Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

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Spirit and Action, Can’t Have One Without the Other

September 6, 2013

I’ve been reading and contemplating Isaiah 58. Past posts have quoted extensively. One concept has been made clear with this reading–God directly links the spiritual pursuit of Him with ethical actions toward others.

If we think clearly, we remember that Jesus did the same thing. Almost all the time he linked spirit and action.

I devoted years to spiritual pursuit through meditation and contemplation. The goal was to find God. Experience God. And I did. And the experience is fantastic. But all the while I remembered two of my spiritual heroes–St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila. They left us with some supreme spiritual writing and advice. They also worked hard at reforming their religious orders at a time when people began to notice the corruption within the organization of the Catholic Church.

Spirit plus Action.

Last night I was catching up on my podcast queue while driving home from the Chicago area. Caught this TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal. She is a psychologist who studied stress. Once she believed that all stress was bad for you. Then she discovered some research that suggests that stress may only be bad for you if you believe that to be the case. She urges us to see stress as a positive, and introduces us to an unsung mechanism for stress reduction: reaching out to others.

Turns out that by helping others a hormone is released that not only affects the brain to increase your awareness, but also there are receptors in the heart for this hormone (oxytocin) where the hormone actually helps rebuild the heart.

And you can use the two meanings of heart in English–the actual organ and compassion. The effect of oxytocin in the brain is to cause you to want to reach out to others in times of stress–either yours or theirs. When you do that it impacts your own heart positively.

I know that there are many Christians (and people from other religious traditions) who are skeptical of science. But the more I study science and the intricacies of the relationships of all the components of life, the more I am in awe of the God who created everything.

Use your heart to help your heart.

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Lost That Loving Feeling

August 12, 2013
Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield, The Righteous Brothers

Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield, The Righteous Brothers

The powerful voices of Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield, The Righteous Brothers, pound in my brain. “You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, oh-oh-oh, that lovin’ feeling; Baby, you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling and it’s gone, gone, gone.”

Our small group has been reading Not a Fan: Becoming a Completely Committed Follower of Jesus by Kyle Idleman. In a chapter called Passionate Pursuit, he discusses a concept I haven’t heard for years–acedia. That’s a Latin word usually translated as sloth–one of the “seven deadly sins.”

Like Idleman, I pondered why “sloth” was one of those sins. It just didn’t seem to fit. Then I read the Desert Fathers writings and came across John Climacus (or St. John of the Ladder) who wrote The Ladder of Divine Ascent. This great book from the 7th century describes for the early monastic movement what emotions to overcome on your Divine ascent, and he devotes a lot of space to acedia (uh-see-dee-a).

You have been pursuing something with great passion. Your girl friend / boy friend. Your profession. Your sport. A deeper Spiritual life. You think you cannot live without the object of your pursuit.

Then, something happens. Usually a little at a time other cares start to impinge on your mind, emotions, energy. You don’t seem to care as much. Don’t devote so much time.

Then Bill and Bobby are singing your song–You’ve lost that loving feeling.

Passion is used often these days to describe oneself. Once in an editorial I wrote about being passionate about automation and manufacturing (I still am, by the way). A friend wrote that she is a “passionate communicator.” (and she is). So many people begin something with great passion and then wither–like the seeds scattered on thin soil that Jesus describes that sprout fast and then wither in the sun.

If you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling in your Spiritual quest, there are ways to get it back. You begin by getting back into the Spiritual Disciplines. Read The Bible or a devotional every day. Meditate and Pray every day. Worship and Celebrate with your Jesus-follower friends. Remember why you were first in love. Stir up the embers in the fireplace and add some new kindling. Get the fire roaring again.

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Emotional Intelligence Requires Managing Relationships

August 9, 2013

I started thinking about emotional intelligence when I witnessed a nasty altercation that almost became physical in the waiting area of an airport this week.

We looked at acknowledging our own emotions and then managing them. That is a very hard step–especially when we are caught up in a deep emotion. It’s hard, but necessary to step back away from ourselves. There is a skill where you can mentally step out of your body and see yourself as others see you. That act can be very insightful.

Then we learn to look at others. Take notice of their emotional state. Listen to them. Ask questions or provide support to them.

We can see where this is going. First we see ourselves. Then we acknowledge others. Finally, we have the relationship among people.

I’m not sure that I’m the role model for relationship. I have been married (to the same woman) for more than 40 years. I guess that says something. I just returned home from a conference that I’ve attended for 16 years. Over that time, I’ve grown into relationships of another sort with many people I see every year. Those business relationships that merge over into somewhat personal are most gratifying. I’ve cheered their successes, empathized with challenges.

Sometimes relationships can be less healthy. Maybe there are ones where we just seem to feed some negative emotion of the other person. Maybe we just can’t help ourselves from annoying, provoking or enabling bad behaviour in certain other persons.

That’s where we need to go back to step one. Then step two. Then straighten out that relationship. Or–walk away from it. There are people with whom I’ll never get along. I just keep them out of my life as much as possible–like removing a tumor, I suppose.

Mostly, I’ve found that listening, empathy and a smile go a long way towards promoting many types of healthy relationships–from gate agents at the airport to people who are closest. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect. Far from it. And I tend to avoid confrontation when that might be the best response in a situation. But try my three little tips. See if you don’t get along better.

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Recognizing The Emotions In Others

August 8, 2013

Have you ever thought about buying a car? You drove to a dealership of a brand you think you might like. You walk over to the line of cars and start looking around.

Then–a salesperson approaches. Big smile. Looking for a car? He breaks the ice. Then he proceeds to tell you all the features of the car and the price, which is only $X.

How do you feel?

A few times in my business career I have been in sales. For the past 15 years or so, I go along on sales calls to provide technical support or perhaps be that person who describes all the features. In fact, only recently I was on another sales call. Many times I have been shocked to watch the interaction and see that the salesperson has never taken the time to know the person we are meeting with and what her needs are.

Or sometimes even watch the prospect. I left a sales meeting one time with a top sales person and told him, “He’s ready to buy.” My friend was shocked. “What?” I said, “Didn’t you watch him while you were talking? He stopped being preoccupied. He asked questions assuming he was already installing the product on his machine. And many other buying signals.”

Observe the other person

These sales people are not unlike us. We are more interested in what we are saying than we are in the other person. But the fourth step of gaining emotional intelligence is recognizing the emotions in others.

One must be very careful here. It is far too easy to miss an emotion. Maybe the anger masks insecurity. And maybe we try to psychoanalyze. We must be observant. Turn the focus on the other person (not on us). Ask, “What’s up?” Then, listen.

  • Watch (observe) the other person
  • Ask questions in a friendly manner (not like a lawyer cross-examining)
  • Listen (really listen) to what they say verbally and physically
  • Paraphrase back to show you were listening and to validate their worth

I am still amazed at how many people are mostly focused upon themselves. Most are good people. They don’t realize it. They may even think that they are focused on the other. But they’re not.

Try it. You’ll learn a lot. And maybe make some new friends.

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Motivating Yourself Toward Emotional Intelligence

August 7, 2013

I thought I’d just continue down the Emotional Intelligence path for a couple of days. This was triggered by the airport incident I talked about yesterday where a little emotional intelligence would have been a great thing.

In their book, Lennick & Kiel discussed five areas under emotional intelligence and then four under moral intelligence. We talked a little about knowing your own emotions and then managing your emotions. We’ll add to that today with some thoughts on motivating yourself.

Seems to fit that I’m in Austin, Texas for a conference put on by a company called National Instruments. This is a pretty high technology conference. But everything they do pretty much boils down to measuring things, analyzing things and then doing something with that knowledge gained. There are almost 4,000 people here who were motivated to pay the conference fee, pay for travel and a hotel, and take a week away from family and work to learn how to do this better.

The first step toward emotional intelligence is to know your emotional state. That’s the measure stage of using this technology. We may not have a measurement grade, but we can relate  emotional state to temperature. There’s normal. Then there’s too cool–as in depression. Then there’s too hot–as in anger. You can calculate the many different emotions similarly.

When we know what the state is, if it is out of balance, we can work to restore balance. We need that motivation to study what is going on and maybe how other people have managed emotions in order to grow.

I have found that certain spiritual practices are of great help in this process. Especially meditation and prayer. These practices slow you down. They help put a gap between emotion and response. I wish I could say they work perfectly. But even so, given time you will notice a change.

The motivation comes from many sources. But mostly it comes from a recognition that “I am this sort of person” but “I’d like to be that sort of person.” I want to change who I am. I see myself as calm and calming.

Interestingly, toward the end of my soccer referee instructor training last weekend, we were just chatting and I related something to teaching Yoga. One of the guys said, “I can totally see you teaching Yoga.” That is another calming practice. I had no idea I came across that way, but obviously I’ve started becoming the person I set out to be.

But the journey is far from over.

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