Author Archive

You’ve Got To Know When To Hold’em Know When To Fold’em

November 8, 2023

Apologies to Kenny Rogers, but I’ve just finished two books packed with research and advice on growing in our interpersonal relationships. As a socially challenged geek, I need all the help I can get.

One book STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut, Dan Lyons tells us how is overpowering urge to talk almost cost him a relationship with his family when he found himself alone in an apartment. He reflected on a life filled with chatter. He worked on learning to maintain quiet. This is a superpower I wish I had. I can be quiet. If someone brings up a subject with which I’m conversant, I will, er, converse….

I used to tape a little label on my phone case: STFU. It was a reminder that I sometimes heeded.

Of course a good essay needs a compare and contrast (one of my political science professor’s favorite test question). NY Times and The Atlantic columnist and author David Brooks explored how to have significant conversations in order to learn How To Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.

Shall we stop and reflect on our interactions with others? Do we find ourselves talking at someone or talking with someone? Talking with requires that we actually hear the other person. And not only the words that vibrate our hearing system. What are they saying between the lines? What expressions do they hold? What was left out? Posture? Gaze?

I think a teacher of personal growth could take this book and turn it into a meaningful short-term class.

A particularly moving chapter tells the story of the depression and eventual suicide of Brooks’ lifetime friend. How he didn’t even realize the depth of depression. How he didn’t see the suicide coming. His lesson came later as he realized that not being a professional there was nothing he could have done to heal his friend. But he reflected on the many times he could have heard, deeply heard, his friend. That would have been helpful, if not healing.

Compare and contrast? Sometimes you have to be quiet and really listen to the person you’re with.

Jesus Was a Hard “A”

November 7, 2023

This professor randomly “cold calls” on students during class. Students must attend class and stay awake. They must all be prepared and ready to speak to the topic at any moment on any of the topics covered. 

Is this scary? Do students dread the class? On the contrary. Students love it. The class is oversubscribed. Everyone in the class is involved and committed to the class and to learning. There is no waste.

The professor in my freshman chemistry class should have been so cool. Of course, 350 students in a large lecture hall renders such intimacy impossible. I had mistakenly pledged a fraternity that year. (If you haven’t figured out from my writing that my lack of social awareness should have precluded any such idea, well, then I have not revealed enough of myself.) We were encouraged to hang out with “pledge brothers” wherever we were. One of the guys was a ringleader type who invented a crude religion during the lectures instead of paying attention and being invested in the course. I got better grades when I left the fraternity and actually studied with a small group.

Thinking of these teaching and learning styles, I realized that Jesus was a hard A. He also asked hard questions seemingly at random. Even when you were positive of the right answer, say quoting from Scripture, he’d prove you wrong. He took a harder stance, often turning the answer upside down from cultural knowledge.

It pays to be awake when we study the words and actions of Jesus—as well as the words of Paul and James and John—for those times when they upset our preconceived ideas and teach us a new way of seeing the world and others.

We need to be prepared. That means reading and reflecting and observing.

Giving and Receiving Grace

November 6, 2023

I have been able to discern through the practice of many spiritual disciplines that God comes to us through grace, or maybe more understandable (less theologically laden) we can say kindness. Some say forgiveness. I like kindness. God extends it. We humans can accept it, or not.

Accepting it, we can begin living with-God. Jesus called it living in the Kingdom of Heaven. It starts with the realization and acceptance that there is a God, and that God offers a better way to live. No rules, no judgement. God tried that rules thing (614 plus additional ones in the Hebrew Bible and Jewish 1st century practice?). 

Sounds simple. Why do we complicate it?

Unfortunately for us, it doesn’t stop there. It’s not all about you (and me).

Living with-God having accepted God’s grace, we must extend that grace to others. Responding to those who are injured and hurting; giving with a generous heart; having conversations with (not at) people showing care; practicing active listening. 

Thinking we can live within God’s grace and not share it is like that light hidden under a basket or being salt without savor. Pretty much worthless.

Perform a thought experiment. What would your household, neighborhood, community, nation, world be like if even half of us practiced sharing grace?

Leaders, Make Others Powerful

November 3, 2023

Are you a leader? Do you aspire to be a leader? Doesn’t matter what level—organization, committee, mission group, weekend soccer league.

Ben Zander, conductor, teacher (search YouTube for his clinics with young musicians), leader, shares this observation:

The conductor of an orchestra doesn’t make a sound. He depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful.

We read maybe with some Schadenfreude about the downfall of prominent leaders whose ego grew large in the belief that they were the organization.

Zander’s observation remembered often and incorporated into our very actions will save us. Sorry, leaders, it is not all about you. You had better thank all those people who make you look good.

I like bringing many things back to the realm of energy. I can sense it in an organization almost as soon as I enter a lobby. Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft who rescued it from the Steve Ballmer-generated slide, said this about business, but equally meaningful for any organization of any size, “The only way a business is successful and productive is if employees feel that sense of empowerment, that sense of energy and connection for the company’s mission and are doing meaningful work.”

Brother Lawrence Shows His Relationship With God

November 2, 2023

What you are speaks so loudly it drowns out what you say.

Psychologists who study these things tell us that our children learn more from what we do and how we act than what we tell them.

We get passed aggressively while driving. The car gets around us. We notice a couple of bumperstickers proclaiming “Jesus Saves” and “Follow Me to Church.” We think, “If that’s Christian, I don’t want any part of it.”

I’m reading an early 18th century book on the life of Brother Lawrence. He was a monk in the late 17th century renowned for his walk with God. The book is Practice of the Presence of God.

As Brother Lawrence had found such an advantage in walking in the presence of God, it was natural for him to recommend it earnestly to others; but his example was a stronger inducement than any arguments he could propose. His very countenance was edifying, such a sweet and calm devotion appearing in it as could not but effect the beholders.

Reflecting upon such spiritual examples convicts me of my social shortcomings. When did I say something unkind? When did I fail to ask and then listen? When did I grab something at the buffet before someone else could get it? When did I ignore someone when I could have said a kind word?

Tools For Mental Health

November 1, 2023

The man who shot many people in Maine last week was described as having had mental illness. Media outlets throw that term about too loosely and in a manner meant to be pejorative. After all, media does not exist to enhance our mental health but to provoke our emotions so that we’ll read or listen more.

Just like my usual advice of reducing news consumption from these sources to a minimum, beware labels these journalists apply.

We all have issues. Sometimes we can deal with them through music or a jacuzzi. Or simply getting outside for a run or walk through nature. Sometimes they become more painful, and we need to talk to someone. Sometimes they are overwhelming enough where a professional counsellor will help us through. Sometimes even further there exist chemical imbalances within us where the only corrective help comes through appropriate pharmaceuticals.

Simply applying a label of mental health or lack thereof is not helpful.

We all need to strive for optimum mental/emotional health. I offer this podcast from Andrew Huberman, PhD. His is in my top three or four that I listen to every week. Sometimes they are interviews, and sometimes he researches and does a deep dive into a topic. In this episode he, well, let Andrew explain it:

In this episode, I provide science-based tools and protocols to improve mood and mental health. These tools represent key takeaways from several recently published research studies, as well as from former Huberman Lab guests Lisa Feldman Barrett, Ph.D., an expert in the science of emotions, and Paul Conti, M.D., a psychiatrist with vast clinical expertise in helping people overcome mental health challenges. I explain the first principles of self-care, which include the “Big 6” core pillars for mood and mental health. Those ensure our physiology is primed for our overall feelings of well-being. Then, I explain science-based tools to directly increase confidence, build a stronger concept of self, better understand our unconscious mind, manage stress and improve our emotional tone and processing. I also explain ways to better process negative emotions and traumas. This episode ought to be of interest to anyone wishing to improve their relationship with themselves and others, elevate their mood and mental health, and better contribute to the world in meaningful ways.

The “Big 6” Pillars

  1. Sleep & Sleep Routine
  2. Light, Sunlight, Dark
  3. Movement
  4. Nutrition
  5. Social Connection
  6. Stress Control; Physiological Sigh

Time–Time to Complain or Time Simply Adjusted

October 31, 2023

I’m writing this on a Tuesday early morning. It’s dark at 6 am. Next Tuesday the first lightening of the dawn sky will be upon me at this hour. For, the US switches from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time Saturday night.

That means Facebook pages (used mostly these days by older adults who find change difficult to bear) will be filled with the angst of people not wanting to change. Newspaper editors will drag out the semi-annual stories of health risks supposedly caused by changing time. Politicians will jump on the bandwagon and promise to legislate Daily Savings Time into the dustbin of history.

And some, like me, will simply change the clocks Saturday before going to bed—well those that I still have to change—and get on with life.

We worry about so many little things. Sometimes we should emulate the iconic cover boy of Mad Magazine, Alfred E. Neuman, who said, “What, me worry?” For, almost every source of worry never happens.

It’s is healthier not to dwell in worry. 

If we must, how about worrying about what good we will do today? How we will be a little kinder to ourselves and others? How we will avoid being known as the community complainer?

What the World Needs Now

October 30, 2023

What the world needs now 

Is love, sweet love 

It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of 

What the world needs now 

Is love, sweet love 

No, not just for some, but for everyone

Hal David and Burt Bacharach

Our business culture consists of a drive for continual and exponential growth. This attitude bleeds over to every organization. Think mega-churches. Every small church pastor dreams of building the next mega-church.

What did these organizations breed? Rock star leaders with egos growing to the size of the solar system. Preachers telling you how to behave while forcing assistants to watch pornographic movies with them. CEOs more interested in manipulating financial numbers in order to drive up stock prices so that their gifts of stock from the corporation will be worth billions. 

Think on this from David W. Orr, professor of Environmental Studies at Oberlin College:

“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.” From Ecological Literacy: Educating Our Children for a Sustainable World.

We don’t need another Willow Creek or Saddleback. We need people who will get up in the morning and treat the family well. They’ll leave the house and bring peace and healing to those they meet. Treat the planet with kindness. Spread joy.

Church Growth? What Is The Real Goal?

October 27, 2023

Today is more of a meditative essay than short contemplative thought.

Many years ago I was involved in leadership in a church. The fad of the day was the Church Growth movement. Oh, yes, that continues even now 40+ years later. But I went off to church growth classes and seminars. Our small church probably had about 100 weekly attendance. We learned about building a building along the major highway or freeway. The building should be in the middle of a gigantic parking lot. There should be no traditional religious icons or art. The music should be contemporary. The speaker enthusiastic.

The goal copied from business (and actually borrowed from 19th Century Social Darwinism) focused on growth—growth in numbers of weekly attendees and growth in revenue.

I’m not sure anyone stopped to think about the real goal of a New Testament church. Oh, Bill Hybels at Willow Creek, the prototype of the genre, talked about an Acts 2 church. Trust me, they didn’t achieve that goal. Much good was undoubtedly achieved. But I wondered until I experienced it first hand. 

This week the Plough Daily thought drew from an essay by Charles E Cotherman (the link gives you  one of an allowed three page views, I believe). He said, in part (the entire essay is worth reading):

The drive for efficiency within local churches became more pervasive over time. In post-war America, it was often led by a revolving group of church growth consultants and expert communicators who built large ministries through the systematic appropriation of business techniques and large media platforms. But as local churches looked to top-selling Christian authors, famous television preachers, and well-known worship leaders, what they witnessed was a new kind of efficiency that rewarded those who had won the competition for market share. No wonder the temptation toward church consolidation and mega churches has been so compelling. Like Walmart, these larger churches have harnessed the power of efficiency to great effect.

Cotherman was concerned with small rural churches that at one point were considered “inefficient” (whatever that means). He noted, “What small rural churches can offer, however, is an opportunity to be truly known within the church and the larger community.”

My point evolves from that thought. What is the goal of the church? Is it really more about relationship? About people living the kind of life in the spirit (like in Acts 2) that other people are attracted? Is the goal number? Efficiency? Or better, isn’t it more about making the Good News  come alive within the lives of real people?

How?

Marketing guru Seth Godin wrote today about “Small groups, well organized.” He noted challenges for anyone seeking to make an impact.

  • First, we get distracted by the inclination to make the group as big as we can imagine. After all, the change is essential, the idea is a good one. It’s for everyone. Except that’s a trap. Because a group that’s too large cannot be coherent or organized. 
  • Or perhaps, we blink and settle for a group that’s too small. Change requires tension, and if our group is so small that it’s comfortable at all times, we are probably avoiding making an impact. 
  • And well organized? That’s the persistent, generous work of creating the conditions for deep connection. 

When in doubt, focus on how to organize the folks you already have. Find a way to give them the tools for them to tell the others. Build a resilient loop, one that gets more organized and powerful as you grow. The right-sized group and ceaseless peer-to-peer organization are the foundation of culture change.

I applaud the phrase right-sized. Remember the goal. Is it only numbers? Or is it lives worth living?

I am “thinking out loud.” What do you think? I encourage thought–whether or not you comment.

Get Out of Your Own Way

October 26, 2023

“Getting Things Done,” by David Allen swept through the ranks of knowledge workers twenty-some years ago. I actually have four of his books staring at me from my bookshelf. GTD, practitioners were called “GTD-ers”. 

People thought they would increase productivity exponentially (for the math challenged, that means by a lot).

They missed some of the points. The most important perhaps was clearing your mind. You need to cultivate a “mind like water,” that is, a mind that restores itself to tranquility soon after a random agitation. It’s what happens when you throw a pebble into a still pond.

You clear your mind by capturing your thoughts in a trusted place. This habit clears your mind—it no longer needs to keep it in random access memory.

Similarly, I just listened to executive coach and author Jerry Colonna talk about writing on his latest book during his annual two-month sabbatical (yes, he has taken a sabbatical that long for 20 years). He talked about productivity influencers instructing us to write 1,000 words/day. He was frustrated. Stressed. Then thought—I’m putting this stress on myself. Why don’t I get out of the way? Don’t stress. Get up. Write some. Go out and hike in the wilderness.

Maybe we have committee work. Or deadlines. Or wallboard repairs in the garage (oops, that’s mine).

Maybe we quit stressing about it. Write what needs to be done. Tackle these items serially. Don’t stress. When there’s an opportune time, work on it.

Cal Newport, author and computer science professor who wrote Deep Work, calls this slow productivity. I say develop workflows and just plug away at things without stressing over them.

Get out of your own way. Do what’s important. Rinse and repeat.