baggage of not the “roll-aboard” kind, you can spread unpleasantness.

Or, you could smile.