Author Archive

Excessively Gentle With Ourselves

October 25, 2023

Do you talk to yourself? What do you say? I will walk to a place and back and forget to pick up what I was looking for. I’ll say, “You dummy!”  That seems to be my favorite phrase.

Is yours worse than that? Do you say it too often?

The Irish poet John O’Donohue wrote a line found in his book, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings,

Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Treating ourselves gently helps us develop the habit of gentleness. We can expand that to the way we approach others. Gently.

I Am So, So, Sorry

October 24, 2023

My wife and I just finished a six-episode English crime drama. The story can be told in summary like this:

  • People (many) take unwise actions
  • Everyone had guilt
  • Many were so, so sorry
  • Except maybe not everyone was really that sorry
  • Many were liars
  • At the end the star witness said he had lied, except he always lied throughout the show, was he lying when he said he lied?
  • Action, guilt, sorry, rinse and repeat

Life confronts us like this. 

Either we do something foolish or even criminal. We are hit by guilt. We think we can remedy the situation by expressing how we are so, so, sorry.

Except that words often seem short of sincerity. As if they are patching over the flaws. (Sine Cera—Latin, without wax, eg statue without wax covering over flaws in workmanship.)

Someone lies to us. Now, the conundrum. Do we ever trust that that person is not lying when they say something? Maybe. Maybe, not.

Saying I’m so, so, sorry really just begins the journey. It now takes time and actions to establish trust in the truth of those words.

Why Hate?

October 23, 2023

I read the blog of a technology innovator. He is Jewish, but non-religious, from New York City.

That always reminds me of a sales rep I had in NYC in the 1980s. When I met her, she said hi, I’m a typical New York Jew. I said, great, I have no idea what that means. She also thought that since I was from Ohio that I was a hayseed farmer. After we went to work making sales calls, we just became the marketer and salesperson trying to make a living.

Back to the tech blogger. He recently asked on his blog, “Why do people hate Jews?”

I have thought about that often during the past week since he posted it in light of the fighting going on right now.

I have no answers from psychology or analysis.

I have no answers to other questions of why one group chooses to hate another. It’s happening all around the world. It’s happening in your neighborhood.

An answer easy to say and evidently impossible to live comes from a teaching by Jesus—Love your enemies.

Maybe, just maybe, we could go out today and show kindness, kindness from the heart, to a person of a different tribe or ethnic identity or sexual identity? Do it twice and it may become a practice—a true spiritual practice.

Be Just a Little Kinder Than Necessary

October 23, 2023

Among my favorite podcasts is Huberman Lab from Professor Andrew Huberman, PhD, professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine. Despite this impressive resume, he takes deep dives into topics and conducts interviews in a manner approachable to all of us.

The last episode featured Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett discussing “How to Understand Emotions.” She discusses her research over her career explaining what emotions are and how the brain represents and integrates signals from our body and the environment around us to create our unique emotional states. 

From the show notes, “We also discuss actionable tools for how to regulate feelings of uncertainty and tools to better understand the emotional states of others.”

They come together on some practical disciplines that I teach wherever I can:

  • Eat Real food
  • Get Good Sleep
  • Exercise

They conclude with two more essential ingredients for a good life that seem to be in short supply these days. Perhaps we can work these into our daily life practices.

  • Trust
  • Kindness

Another excellent podcaster, Tim Ferriss,, has begun concluding his podcast interviews with this phrase:

Be just a little kinder than necessary today.

Excellent advice for life.

The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut

October 19, 2023

Dan Lyons, technology reporter, came to awareness of a glaring fault while sitting alone in an apartment while his wife and children were still living at home.

His problem—he talked too much. When he got started, his kids would talk about “Danalogues.” The problem is so prevalent in our society that it has a name—“overtalking.”

Some people never stop. My mother-in-law was a sweet lady, but she never met a silence that shouldn’t be filled. Maybe you know people like that. Even worse are those in such a rush to talk that they constantly interrupt and talk over others. Now we’ve gone from gently amusing to greatly annoying. If any of this resembles you, you may be a “talkaholic.” In that case, this book is for you.

His book is Stfu: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut in an Endlessly Noisy World. There is a little analysis tool in the beginning that will help you discern your talkativeness.

“Speaking with intention,” he says in the introduction, “that is, not just blurting things out, improves our relationships, makes us better parents, and can boost our psychological and even physical well-being.”

Lyons not only describes the malady in graphic detail, he also offers five tips to STFU

  1. When possible, say nothing.
  2. Master the power of the pause.
  3. Quit social media.
  4. Seek out silence.
  5. Learn how to listen.

If you read nothing else in the book, do the first chapter on the problem and the last chapter on listening. Most people hear noise, but most people don’t really listen.

I can enter a room and quietly listen and observe and be happy. But if someone asks me a question, I’m capable of a half-hour exposition on the topic. I needed the book! I once taped a small note to the top of my notebook that said only STFU. (That means shut up, if you don’t get the initialism.)

Try it. You’ll like it.

Philosophy versus Theology

October 18, 2023

There was a time where I studied theology. Not at university. But I read. I subscribed to an academic journal. I thought.

But it was all dead. Just arguments over various ideas. (Maybe I’m mad that Theology Today didn’t publish one of my poems, but I doubt that. I seldom get mad.) I would get a feel for where the academic thinking was and then drop it for a while. A curiosity thing.

Philosophy, on the other had, was more life giving. Not the academic philosophy from the university. But glancing on my bookshelf and seeing Plato, Aristotle, Plotinus, Augustine, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Bacon, Pascal, Montaigne. They explored ideas, but they also explored how to live a fulfilled life. 

We can read the Jewish and Christian scriptures that way, too. Oh, we can read these to find a list of rules that separate us from the heathen. Or, we can read what Jesus said and did and learn about living. We can read where James warns us about how our tongue can get us into trouble. How Paul describes reciprocal relationships and how living in the Spirit gives us freedom.

Three times I read references to Thomas Aquinas. St. Thomas if you’re Catholic. Taking a hint, I pulled Summa Theologica from my shelves and began to read. It took a while to get used to that particular Latin literary style. But I wasn’t getting into it. Then came the realization, this is a book on defining terms. I could see its importance for the job he was asked to do by the Pope. But, it isn’t speaking to me. I’m not studying for a degree. Or even to impress anyone (too late for that, now). My interest lies in living a better life. (Man, am I glad again that I dropped out of that Ph.D. track I began after university. That could have been my life.)

Take a hint. Read things that fill your mind with advice for life. You’ll find every day a better place for existence. 

Keep Your Eyes On Your Own Work

October 17, 2023

For as long as there have been schools with students organized in rows and columns, there have been teachers saying, “Keep your eyes on your own work.”

Once again what we learned in kindergarten is appropriate in life as an adult.

We notice other people’s bodies or relationships or how they keep house and talk (gossip?) with others about them.

The time spent looking, thinking, talking to others is better spent paying attention to our own bodies, our own relationships, our own life. Not in a narcissistic way. In an honest evaluation of where we are and where we can improve. 

We could eat better, exercise just a little more, listen to those around (not just hear, but actively listen), pick up after ourselves.

There are times to think about other people. Not to discuss them with others. Rather to compliment, praise. Also if they are your responsibility to correct or guide. Sometimes to encourage.

Thinking About Thinking About Prayer

October 16, 2023

I remember in my youth when Janis Joplin sang, “Oh, Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz.”

Are our prayers a variation on that theme? Asking for something from the big vending machine in the sky?

Maybe it’s more meaningful than getting a luxury vehicle. Maybe it’s for health, ours or someone we know. Or maybe impossible things like peace in the Middle East. Or just to pass the next Algebra test. (That may seem impossible to some.)

Some of these things we ask for just are not going to happen, no matter how much we believe in miracles.

Funny thing about God is the expectation that we have some responsibility for many of the objects of our prayers. After years or even decades of abusing our bodies, we pray for health. After years of bad decisions from not listening to the wisdom of scriptures, we pray for a miracle to get us out of trouble.

So some (many?) prayers go unanswered. But Jesus said if we ask for it we’ll get it. How to reconcile? We didn’t believe enough? Most likely there was an answer that we either didn’t recognize or don’t want to follow through.

Maybe we just have things backwards. How often have we been advised, “Just shut up and listen.”

Sometimes we just need to get things out of our mind and pile them on someone else. If a neighbor isn’t handy, then God will do. I suggest that before we seriously dump on God that we settle into the spirit. Then listen for God. Gaining perspective, we can converse, speaking and listening. Devote a little time to it. We will probably be surprised at the answers.

Gratitude

October 13, 2023

The world became even crazier this week. The war in Ukraine appears to be reaching a stalemate situation where they just keep senselessly killing people and destroying property. Then Hamas invades Israel. I’ll not get into why this and why that. It’s a tension that builds and necessarily reaches a pressure point occasionally and explodes.

Yet, here I am. Safe from those atrocities. Home again from another technology conference where I met with old friends and new friends and discussed software and technology that solves problems to make the world a better place.

I, and millions (billions?) of people like me, have much for which to be grateful.

We must not only accept our situation as such, but express thanks to God and those around us for our being in this favorable situation.

Do not take it for granted. Things can change tomorrow. Be grateful today.

Tension Builds Until

October 12, 2023

Two sides. Two people. Two groups.

Tension builds between them. Maybe it is mutual animosity. Or mutual fear. Or differing desires.

In my case, it is a game. Two teams are playing soccer. The referee approaches one of the coaches to inform her of a problem with a player. Maybe instead of making the encounter as brief as possible, the referee wants to explain more. The coach wants to tell the referee that she missed a foul.  One word leads to the next word. Suddenly it’s an argument. The referee ejects the coach.

A simple encounter that could have been brief. It escalates because no one can take a breath and calm.

Two groups of people live in an atmosphere of mutual distrust and even fear. The tension never leaves. Then there is an incident. Someone cannot take the tension any longer and strikes. Maybe with a weapon. The situation escalates. 

We face these situations, small or large, often.

How do we react? Can we be the adult in the room? The one who draws the deep breath, calms, defuses the brewing confrontation?