Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Solve Disagreements Within The Church Family

November 2, 2015

“What happened to that couple?” she asked. “I haven’t seen them in a while.”

“She got mad at something someone said and quit coming,” I replied.

“Well, we should settle those things in the family instead of just quitting,” she replied.

Problem is that no one within the family reached out to them. I told a pastor who had a better point of view to address the situation than I. But neither one ever contacted the other.

Both Jesus and Paul addressed settling things within the family. They addressed a similar matter about taking a brother to court. But the point still was that we should settle matters.

Check out Matthew 18: 15-17 and the first verses of 1 Corinthians 6.

Let’s take a look at both sides and see if there is some discipline that we should apply

Jesus also told us a couple of time that if we have something against a brother or sister (meaning within the fellowship) that we should make things right before proceeding with worship. I think even modern psychologists and therapists would tell us that we bear some responsibility with initiating reconciliation.

Often people say things that they have no idea would be offensive to anyone else. If you don’t go tell them, they’ll never know. And everyone will wonder.

Sometimes you say something and think “Oops, I didn’t mean that.” Or sometimes you get upset and say things. Self-awareness brings the conviction of having hurt someone. It’s important to put pride aside and go make things right.

Letting things go never works. Don’t go off and pout. Confront with love. Respond with love. Work things out within the family.

Not For The Purpose of Quarreling Over Opinions

September 17, 2015

Yesterday I pondered what kind of church, indeed what kind of society, we’d have if we could incorporate Paul’s 29 definitions of love from Romans 12.

Then I glanced over a page and saw Romans 14: “Welcome those who are weak in the faith, but not for the purpose of quarreling over opinions.”

We live in a society of people filled to overflowing with emotional opinions that are shallow and not thought out. Just check the majority of Facebook posts. Or check the comments to blogs over the past 10 years.

Andy Stanley recently taught a series called “Christian” where he voiced general society’s view of Christians as a quarrelsome lot. He nailed it.

I long ago gave up on the idea of having an intelligent conversation based on well-thought-out ideas among people willing to listen to reason. Actually, I have had a few business dinners where that sort of good conversation broke out. But it rarely happens among Christians.

What if? What if those of us who identify as Christ-followers, those seeking to live a with-God life, what if we chose not to quarrel with those weak in the faith over opinions? What if we asked questions out of the depths of love? And then listened to their stories with the depths of love? And what if we could quietly share just what great things happen personally when we live a life with God?

John Lennon sang, “You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one.”

I’d love to see more than a few of us. How about you?

Who Influences Your Mood?

July 16, 2015

Do you remember when Facebook researchers wanted to see if what you read in your “news” stream influences your mood?

They wanted to see what you posted after being exposed to either a stream of negative posts or a stream of positive posts. There was a huge uprising against their methodology–they essentially manipulated your news feed for research (not that they don’t manipulate it now).

They did find a correlation between what you were exposed to and what you posted.

Negative people can drag you down emotionally. Positive people build you up.

Both Paul and Proverbs warn us to be aware of whom we hang out with. Other people can influence us in ways we may not even realize.

Doesn’t it feel great to hang out with energetic, positive people? I was working at a coffee shop this morning and two women who exhibited those characteristics were involved in an animated conversation. I have no idea what they were discussing, but I think that they lifted my whole day. This was one of the most productive days I’ve had for a while.

This leads me to ponder two different things.

First–how do I become aware of the effect of someone? How quickly do I discern the attitude of the other? How quickly and decisively do I extract them from my life?

Second–how often am I the positive, energized person spreading light and energy to others? How often am I the doom-and-gloom person who drags people down? How quickly do I realize that in a conversation?

Perhaps a good practice would be to establish a trigger that makes us stop and consider our attitude and our words. We can modify them on the fly if we are only aware.

Six Things Productive People Do Every Day

July 14, 2015

This is a riff off a Silicon Valley investor (I follow many high technology bloggers and Websites) James Altucher. I think about personal disciplines a lot. I think about how developing a set of disciplines–or practices–can improve the way we live our lives. And enhance our spiritual journey.

Altucher was not thinking specifically about spiritual development. Many of his (more than) six things are (or can be) spiritual disciplines.

He says, “About six years ago I would say I was 100 percent unproductive. Everything I did would cost me in either well-being or money. By “well-being” I mean, competence, good relationships, and freedom. So when I say “cost me well-being” I would do things to specifically hurt the above three.”

Here are some good thoughts–especially when you see some of the stuff that gets passed around on Facebook. “Using that filter you can easily decide what is productive and what is not. For instance, do you respond to that negative comment on the Internet? No. Never. That person is dealing with his issues. Maybe he or she needs help from people who love him. But you don’t have to give that help. That would be unproductive.”

“A day is productive if I grow in competence. If I grow in my relationships. If I grow in my feeling of “choosing myself” – my freedom to make my own decisions in life instead of catering to the decisions and tastes of others.”

Here is his list. I love them. I may think of a couple more. What do you think? What would you add?

Reading

Reading is maybe the most productive thing you can ever do. Here’s what happens: when you die at the age of 100, you’ve just lived one 100-year life.

But when I read a book in a few days time, I just absorbed an entire life, curated, of someone I admire or respect. It’s like every book I read is a mentor. How many mentors do I have? 1000s.

Sleeping

I used to admire people who say, “I only need three hours of sleep a day.”

Only later do I find out that most of these people are borderline mentally ill. Think about the people in your life who say they only need three hours of sleep. Be honest. Maybe they are a little… (fill in the blank).

Why is sleeping productive? There’s brain science about rejuvenating neurons, etc. I read that somewhere. There are all sorts of studies that people who sleep more get sick less, have more willpower, are less at risk for cancer, etc.

But there’s something else. Dan Ariely, a guest on my podcast, says that the brain’s peak performance happens 2-4 hours after you wake up. So here’s what I do. I wake up at 5. I’ll read (or take a walk), until 7 a.m., and then I’ll start writing. Writing is the activity I love most. I’m a little kid again when I write. So I want my brain to be at it’s peak. So I’ll write from 7 – 9 a.m.

Then, I do a trick. Many days (when I can) I’ll take a 1-2 hour nap around 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Then I know that two hours later my brain again will be peaking. Maybe not as much as before. But enough. So I’ll write again. This is why I do my Twitter Q&As at 3:30 every Thursday because I know my brain is supercharged then.

I know that if I do the activity I love most when my brain and body have the most energy then that will create the most value, create the most opportunities for me, improve my competence and improve my freedom (because of the opportunities generated).

Eat at Home

I don’t like to eat out. It takes so long. And then you have to wait for the bill. And I always feel bloated and I hate salads in restaurants.

So we make simple meals and we are done in about 10 minutes, two meals a day. I probably save an hour or two by not eating out or not eating junk that will bloat me and make me less productive.

Throw Stuff Out

A few months ago, my wife and I threw out almost everything we owned. What do we really need? I like reading on the Kindle. How many sheets do we need? We never have guests. How many clothes do I need? I was storing clothes I hadn’t worn in forever. Our house was totally empty. It was really nice. I felt like a breath of fresh air was going through my head.

It makes room for new things, new connections between my memories, new things for me to enjoy. Fewer things to obsess over. Cleaning the outside and cleaning the inside reduce stress. Every day I try to throw things out. It makes me feel good.

It also makes me feel like I need less. Throwing things out tells my brain, “you don’t need this anymore,” so my brain stops wanting things.

No News

Someone asked me a few weeks ago to comment on “the situation in Greece.” I guess they are going to default on their debt. So what? This gives TV people something to argue about. I’m happy for them.

People are wired to notice lions much faster than they notice apple trees. That’s why we are alive.

Since there’s no more lions chasing us down Main Street, the news tries to find other ways to trigger that fight or flight reflex.

No Meetings

I never went to a meeting where someone gave me a check at the end. I’ve never traveled to a meeting where it resulted in me making money or being happier. Most meetings can be summarized in a two-line email.

I’ll go to a meeting if it’s with my friends. That’s fun and improves my relationships. But I never go to any other meetings.

No Phone

I talk on the phone maybe once every other day. Again, the two-line email thing works in most cases.

Email

I like Neil Strauss’s approach. He has one hour a day scheduled for emails. His wife has his password so he can’t even log on to email before that hour.

Again, if you’re an employee somewhere you might be in the habit of responding quickly to email from, say, a boss. But try to cut it down to end-of-day when your brain is moving a bit slower and you don’t need it as much. Only do the thing you love most during your peak productive hours.

Experiences

We’re the sum of our experiences and not our material things. Experiences stay with us forever and build us into who we become. They add to our well-being. Material things get lost or thrown out or lose their usefulness.

A good experience for me is: where I meet friends, where I learn something new, where I learn something new that can increase my freedom.

Nice People Do Finish First

January 15, 2015

“27 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
when it is in your power to do it.
28 Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again,
tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you.
29 Do not plan harm against your neighbor
who lives trustingly beside you.
30 Do not quarrel with anyone without cause,
when no harm has been done to you.”

–Proverbs 3

It is said, “Nice guys finish last.”

I know people who call themselves Christian who are Darwinists. Oh, no, not the evolutionary scientist ones. The ones who subscribe to a late 19th Century philosophy derived from Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest–Social Darwinists.

There was one of those who worked with me for years. At least, he was the most blatant of the philosophy. These are people for whom life is a “zero-sum game.” There are winners and there are losers. And you know the winners by how much wealth they’ve accumulated, the size and location of their house(s), the size of their salary. Losers? Well, they should just get lost. Who cares about them?

Like narcissists (are they cousins?), many can be charming at times. But the in-your-face attitude often comes out.

Scientific evidence

Scientists have discovered ways to simulate all manner of situations on powerful computers. This article in Lifehacker reports on a computer simulation of a game called Prisoner’s Dilemma.

Researchers set up a “game” where the players get two cards (options) which are basically to cooperate or compete to win the game. Humans playing the game typically choose to compete.

This latest research set up a computer simulation of the game that could be iterated many times. The results–it is better for both players to cooperate rather than compete.

Biblical wisdom

I guess Biblical wisdom is really, er, wise.

While maintaining your core strength gained from God, treat your fellow humans nicely, with dignity and respect. In the end, you’ll win.

Statistics Don’t Tell The Whole Story

October 27, 2014

People are always searching for their identity. Check out Facebook–what comic book character are you, what soap opera character are you, and so on. Or they look at statistics to determine their character or future.

I picked this up from the original blog–slashdot. “HughPickens.com writes Randy Olson, a Computer Science grad student who works with data visualizations, writes about seven of the biggest factors that predict what makes for a long term stable marriage in America. Olson took the results of a study that polled thousands of recently married and divorced Americans and and asked them dozens of questions about their marriage (PDF): How long they were dating, how long they were engaged, etc. After running this data through a multivariate model, the authors were able to calculate the factors that best predicted whether a marriage would end in divorce.”

“What struck me about this study is that it basically laid out what makes for a stable marriage in the US,” writes Olson.

  • How long you were dating (Couples who dated 1-2 years before their engagement were 20% less likely to end up divorced than couples who dated less than a year before getting engaged. Couples who dated 3 years or more are 39% less likely to get divorced.);
  • How much money you make (The more money you and your partner make, the less likely you are to ultimately file for divorce. Couples who earn $125K per year are 51% less likely to divorce than couples making 0 — 25k);
  • How often you go to church (Couples who never go to church are 2x more likely to divorce than regular churchgoers.);
  • Your attitude toward your partner (Men are 1.5x more likely to end up divorced when they care more about their partner’s looks, and women are 1.6x more likely to end up divorced when they care more about their partner’s wealth.);
  • How many people attended the wedding (“Crazy enough, your wedding ceremony has a huge impact on the long-term stability of your marriage. Perhaps the biggest factor is how many people attend your wedding: Couples who elope are 12.5x more likely to end up divorced than couples who get married at a wedding with 200+ people.”);
  • How much you spent on the wedding (The more you spend on your wedding, the more likely you’ll end up divorced.);
  • Whether you had a honeymoon (Couples who had a honeymoon are 41% less likely to divorce than those who had no honeymoon).

Well, my wife and I are just over 50/50 on this. Our income has been adequate for most of our marriage. We have always attended church weekly (at least). As far as I know, the attitude one is not applicable. We did take a honeymoon.

However, we dated almost 2 months before we were engaged and only knew each other about 9 months when we were married–with 11 people plus us at the wedding with the wedding dinner at the local family-style restaurant.

So we had about equal odds of being married the 44 years that we have.

I bet there are many others. But for an unfortunate many, these factors played out negatively. It’s probably luck and hard work. But consider these factors as you consider marriage. But don’t just blow everything on a wedding reception and start marriage in a financial hole ;-)f

Who Brings You Energy

May 28, 2014

When you enter a room, what do you bring with you?

Yesterday I was meditating on how to restore energy when you relate to people who seem to suck energy out of you.

On the other hand, who brings energy to you? God also brings those people into your life. I know many.

What can we learn by studying that type of person? How can we grow? After all, energy, like love, grows as it spreads.

Some are people with passionate interests. Even if I don’t share the same interest, I’m affected by their energy, enthusiasm, and passion. But it’s even better if they share a personal vision that I can participate in–maybe a passion for serving children and women in far off places. Or a passion for feeding the homeless here in Sidney.

Some ask questions. They seem genuinely interested in you by asking about how you’re feeling and what you’re doing.

Some love discussing ideas. A deep discussion always results from meeting these people–even if it’s only for a few minutes, something insightful occurs.

They are positive people. Unless discussing a problem to be solved, they have stories about triumphs, growth, passions of others.

It usually starts with a smile.

Do we bring any of that into a room with us?

Value of a Smile

May 15, 2014

When you walk into a room, what do you bring with you? Cheer, or gloom?

I recently met a woman. I know when I see her again that I will recognize her. Yet, I cannot really picture her in my mind. What I remember is her smile. It is so friendly.

Last night at dinner, I noticed that when I dealt with my server or the hostess with a smile, it seemed contagious. My server was OK, but she seemed to become nicer and smiled, too.

Maybe these are contagious. Maybe like they say about love, the more you give away the more you receive.

Then there are the people who seem to spread gloom or discord wherever they go. They talk about other people’s problems and faults. They scowl. (Ever look at an older person’s face and see how it is set–either in a permanent frown or smile?) The just seem to deflate the atmosphere.

There is a line in a detective novel I’ll never forget. Someone is describing a man and says, “He smiles, but his eyes don’t seem to match the smile.”

The smile must be part of your person, or people will feel the masquerade.

On the other hand, maybe you don’t feel on top of the world. Things are weighing you down. Yet, when you meet someone, if you can smile a greeting not only do they feel better, but so will you.

I don’t think Richard Foster listed smiling as a Spiritual Discipline. I think it fits.

Change Your Personality

March 27, 2014

Know anyone who was once addicted to something–sex, drugs, alcohol, TV, gaming–and then “got converted” and became addicted to Jesus (or some other religion or pseudo-religion)?

They had the same personality. It was just directed in a different manner. Hopefully less personally destructive, although not always.

Can you really change your personality?

I have witnessed personalities change over time. Mine certainly has–considerably. Sometimes that’s good. Sometimes not.

You can take the Myers-Briggs Types Indicator and see where you fall as one of 16 personality types. Some things don’t change. I’m “Thinking” rather than “Feeling” rather strongly. (My Extrovert/Introvert type is just borderline E–could go either way, for example.) My whole life if you give me information, I’ll analyze it. Think about it. I tend to go with thinking rather than how I feel about it.

Sometimes an analytical personality will drive people crazy–especially the feeling types.

Looked at another way, there are controlling types of people. They actually can change, learn to let go and loosen up a little. Become more aware of others and gain a broader perspective.

I grew up with a worrier and anxious type. It rubbed off on me, of course. But I learned skills to cope. 45 years of meditation also helps bring down anxiety and controlling tendencies–you can become at once more mellow and more focused.

Knowing personality type helps you understand why you like certain types of worship rather than others. You can learn it isn’t good or bad–some people just are more comfortable with one type.

Knowing when your type drives other people crazy can be the first step toward toning down the negative parts of a type and enhancing the positive–thus getting along with other types.

I have seen personalities change over time. Beware of sudden personality changes in yourself or someone you know. That could be a symptom of a problem. But it probably helps all of us to mellow out the extremes of our personality type and learn to get along.

Living With Diversity Or Dealing With Outcasts

March 13, 2014

Jesus and his followers for the next 300 years or so understood that they lived in a multi-ethnic society. They did not expect that the whole neighborhood, city, country were just like them. They had a message about how to live life in the Spirit and wanted to share it.

I grew up Methodist in a Lutheran town (pop. 1,000). We were taught there were vast differences between us. So, go figure when the first “hillbillies” moved into town. Wow, the old women started talking. (I spent time with my great-grandmother, so that’s the group I heard.)

Now, look at the New Testament. Jesus, Paul, and the rest. They dealt routinely with people from a variety of cultures. Of course, there were people who “kept to their own kind.” But not these people.

Our politicians in Washington are debating immigration again (still?). Politics is one thing, and I don’t care to discuss it. But much of the argument comes from attitude. That, I’ll discuss. They’re not like us. They speak a different language. Have a different culture. Eat different foods. We still have people who wish to keep to their own kind.

Look at the example of Jesus (recorded in John 4). In two quick stories, back-to-back, John tells about Jesus talking with a woman (gasp) alone by a well outside the city. Oops, she’s also from an outcast part of the area (Samaritan). That’s two strikes. What is he up to?

Then he stays two days in the Samaritan town. Remember, Jews at the time would walk for miles to go around the area of Samaria rather than even walk through it. Can you imagine Jesus’ disciples? What were they thinking when Jesus said, “OK, let’s spend a couple of days here.”

The very next story concerns a Roman. Even worse than a Samaritan. Jesus heals his child.

The Samaritans believed. The Roman believed. There are no comments in the text. It’s just business as usual for Jesus.

Just so for us. Many of us in the Midwest grew up in homogeneous towns. Many others grew up among the same type of people even in cities. Some still live apart from others.

Following the example of our pioneer leaders in faith, we need to learn to live with diversity. Understand that others are also human, with the same needs and desires. We all need to live in the Spirit of God.