Recognizing The Emotions In Others

August 8, 2013

Have you ever thought about buying a car? You drove to a dealership of a brand you think you might like. You walk over to the line of cars and start looking around.

Then–a salesperson approaches. Big smile. Looking for a car? He breaks the ice. Then he proceeds to tell you all the features of the car and the price, which is only $X.

How do you feel?

A few times in my business career I have been in sales. For the past 15 years or so, I go along on sales calls to provide technical support or perhaps be that person who describes all the features. In fact, only recently I was on another sales call. Many times I have been shocked to watch the interaction and see that the salesperson has never taken the time to know the person we are meeting with and what her needs are.

Or sometimes even watch the prospect. I left a sales meeting one time with a top sales person and told him, “He’s ready to buy.” My friend was shocked. “What?” I said, “Didn’t you watch him while you were talking? He stopped being preoccupied. He asked questions assuming he was already installing the product on his machine. And many other buying signals.”

Observe the other person

These sales people are not unlike us. We are more interested in what we are saying than we are in the other person. But the fourth step of gaining emotional intelligence is recognizing the emotions in others.

One must be very careful here. It is far too easy to miss an emotion. Maybe the anger masks insecurity. And maybe we try to psychoanalyze. We must be observant. Turn the focus on the other person (not on us). Ask, “What’s up?” Then, listen.

  • Watch (observe) the other person
  • Ask questions in a friendly manner (not like a lawyer cross-examining)
  • Listen (really listen) to what they say verbally and physically
  • Paraphrase back to show you were listening and to validate their worth

I am still amazed at how many people are mostly focused upon themselves. Most are good people. They don’t realize it. They may even think that they are focused on the other. But they’re not.

Try it. You’ll learn a lot. And maybe make some new friends.

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Motivating Yourself Toward Emotional Intelligence

August 7, 2013

I thought I’d just continue down the Emotional Intelligence path for a couple of days. This was triggered by the airport incident I talked about yesterday where a little emotional intelligence would have been a great thing.

In their book, Lennick & Kiel discussed five areas under emotional intelligence and then four under moral intelligence. We talked a little about knowing your own emotions and then managing your emotions. We’ll add to that today with some thoughts on motivating yourself.

Seems to fit that I’m in Austin, Texas for a conference put on by a company called National Instruments. This is a pretty high technology conference. But everything they do pretty much boils down to measuring things, analyzing things and then doing something with that knowledge gained. There are almost 4,000 people here who were motivated to pay the conference fee, pay for travel and a hotel, and take a week away from family and work to learn how to do this better.

The first step toward emotional intelligence is to know your emotional state. That’s the measure stage of using this technology. We may not have a measurement grade, but we can relate  emotional state to temperature. There’s normal. Then there’s too cool–as in depression. Then there’s too hot–as in anger. You can calculate the many different emotions similarly.

When we know what the state is, if it is out of balance, we can work to restore balance. We need that motivation to study what is going on and maybe how other people have managed emotions in order to grow.

I have found that certain spiritual practices are of great help in this process. Especially meditation and prayer. These practices slow you down. They help put a gap between emotion and response. I wish I could say they work perfectly. But even so, given time you will notice a change.

The motivation comes from many sources. But mostly it comes from a recognition that “I am this sort of person” but “I’d like to be that sort of person.” I want to change who I am. I see myself as calm and calming.

Interestingly, toward the end of my soccer referee instructor training last weekend, we were just chatting and I related something to teaching Yoga. One of the guys said, “I can totally see you teaching Yoga.” That is another calming practice. I had no idea I came across that way, but obviously I’ve started becoming the person I set out to be.

But the journey is far from over.

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Emotional Intelligence

August 6, 2013

I was just pacing off some energy before the next four-hour plane ride in the area in front of Gate A24 in Newark. Then I noticed loud voices very close to me. They were not saying kind things.

A belligerent middle-aged guy wearing a cowboy hat had accosted a younger guy. Seems that the older guy was just wandering, weaving as he walked and the younger guy was rushing to what he thought would be a close call to make his flight. I take it he said something about getting out of my way. (But, it’s Newark, flight was delayed 35 minutes.)

As it happened, I was directly behind the cowboy. I am not trained or knowledgeable about martial arts. I had these thoughts about how I could grab his arm if he decided to swing. The younger guy just kept saying, I was just trying to get past you, why don’t you just go get on your plane.

Emotional Intelligence

I had just been looking over some old notes and saw my notes from the book “Emotional Intelligence,” by Lennick & Kiel. The first two steps toward gaining emotional intelligence are:

  • Knowing one’s emotions
  • Managing emotions

These are much harder to do than to read–and even to understand. Can you feel it when your temperature starts to rise? Do you know your various emotions and how they affect you? Sometimes make you angry. Sometimes depressed.

The second step goes beyond recognizing. It’s acting. I can still remember, to my great embarrassment, the last time I exploded. Almost 10 years ago. But I knew how I react when I’m threatened. Especially by super aggressive people. I knew the emotion. I was unable to manage the emotion.

I’m glad the cowboy picked up his things and wandered away. The other guy and his friend were like “what the heck just happened?” I was relieved that there was no physical altercation.

But I thought, airports can be a stressful environment. When you bring baggage of not the “roll-aboard” kind, you can spread unpleasantness.

Or, you could smile.

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Forming Community

August 5, 2013

We were at a hotel in suburban Chicago. 17 students, 5 instructors/observers/evaluators, a few other observers. I devoted last weekend to improving my skills as a soccer referee instructor. It was intense. We gave three presentations before a small group. At each presentation were one or two top instructors who gave us advice but were also grading us. Our peers gave us feedback on our presentations. We tried to apply new techniques immediately.

There were three small groups. Friday night was learning. Up early Saturday, we started the round of presentations at 8. Had lunch time (maybe 2.5 hours) to prepare second presentation. Back at 2 pm for the second presentation cycle. Third presentation was Sunday morning. Really intense.

An interesting thing happens in that environment. Our small group of 6 almost immediately formed a little community. We were rooting for each other. Helping each other.

Reflecting on the experience this morning during my quiet meditation time, I wondered if the early Christian communities were something like this–although not passionate about a sport, they were passionate about a new way of life. They met in small groups. They taught each other. They “rooted” for each other. They helped each other–even financially for those who lost everything to follow this new Master called Jesus.

Then I started to think about the churches we attend today. How much is only attendance? How much is like a group where we all help each other out? Where, instead of gossiping about who’s doing what to whom, we reach out to each other?

I recently heard someone tell a personal story of struggle. Someone from the congregation approached and said, “You know, you can’t really participate anymore in this church because you are struggling.” What a terrible, heartless thing to say. Better would be, “I hear that you are hurting. What can I do to help you? And, by the way, you are always welcome here in our small group as we all struggle to live the way Jesus taught.”

What are you doing to promote community?

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Radical Listening

August 2, 2013

Earlier this week, I shared this quote at the end of my Yoga class from Ernest Hemingway, “When people talk, listen completely. Most people don’t listen.”

I’ve written before about listening. I think it’s overlooked as a spiritual discipline. It’s definitely overlooked as a relationship builder and as a learning tool.

So, I look for ideas about listening wherever I can find them. Here, Taylor Jacobson, a career coach, wrote on the Website Goodlife Zen (go figure for the title) about Radical Listening.

Here are his seven techniques. These are not new to me, but it’s always good to see things in a new way, or on a new list. I have used all of these, and they work. Try some out today and visit the Website for his complete descriptions.

1. Take notes.

Active listening techniques like nodding, eye contact and affirming sounds are great, but we’re good at faking these. Taking notes is harder because it requires us to synthesize. This process gets us present and aids the learning process, even if we never look at our notes.

2. Paraphrase.

Attention inevitably slips. A great technique to combat a lapse is to paraphrase. “I’m not sure I got that exactly. Did you mean … ?” When you’re committed to listening, try to resist the temptation to contribute your own thoughts, and paraphrase instead. You’ll find yourself listening more closely, if only to avoid looking foolish.

3. Ask for repetition.

If you’re feeling extra courageous, an act of great respect and mindfulness is to simply acknowledge when an attention lapse happens. Asking for repetition can act as a bridge to greater attention, since noticing that your attention has lapsed is an act of presence in itself.

4. Ask probing questions.

One of the oldest tricks in the book, and still one of the best. You can trick yourself into listening more closely by watching for opportunities to probe. Just remember, don’t fake it – the best questions are genuine ones.

5. Validate.

Phrases like “thank you for saying that …”, “I like what you said about ….” and “That makes sense because …” force you to pay attention and also demonstrate a high level of engagement.

6. Provide buffer time.

Your ability to listen depends to some extent on your environment. One of the simplest ways you can promote a positive listening environment is to allow plenty of buffer time. This allows you to put your phone away and direct all of your attention to the person and matters at hand.

7. Go slow, pause and breathe.

Remember that for every word you choose not to speak, you create another opportunity to listen. Pick your spots to speak more carefully and learn to say less by going slowly, pausing and breathing.

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You Get What You Create or What You Allow

August 1, 2013

I’ve been contemplating on Henry Cloud’s latest book, Boundaries for Leaders. There is a lot of research in that book. And a lot of wisdom.

At one point, he says, “Leaders will get a combination of what they create and what they allow.”

I thought, wow, this applies in so many areas.

Take raising children. Do we create an environment and expectations for them to grow and succeed? Or, do we allow them to do whatever whim comes along? Or, a combination–we create certain structures and allow other things?

Leaders in organizations do this. Same types of questions. Do we create an environment, expectations and structures for people (and the organization) to grow and succeed? Or, do we permit too much such that vision is lost, ethics are cast aside, and the whole organization crashes?

What about our personal life? We lead in that, too–I hope. Do we create structures and expectations in our own lives such that we grow and succeed? We have access to writings on the Spiritual Disciplines. These have been thought out and written so that we have a guide toward establishing the proper Spiritual structure in our daily lives so that we continue to grow in Spiritual maturity.

Attention is key

Then Cloud hits on one of my pet ideas–attention. “Brain researchers say that ‘attention’ is like a magic key that unlocks higher-order brain circuitry. ”

We must place our attention on the things we wish to create in our leadership and our lives. Then we do things with intention, that is, on purpose. Consciously. Things don’t “just happen.” We cause things to happen and construct structures to create opportunities to succeed.

By the way, the link to Amazon is not an affiliate link. I recommend so many books, I probably should sign up for affiliate status. I bet I could add $10 or so to my income 😉 And I certainly recommend this book. And if you’ve never read Cloud, try his other books. They are all excellent.

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Sometimes We Try Too Hard

July 31, 2013

Part of my daily routine is a morning workout. Most of the time, that includes a run in the park. Now, I’m not a distance runner. Never have been. I run daily to maintain a level of fitness. I prefer running while refereeing soccer.

When I referee, I don’t notice the running. My mind is on the match. I’m running to get into position for the next action. Or maybe to calm down some injured egos. When I run my usual 5K plus route, I only have my podcast and the end in mind.

So, I think about making it back to the car. And instead of just running at a smooth, relaxed pace, I find myself tensed up trying to make it to the finish. Some days, I find it quite difficult to concentrate on slowing my mind and just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes the spiritual life can be the same. We’re trying too hard to be the final product of spiritual development–fully mature in the spirit. But life isn’t like that. It’s a long journey where we just put one foot in front of the other–all day, every day.

Then we look back occasionally and think, “Wow, I’ve really changed.”

This becomes practical in another sense. Maybe it’s your leadership–in church, your organization, your family. You try too hard to be the finished product. You get frustrated because things are not going as well as you picture it in your mind. You’re frustrated when the goal looks so far away.

I have this when I’m working on a number of projects and the load looks overwhelming. Then I just step back, take a deep breath, and then begin tackling things one task at a time. And soon, I’m done–and feeling much better.

The first motivational speaker I ever heard at a management conference professed the mantra, “Try easy.” That phrase has stuck with me for 35 years. It’s still relevant. Let’s not get ourselves all worked up over some day in the future. Let’s just take one step at a time toward our goal.

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Peace and Strength

July 29, 2013

Peace

Our six-year-old grandson is visiting–his first time alone with us. Somehow he and his grandma got into a conversation of peace. “What’s peace?” he asked. “The absence of conflict–when there is no war,” she replied.

That is certainly one definition of peace. But contrast to another conversation during a small study group of adult men. We are studying a book, “Not a Fan: Becoming a completely committed follower of Jesus” by Kyle Idleman. The subject of inner peace came up. Someone said, “Inner peace will see you through the bad times.

Peace can actually be sort of like an action verb. Not something defined by what is missing (absence of conflict). It is actually something that can be practiced. It is part of living with God (or Jesus, or the Spirit–as far as I’m concerned it’s all the same thing). It’s something that comes along for the ride when you practice the Spiritual Disciplines of study, meditation, prayer, worship, celebration and so forth.<br>

But when someone mentioned that it is a force that will see you through tough times, I immediately thought about strength. There must be a relationship between the two.

Strength

We think of personal strength as muscle force–or in my case lack of. But another way of looking at strength is that resolve that keeps you going through adversity.

Someone who battles cancer and emerges a victor we call strong. Someone who can hold onto their moral values in the face of a group that wants to do something against those values we call strong. Someone who can face any enemy–illness, opponent in conflict, a bully, a nasty boss, whatever–with calm and resolve, we call strong.

Work together

I believe that Eastern martial arts teach that you need that inner peace and calmness to fight well. Your mind must be calm. You have practiced sufficiently that you are confident in your muscle responses. You have absolute focus in the moment and on your opponent.

Paul often used sports analogies. I think he would have thought the same thing when he described the inner peace that comes from being at one with God (or God living in you). God works with your strengths that you might even not realize you have.

I think there is a Bill Gaither song that goes, “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.” Paul would have like that. That’s what he did. And that’s what he intended for us to do.

 

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Carrying Preconceived Ideas Into Analysis

July 26, 2013

I’ve become a fan of the new Sherlock Holmes movies and TV series that have appeared over the past few years.

Holmes gathered facts and used deductive reasoning to come to brilliant conclusions.

It doesn’t matter if I’m studying Scripture or anything else, or if I’m studying my body’s response to stimuli. I like facts. Google’s founders are driven to manage through data, not guesswork.

I’m recently into a discussion with a doctor as to whether a situation is environmental/behavioral or structural. He prefers the latter and thoroughly discounts the former. But he can treat the latter. You know, like the old proverb if the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems look like nails.

I, on the other hand, being closer to the situation, tend to look at all the food I eat and other behavioral or environmental stresses or inputs and then evaluate their effect on the body.

To get practical for a minute–watch what you eat. There is a play on words in German (playing on “ist” for “is” and “isst” for “eats”) that translated into English goes, “Man is what he eats.”

If you want to be alert and ready to think during your study, prayer, meditation or celebration, watch eating/drinking sugar and caffeine, for example. Some foods just seem to weigh you down. Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables are good.

I also have found through observation and deduction which foods affect me in which different ways. It may be a little different for you. But what annoys me is when I make poor choices. I know better than reach for the Pepsi, but I do anyway.

And that all goes directly toward one of the core themes I think about. Patterns of choices. And how we make bad ones even knowing the good ones.

 

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Are Perfectionists Always Right

July 25, 2013

Some people seem to exist only in order to point out what is wrong about what everyone else does. You know these people. I hope one of them isn’t you! These are people whom you avoid at receptions. You hate to get stuck in the same room alone with them.

I was around one of those critical people the other day, and I started to think. (That’s one of my vices; I’m always thinking.) What is it that makes these people think that they are always right? Or, even, are they always right?

Even worse–am I one of those people sometimes?

I’ve listened to many during my long life. Seems to me most, if not all, fit into the category Jesus described when he said that you’re more worried about the speck of dust in your neighbor’s eye than in the plank in your own eye.

Jesus challenged people. He could see through people into what their real motivations were. He’d say things like, “Sell all your possessions and follow me.” He could see what was holding that person back from truly following him.

Where Jesus did  get critical was toward his archenemies–the Pharisees. These guys lived that life of pointing out what was wrong about everyone else. But they really tried to be perfect in their lives just as they were telling other people to be perfect.

Except–

You can’t live a perfect life. And to tell others to do that is to pile up burdens on them. And that is not the way to salvation.

Jesus was critical towards the Pharisees. He’d point out all their inconsistencies. How they were more worried about the outside of the cup than the inside. Symbolic of how they were more concerned with their outward appearance than with inner holiness.

My guess is that those critical people could use a dose of love. Leading to understanding and empathy. And worry about their own inner life. Not so much worrying about other people.

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