Posts Tagged ‘maturity’

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People You Can Live Better Without

February 26, 2015

From Proverbs:

18:24 — Some friends play at friendship but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin.

22:24 — Make no friends with those given to anger.

I saw this blog describing people you can live without.

Other people can cheer you up, or they can drag you down. Did you ever consider how long it takes to recover from a chance meeting with a negative person? Even if you try to maintain a level personality, a few words can bring down your emotional well being and cause grief.

It is difficult to be productive with such an attitude. A negative co-worker is like an anchor weighing you down to the bottom of the sea. A negative friend does not help you succeed. A needy person can suck all the energy out of you.

Take a lesson from Lidiya K as well as from Proverbs. These are people you can live without. Try to sever relations as quickly as possible.

Here is her list. Can you add to it?

  1. Complainers.
  2. The ones that are with you only in good times.
  3. Those who don’t believe in you.
  4. Victims.
  5. People who gossip.

Look instead for people who build up other people. People who are servants. People who are wise.

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Measure Your Priorities in Life

December 22, 2014

Jesus told us to watch what we do with our money, wealth and possessions. Their use is an indicator of the status of our heart.

This is probably a good time of the year to pause our hectic holiday activities and search out what our priorities are.

Where are your priorities? How can we know? This time of year, commercialization grabs center stage. Yet, also, there are opportunities to donate to any of seemingly a million causes. Do you pick some causes important to you or your understanding of mission? Do you donate? Or is your spending ruled by yourself?

Christmas is a boom time for luxury car sales. Those must be presents for oneself.

You can apply this to other areas of life. Take a look at a church budget and divide into two buckets. Take a look at your personal overall budget and put into two buckets. Check out your Christmas budget. Yep. Divide into two buckets. One bucket is for your personal (or the church’s internal) use. The other is for outreach/mission/evangelism/other-focused. What is the proportion of one bucket to the other? If it is greater than 50/50 weighted toward inward/personal, what does that say about you?

Pause, reflect, take appropriate action. Don’t be a Grinch. Help others have a happy Christmas time.

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It’s Hard To Focus On the Distant Future

June 2, 2014

Much Christian preaching involves the idea of “repent and someday you’ll inherit eternal life.” One of the study groups I attend has been working its way through the book of Revelation for the past eight months. They are trying to come to grips with the “someday the world will end” interpretation of the writing.

Daniel Goleman brings a wealth of science research into his writing and makes it both informative and approachable. “Emotional Intelligence” is my guidebook to emotionally healthy growth, right along with “The Ladder of Divine Ascent” by John Climacus, and early Desert Father of the church. Goleman’s latest book, “Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence”, includes a chapter discussing climate change and the trouble people have trying to be concerned about something where the results are far in the future.

It seems that our brains are wired to help us survive–but only from immediate danger. That would be the “fight or flight” response you’ve heard about. This is the most likely reason why public discussion about the climate has degenerated into polarized opinions rather than rational looks into the data.

I think some of the same brain physiology is at work in the “repent or someday you’ll go to Hell” evangelizing. That’s a someday thing that does not relate to our immediate survival.

It’s also a misreading of John, the apostle and writer. John is clear in his Gospel that eternal life comes to you the moment you believe. That moment is when we begin living in eternal life. Eternal life is not someday, it’s now.

We just acknowledge, “I was living like that, then I became aware that that life was not fruitful, so I decided to live in a different way as a follower of Jesus.”

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Share The Wealth With A New Generation

May 21, 2014

Yes, I am traveling again. This week two conferences in two cities. Actually, I found two additional conferences at the Houston Hilton Americas and the George R. Brown Convention Center. So three so far. Today driving to San Antonio for another conference. Then home for a little while (most of a week).

Last weekend I recruited and organized referees for a youth soccer tournament. For the first time in my career I heard the vast majority of coaches actually giving instructions to their players. Usually they just scream at them from across the field to do things that I bet they had not practiced.

As far as referees, I had a mixture of experienced adults and beginning youth. I had an opportunity to work with a young lady who had a grand total of one game of experience. She was great. There were opportunities for me to chat with her and give her encouragement. Then I could write to the referee leaders in her area to suggest they work with her to bring her along.

I heard several of the young referees talk about how much they learned during the two days.

That’s why I’m involved. I love the sport, of course. But I love to see people develop. I teach the skills of soccer refereeing, but I also teach life skills about decision making, being strong, getting into physical shape, working with a team.

Andy Stanley (on this podcast) talks about “Sharing the Wealth.” What are we doing to help the next generation take our place–and do it better? Teaching, mentoring, encouraging, providing experiences are some things we can do.

We are not here to live only for ourselves like so many unfortunately believe and preach. We are here to help other humans develop and grow. What are you doing?

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Change What You Do

May 9, 2014

If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten. — Henry Ford

Ever feel in a rut? Are you old enough to remember the little cartoon passed around captioned, “The hurrieder I go, the behinder I get”?

Lately, I’ve been exposed to several instances (all names deleted to protect the guilty–which may include me) where people persist in doing (or wanting to do) the same things as always, but they expect different results (I believe that’s an Einstein quote regarding insanity).

Sometimes we have to step back from the daily gerbil wheel and reflect on where we are going. David Allen (“Getting Things Done”) suggests weekly and monthly reviews along with an annual review. These are appointments for meetings with yourself to review where you are going in short, medium and long time horizons. They work.

Sometimes we see that we are trying to sell the same old product in the same old way hoping for lightning to strike that will suddenly make us millionaires.

Maybe we make a commitment to practice a couple of Spiritual disciplines–maybe read the Bible daily. We put it on the To-Do list. We get up, read for a few minutes, then close the book and get on with the day.

Then we step away from the busyness and take time to think. We see that we either need to change the product or the target market. We see that just quickly reading so that we can check the item off the list isn’t getting us anywhere without building in time for reflection on what we read. And then we add prayer/meditation. And then that leads to service.

I’ve gotten so busy over the past year, that I’ve looked at things to change. I’m the sort of person who will do the work. I’m learning to let some things go. I simply can’t do it all. Where can I find others to take up some of the load. I’m also learning to teach others the same thing.

Two things I’ve learned: never stop growing in Spiritual maturity; never stop learning.

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Are You Emotional or Rational or Both

May 6, 2014

Just watching people in a group setting recently, I noticed a large emotional response to a situation about which no one has facts. That started me thinking about three kinds of people–or rather three types of ways of relating to the world and to others.

As humans develop and grow, they begin as emotional beings. Responses to situations are driven by emotions. When our growth and development proceeds normally, we gradually develop the ability to reflect, think and apply reason.

Have you noticed that some people even as adults react with emotional responses untempered by using the thinking part of themselves? Many times these people quickly regret their response (eventually some sort of thinking/reflection sets in) and then they must apologize.

I’ve noticed that these people quite often exhibit a sort of narcissism–in their hearts, it’s all about them.

I work with engineers–a lot. Engineers are trained thinkers. Got me thinking of the opposite trait in people. They develop the thinking part while burying the emotional part (Jung, among others, had much to say about the effects of this). These people can be maddening to the emotional type of people. They can appear cold and aloof. They can also exhibit a sort of narcissism–it’s all about me and my thoughts.

What we really need to do to develop fully as humans is to recognize the emotional part of us, apply some controls over those to keep us stable through our thinking capability, and then seek to be filled by the Holy Spirit which will move us beyond both and let us experience others.

It’s important that we not just get carried away with a solely emotional response. That leads to instability, conflict, alienation from others. We need to be united with God and with others in order for us to be healthy and for our local organizations and societies to be healthy.

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How Did You Get Where You Are

March 31, 2014

Are you doing now what you thought you’d be when you started out?

I loved science as a kid. Electronics, especially, fascinated me. I learned about circuits. I learned math that was way beyond what they were teaching in school. Enough so, that I always tested well in standardized tests on math. I learned a lot of science that is still with me.

This was all outside of school. I think I learned some things in school, but to this day most of my education is outside the walls of Academe. (Note to educators 😉

Writing always had an attraction to me. So, after working in engineering-related jobs for many years, I started writing (which requires thinking, by the way).

Jesus, John, Peter and the rest of the original group must have been somewhat similar. They were very smart, and they knew a lot. But several times in the Gospel accounts they are referred to as “uneducated.” I think that is because they were educated outside of the “Ivy League” of the day. They weren’t part of the establishment.

As an aside, I looked into studying in a seminary a long time ago. It wasn’t attractive. The course of study was weird to me. And, I viewed it as just an apprenticeship toward getting into the “club” so to speak–being an official pastor. Not an attractive option to me then–or now.

Take a look at John, whose Gospel I’m studying right now. He wrote in Greek. His logic is somewhat complex. I think the same person wrote the Gospel, the three letters and the Revelation because the logic is the same and the vision is consistent–although you can see growth.

John probably came from a wealthy family. Learned the family trade of fishing. Became an intimate disciple of Jesus. Became a leader of the early movement. Probably Peter being the organizer and John being the intellectual visionary. Then he moved to Ephesus and taught a community. Was exiled to an island. And became a writer.

I think what John did was a mixture of intentionally learning and following the proddings of God. I think that’s how I’ve wound up where I am.

So, how did you get where you are? There is, of course, still time to follow the little whispers of God suggesting things you should be learning and doing.

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Willpower Is Key To Success

March 26, 2014

There was a child, a marshmallow, a closed room, and a promise.

This was an experiment a couple of decades ago where a researcher curious about willpower brought a child into a room. A marshmallow was placed on a table. The researcher stated he would have to leave the room, but he would return in 15 minutes. The child could eat the marshmallow, but if the child did not eat the marshmallow, then he/she would get two marshmallows upon the return of the researcher.

Some ate the marshmallow. Some didn’t.

A follow up on as many of the children as they could find after some 20+ years revealed that the children with the willpower to delay gratification were generally more successful in life than those lacking that one strength.

Daniel Goleman writes about this research in one chapter of his latest book, Focus. It turns out that willpower is more effective a predictor of a young child’s (ages 4-6) success in life than is social class or IQ.

How did the children who succeeded in resisting the temptation do it? They diverted their minds. Those whose thoughts dwelled on the marshmallow, ate it. Those who started singing a song to themselves, or talking to themselves, or played make-believe–in other words, those who diverted their thoughts from the marshmallow–were able to resist it.

Two takeaways.

If you are a parent or grandparent or otherwise can influence a child. Teach them to divert their thoughts to something else instead of continuing to focus on the errant behavior.

Or, for you…when your thoughts start to focus on something you’d rather not think about–be it that donut that is now staring at me as I write this or some worry or anxiety–start to think about something else. The willpower lies in intentionally (yesterday’s topic) choosing to think about something different from the negative thought. I first noticed that I did this myself over 40 years ago. I testify that it works.

Help a kid. Help yourself. Learn how to develop some willpower.

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Posted in Attention, Learning, Thinking | Leave a Comment »

Controlling Urges

February 14, 2014

Urges. That sometimes overwhelming feeling to do something. The moment before the brain kicks in and says, “Wait a minute. That’s a stupid idea.”

Ever been there? Oh, come on, remember being a kid? An adolescent? I do all too well. I never would want to go back there.

Paul talked about “when I was a child, I acted like a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Last week I had meetings at my Chicago office and we stayed at our son’s house. Our 6-yr-old grandson would sit there occasionally and do things to his 4-yr-old sister. Just little things. Reach out and touch annoyingly. Hit her toy. Whatever.

We can yell at him for tormenting her (remembering that the reverse happens, too. But what are we trying to teach him? It is that a mature person controls those urges.

As we reach adolescence, the urges that bubble up within us multiply. And they can cause much more serious problems both for us and for others than simple annoyance.

When I look at society over the past 25 years or so, I see so many people who grow up physically, but who still act like a child (or adolescent). Some will blame media or parents. And they exacerbate the problem at times. Certainly role models of maturity are often scorned or ignored. They get into the way of “fun.”

We have 4,000 years of wisdom that teaches about how to live a mature life. Yet, we have to teach and remember it every day. Part is to just remind the little ones as they grow to recognize and control their urges.

We must also, as we grow, learn to recognize and control our urges.

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Set Your Path For the New Year

January 2, 2014

New Year’s Day coming on Wednesday really screws up a week. Normally there are several days strung together where I do year-end analysis (of myself and my businesses), prepare for tax season, and think about my direction for the new year.

This year, I worked on Monday and most of Tuesday. Here it is Thursday morning, and I’m going to spend most of the day on normal work.

I just read Andy Stanley’s book, “The Principle of the Path,” and my small group is studying the letter of James. As I contemplated these this morning, I found some parallels as I often do.

The principle of the path, to unjustly summarize, basically builds from the idea that you do something (consciously or re-actively chosen) and that starts you down a path of life. It may guide future decisions.

James follows a lineage of thought that is sort of, “to be is to do.” That is, the word “faith” does not mean a principle to which I agree with in my head (logically) or feel is write in my heart (emotionally). Faith is more of an action verb than it is a noun.

Back in my days of singing folk songs and campfire songs with my beat-up classical guitar, there was a song we sang called “Love is Something You Do.” Same idea.

Jon Swanson asked his readers for goals or words for the year. I don’t really choose goals in the usual sense or have a theme word for the year. But thinking about his question, I decided this year should be one of focus and energy. I got too diverted into too many things in 2013 and my energy sapped at times.

But as a disciple of Jesus, I feel more like it’s a “put one foot in front of the other” sort of thing. Where faith is choosing the path and assuring that each decision and action continue me on the path this year. Living consciously and intentionally.

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Posted in Attitude, Disciplines | 1 Comment »

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