Archive for the ‘Attitude’ Category

Taking Criticism

June 21, 2023

OK, I’ll admit it. I don’t take criticism well. It’s from a deep sense that I’ll never be good enough. (Thanks, Dad.) 

Something you should know about delivering criticism. If you begin with something positive or almost positive and then say, “but”, everything ahead of “but” is forgotten. 

I found this piece of advice from the Stoic Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius (from The Daily Stoic newsletter).

If that criticism is correct and we are in error then the person criticizing us has done us a favor by correcting it. If they are wrong, what do we care? More likely, if we are doing our job right, we should already be well aware of the issue that people are raising and already be fixing it. We should have no sense of ourselves as perfect or above critique. Nor should we be so fragile and vulnerable as to not be able to bear being disliked or disagreed with.

What a mature approach. Something to learn from and practice. We can, if we but open our minds, learn from those who differ from us and those who offer criticism—even the unkind ones.

Traveling

June 16, 2023

Traveling.

Yesterday was another travel day. Two-and-a-half days of software conferences. A delicious anniversary dinner Monday. More good food during the week. Four-hour flight Las Vegas to Chicago. But that means about seven hours of total travel and wait time hotel to home.

Both flights to and from were packed. People queued up orderly. Boarded. Got settled. I never heard a discourteous word. People helped anyone struggling to stow baggage. Perhaps we’ve recovered as a society from the unsettled nerves and frustrations of the Covid pandemic. Maybe that will rub off into other areas.

How good it is to travel and be emotionally drained by witnessing belligerent and obnoxious incidents.

Maybe it’s a discipline. Maybe it’s a lifestyle. Maybe it should just be who we are. Courteous, agreeable, helpful.

Another Perspective on Perspective

June 9, 2023

Some people have a theory in their heads about the way life is supposed to be. Or the way society is supposed to be. Or an organization.

Theories lead to rules to enforce those theories. Rules lead to those who achieve power to force other people to live according to their theory.

There is a scene at the end of the movie National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation where the CEO comes to realization of the effects of his theory on people, “Some things look good on paper until you realize the effects on people. I now realize it’s the little people, like you, Clark, who really matter.” 

The world over has political and religious leaders who have a theory of how things should be and are trying to force people into the mold. I guess that’s a human thing.

It’s when we change perspective and realize the effects upon individual people that we come closer to the Spirit of God. The mission Jesus proclaimed from the very beginning was to bring people into the Kingdom of Heaven. Not by force—that was the Roman way. But by love—that was Jesus way.

Using Perspective

June 8, 2023

Too often we slip into the feeling that “It’s all about me.” 

Roadworkers arrive and begin setting up equipment in the neighborhood. They are doing it specifically to annoy me.

Someone fails to show for a lunch appointment. They did it just to spite me.

Maybe the situation has nothing to do with us. Maybe when viewed from the perspective of the other person—they are merely showing up to do the repair work required; they had a crisis large or small with work or family and couldn’t make lunch.

As a wise person said, “Don’t worry about what people are thinking about you, because they are not thinking about you.”

Often when Jesus was asked about something, he tried to get the person to divert focus from within themselves and their prejudices and their rules in order to gain the bigger perspective of seeing life from other’s points-of-view.

Perhaps that is a good discipline to cultivate.

We Are Not Perfect

June 6, 2023

You are not perfect!

I am not perfect!

We are not perfect.

Sorry to inform you. 

Maybe you thought you were the exception that proves the rule.

Maybe you think that everyone else should be perfect—just as you tell them (order them) to be. Hint: see rules above.

I have experienced Christians who thought they were made perfect once they were “saved.” One group I knew held prayer meetings during our break times in the factory. To my eyes, they cheated the company out of 40 minutes of productive labor for which they were paid. Even if they were praying. That is not perfect. Even in a monastery where people live lives devoted to God, there is prayer time and there is work time.

We seem to have a brand of Christians all over the globe who seem to think that they are perfect and that they can force everyone else to be perfect. Guess what? It has been proven that that won’t work. But certain men keep trying.

We also punish ourselves. We want a perfect family. A perfect diet. Perfect exercise.

Those will not happen.

Everyone just needs to relax. Breathe deeply. Hold. Release slowly.

Now, just build healthy lifestyles and routines. Forget perfect. Live in the spirit. Try on some attitudes such as humility and forgiveness and joy.

Forgive Anyone Who Offends Us

May 26, 2023

On Wednesday I considered how the word forgiveness stood out when I glanced at the transcribed copy of Dallas Willard’s paraphrase of the Lord’s Prayer.

This morning I looked more deeply at Willard’s paraphrase, “as we are forgiving all who in any way offend us.” This phrase hits me harder than “those who trespass against us.” This is more personal.

Pondering those things that others do that annoy, indeed offend, us reveals much about ourselves.

For example,  I do not follow rules religiously. You could say (and some in the family do say) that I am not a rule follower. However, our Homeowners Association (HOA) told us that the driveways in our neighborhood will be seal coated. The driveways will not be useable for 24-48 hours afterward to allow the seal coat to dry and harden. We had to move our vehicles from the garage and were granted temporary leave to park on the street.

One of our neighbors parked his car on the street in front of the mailboxes. The “rule” expressly said to not block the mailboxes. I walked home from the fitness center and saw the car, I was annoyed. Later, I closed my eyes to meditate before beginning the day’s work and it came to me to relax. Not to worry. The mail delivery person here will get out of his vehicle and deliver to those four boxes. 

Why was I annoyed? Offended? That’s crazy.

I can forgive the neighbor, the annoyance that really wasn’t mine (not my mailbox) and in so doing find a kind of forgiveness for me. I can relax and move on.

That is one of the many benefits of forgiveness.

To Whom Are You a Slave?

May 23, 2023

Anyone capable of angering you becomes your master.

Epictetus

You open Facebook (or Twitter or email or whatever). You see a post from someone you know. The facts are completely wrong. The words are skewed to achieve maximum emotional impact. Your emotions are triggered. You immediately reach for the keyboard to respond.

You are a slave to that person.

You are in a conversation. The other person says things that seem like a personal attack. You respond personally. You attack. Your personality buckles into angry responding. 

You are a slave to a new master.

I have learned the pause—that moment before my fingers reach for the keyboard. That pause that lets me scroll past the nonsense.

I’ve talked of the pause before. It is one of the hardest things I’ve learned to do. Of course, the best way is to avoid needing the pause at all by simply realizing that I can control most of what I see. I can refuse to spend time in Facebook and Twitter. I can choose those people with whom to meet.

There are things in life that I cannot control But those I can control, those I had better exert effort to control.

Planting Our Beauty

May 19, 2023

Spring has arrived in northern Illinois. The rains of April have produced the fulness of green in the lush grass and in the leaves of the trees and bushes. The flowering trees showed off their colors.

The women of my neighborhood are digging and buying plants (flowers and herbs) and planting. In those homes where there are men able to get out we see men toting bags of dirt and peat and mulch.

We have almost rapidly experienced Advent, Christmas, Lent, Easter, and now comes the time to live out those experiences. Have we checked our own beauty? Not Hollywood beauty. But that beauty of attitude that begins inside and radiates outward.

Perhaps you can think of someone who may not meet television standards of physical beauty but from whom you part after meeting and you think, “I like that person!” The joy, the empathy, the intelligence, the peace—whatever the quality—that just reaches and changes you.

The time has come to plant that beauty within ourselves.

Epidemic of Anxiety

May 16, 2023

Everywhere we look we are told there is an epidemic of anxiety. It makes people anxious reading about anxiety. Youth are seeing therapists because of anxieties induced from either expectations from parents for success or from hearing parents arguing usually from stressing over money issues.

Religious people do not help when they today, like the Pharisees of 2,000 years ago, tell us how to live in every detail of our lives. One almost thinks it is a sin to breathe, since seemingly everything we do and think is a sin.

Jesus often reprimanded those Pharisees for piling burdens on people. I have to believe that even the Pharisees were anxious underneath their veneer of superiority lest they be discovered in a sin.

Here is one thing Jesus taught as reported by Matthew in the “Sermon on the Mount”:

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6

Step back from your cycle of thoughts (I’d suggest daily) and seek the greater perspective. Look first at the big picture of God’s kingdom and what he does for you. You can with this perspective tackle the things you can control and live with those you cannot. Not that this is easy. The suggestion is easy, the practice is hard. And if you need a therapist, by all means seek out one.

Too Long, Didn’t Read

May 15, 2023

TLDR.

Web speak for an article—Too Long; Didn’t Read.

Several years ago an acquaintance who read this blog said, “You’re a pretty good writer. You should send posts to (a certain Christian website).”

I contacted them. They said, “You’re a pretty good writer. For us, just write a headline for search engine optimization. Then write in bullet points. Make it 7 steps to, or 5 things that, and the like.”

I don’t do that.  I also try to avoid negativity (not always successfully…). That sells, too. So this blog never hit the big numbers.

The thing is—spiritual formation is both easy and hard.

The easy part is that there are only a few things you need to do.

The hard part is maintaining a right attitude and doing the few things every day. 

And, if your attitude that morning sucks, well, do the few things anyway. The doing reminds you that you are the type of person who is growing toward spiritual maturity. And that adjusts your attitude.

It’s like a virtuous cycle.