Archive for the ‘Disciplines’ Category

You’ve Got To Know When To Hold’em Know When To Fold’em

November 8, 2023

Apologies to Kenny Rogers, but I’ve just finished two books packed with research and advice on growing in our interpersonal relationships. As a socially challenged geek, I need all the help I can get.

One book STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut, Dan Lyons tells us how is overpowering urge to talk almost cost him a relationship with his family when he found himself alone in an apartment. He reflected on a life filled with chatter. He worked on learning to maintain quiet. This is a superpower I wish I had. I can be quiet. If someone brings up a subject with which I’m conversant, I will, er, converse….

I used to tape a little label on my phone case: STFU. It was a reminder that I sometimes heeded.

Of course a good essay needs a compare and contrast (one of my political science professor’s favorite test question). NY Times and The Atlantic columnist and author David Brooks explored how to have significant conversations in order to learn How To Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.

Shall we stop and reflect on our interactions with others? Do we find ourselves talking at someone or talking with someone? Talking with requires that we actually hear the other person. And not only the words that vibrate our hearing system. What are they saying between the lines? What expressions do they hold? What was left out? Posture? Gaze?

I think a teacher of personal growth could take this book and turn it into a meaningful short-term class.

A particularly moving chapter tells the story of the depression and eventual suicide of Brooks’ lifetime friend. How he didn’t even realize the depth of depression. How he didn’t see the suicide coming. His lesson came later as he realized that not being a professional there was nothing he could have done to heal his friend. But he reflected on the many times he could have heard, deeply heard, his friend. That would have been helpful, if not healing.

Compare and contrast? Sometimes you have to be quiet and really listen to the person you’re with.

Jesus Was a Hard “A”

November 7, 2023

This professor randomly “cold calls” on students during class. Students must attend class and stay awake. They must all be prepared and ready to speak to the topic at any moment on any of the topics covered. 

Is this scary? Do students dread the class? On the contrary. Students love it. The class is oversubscribed. Everyone in the class is involved and committed to the class and to learning. There is no waste.

The professor in my freshman chemistry class should have been so cool. Of course, 350 students in a large lecture hall renders such intimacy impossible. I had mistakenly pledged a fraternity that year. (If you haven’t figured out from my writing that my lack of social awareness should have precluded any such idea, well, then I have not revealed enough of myself.) We were encouraged to hang out with “pledge brothers” wherever we were. One of the guys was a ringleader type who invented a crude religion during the lectures instead of paying attention and being invested in the course. I got better grades when I left the fraternity and actually studied with a small group.

Thinking of these teaching and learning styles, I realized that Jesus was a hard A. He also asked hard questions seemingly at random. Even when you were positive of the right answer, say quoting from Scripture, he’d prove you wrong. He took a harder stance, often turning the answer upside down from cultural knowledge.

It pays to be awake when we study the words and actions of Jesus—as well as the words of Paul and James and John—for those times when they upset our preconceived ideas and teach us a new way of seeing the world and others.

We need to be prepared. That means reading and reflecting and observing.

Brother Lawrence Shows His Relationship With God

November 2, 2023

What you are speaks so loudly it drowns out what you say.

Psychologists who study these things tell us that our children learn more from what we do and how we act than what we tell them.

We get passed aggressively while driving. The car gets around us. We notice a couple of bumperstickers proclaiming “Jesus Saves” and “Follow Me to Church.” We think, “If that’s Christian, I don’t want any part of it.”

I’m reading an early 18th century book on the life of Brother Lawrence. He was a monk in the late 17th century renowned for his walk with God. The book is Practice of the Presence of God.

As Brother Lawrence had found such an advantage in walking in the presence of God, it was natural for him to recommend it earnestly to others; but his example was a stronger inducement than any arguments he could propose. His very countenance was edifying, such a sweet and calm devotion appearing in it as could not but effect the beholders.

Reflecting upon such spiritual examples convicts me of my social shortcomings. When did I say something unkind? When did I fail to ask and then listen? When did I grab something at the buffet before someone else could get it? When did I ignore someone when I could have said a kind word?

What the World Needs Now

October 30, 2023

What the world needs now 

Is love, sweet love 

It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of 

What the world needs now 

Is love, sweet love 

No, not just for some, but for everyone

Hal David and Burt Bacharach

Our business culture consists of a drive for continual and exponential growth. This attitude bleeds over to every organization. Think mega-churches. Every small church pastor dreams of building the next mega-church.

What did these organizations breed? Rock star leaders with egos growing to the size of the solar system. Preachers telling you how to behave while forcing assistants to watch pornographic movies with them. CEOs more interested in manipulating financial numbers in order to drive up stock prices so that their gifts of stock from the corporation will be worth billions. 

Think on this from David W. Orr, professor of Environmental Studies at Oberlin College:

“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.” From Ecological Literacy: Educating Our Children for a Sustainable World.

We don’t need another Willow Creek or Saddleback. We need people who will get up in the morning and treat the family well. They’ll leave the house and bring peace and healing to those they meet. Treat the planet with kindness. Spread joy.

Looking Inside

September 21, 2023

I began the contemplative journey before I left high school. There was the Zen influence from the Beat Generation (I identify more there than the Hippies who came later). Then I read St. John of the Cross and Thomas Merton. And I was off.

Like many, I began searching for enlightenment. Of course, I didn’t know what that was. 

Enlightenment is comprised not merely in the seeing of luminous visions, but in making the darkness visible. The latter procedure, however, is more difficult, and therefore, unpopular.

Carl Jung

Recently re-reading New Seeds of Contemplation by Merton I was reminded that there is contemplation through the dry periods after enlightenment. The times when I sit and nothing comes. God? Who’s she? The contemplative continues to sit through those times.

If we are not routinely embarrassed by how we behave, the journey to self-knowledge hasn’t really begun.

Alain de Botton

Who, me? I am certainly routinely embarrassed by my behaviour. Maybe I’m on the way.

Those who are unconscious of themselves find their own shadows coming to meet them.

Carl Jung

I have been shown the universal kinship of all humans in peace and love for all. I have also been shown all the sins and evils I am capable of within me. Maybe Jung would be satisfied. 

Life lived looking inward and at the same time serving outward is well lived.

What If You Didn’t Have to be Perfect?

September 13, 2023

I subscribe to a lot of research on a number of issues. Rather than look at media (national or social) headlines for information, I get it from the sources. This research about weight loss is informative.

Researchers looked at what happens to your mental health when you go on a restrictive diet plan. The researchers found that people who went on restrictive plans had higher levels of binge eating, more food cravings, less control, more preoccupation with food, and more guilt when they ate foods they enjoyed.

In fact, according to the National Weight Control Registry (NWCR), a list of more than 10,000 people who have lost weight—and kept it off for years — tend to eat carbs, enjoy breakfast, and avoid extreme restrictions and gimmicks. It’s the opposite of what you hear in most diets, and that’s not a coincidence.

Here’s your new game plan: stop chasing 100 percent weeks and start avoiding 0% weeks. Instead of every decision being black and white, or every day being make or break, zoom out, see the bigger picture, enjoy some flexibility, and give yourself space to build better habits.

This thought applies to almost all areas of our life.

Suppose we see Richard J. Foster’s list of spiritual disciplines, or read Igantius of Loyola’s rules, or Dallas Willard’s writing. Suppose you try to follow these perfectly.

Then imagine yourself in a state of frenzy caused by missing one of the rules or falling short on worship or service or reading. And you feel bad. The fruit of the spirit are missing in your life even though you are trying so hard.

Quit.

The child is sick. The boss calls an impromptu meeting. A sudden travel requirement pops up. You can’t get in all the study, meditating, service, prayer today. 

That’s OK. It happens. Just don’t let it become a habit. We can’t be perfect.

Like the writer about nutrition above says. You can’t always get 100% weeks. Just don’t have any 0% weeks.

The first management conference I attended many years ago featured a productivity consultant. His mantra? Try Easy.

Look Inside For Causes

September 11, 2023

So instead of loving what you think is peace, love other men and love God above all. And instead of hating the people you think are warmers, hate the appetites and the disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war. If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed–but hate these things in yourself, not in another.

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Oh, how easy it is to look at others and judge. How difficult to look within and see all the evil residing therein.

Somewhere inside we need a pause button. Like before we speak. Probably every time.

We look at someone and a story about them comes to mind. Usually not a good story. We think the worst.

Maybe if we hit that pause button and then ask a conversation starting (not ending!) question and actually listen. Maybe by listening we hear a story. Almost always that story will change the opinion. We discover people who are hurting just like us (who won’t admit it).

Maybe there is grief in the family. There are many kinds. They hurt.

Maybe they just feel left out. All they needed was someone to greet them and listen to them.

Maybe a recent diagnosis–theirs or family or friend–is weighing on them.

Maybe we pray for peace and justice, but even there we need that pause button and look inside at our attitudes towards other–maybe fear based on our own insecurities, maybe dislike merging with hatred of someone different, maybe rooting for war somewhere.

Pause and look inside. I know. I have. There’s no perfection there. Work remains to be done.

Christ Living In Us

September 5, 2023

Thomas Merton expressed what I’ve tried to say for years. “For Christianity is not merely a doctrine or a system of beliefs. It is Christ living in us and uniting men to one another in His own Life and unity.” (New Seeds of Contemplation)

One can tell, often at first meeting, whether the other person is filled with the spirit or filled with other stuff. Except for the gullible among us (which at times can be all of us), we have a built-in BS detector. There exists occasional charlatans who manage to defeat that detector in some or many of us. 

I’m more concerned with me. And you. Not that we can detect when people are false and manipulating us. No, it’s more that we develop the practices that bring the spirit of God within us. And we can express that spirit through the kind of service that brings people together.

The easy path leads to spouting off words designed to set us apart. Designed to provoke emotions in the other.

The harder path is to express the spirit living within that brings healing and unity and joy to others.

Two Kinds of Disciples

August 30, 2023

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Jesus’s last instructions to his disciples. They can believe what he told them. They need to go and do. And they can rest assured in his continual presence.

I am a contemplative. I have found sitting in meditation life changing. Did Jesus tell me (through them) to sit in meditation? No.

I love to study. Learning has been a lifelong joy. Did Jesus tell me to learn more? No. Well, not exactly. There is the teaching part. That is the last part of the instructions.

There are two kinds of disciples. One knows and can explain. One lives out the instructions in everyday life.

Meditating may center me. Learning may enrich me. But, Jesus requires more out of me (and you). 

The first instruction is Go—into all nations.

Next is Make—disciples. (Not people who agree with my particular theology, but disciples, followers, learners.)

Next is Baptizing.

Next is Teaching—everything he has commanded.

There are two kinds of disciples—those who think and those who do. Jesus preferred the doers.

Go Take a Hike

August 29, 2023

I don’t know if that phrase continues to be used in the sense of “I don’t want to hear any more stuff from you.”

That is actually great advice.

Yesterday I wrote about how sleep and fitness allow us to maintain mental focus while we are getting tired. The tradition in Yoga maintains it was developed to give spiritual seekers the strength and stamina to sit in meditation for longer periods of time.

One easy way for most of us is to get out of the chair and walk. (I realize that some people cannot walk. I have no advice in that case.) The 10,000 step “rule” was a made-up number. 5,000 works. 7,000 is good. Benefits seem to peak about 8,000 steps. I throw all those numbers out to perhaps get you over obsessing about a number. 

Get some steps.

Take a break a few times a day getting out of the chair to walk around. Even if it’s just around the house or the office building. 500 steps here and another 500 there begin to add up.

Add a backpack with some weight. It’s called rucking. Maybe not going as far as fast, this added resistance adds strengthening to the walk.

My daughter and her husband have a discipline of going to a forest preserve or natural park to hike for a couple of hours every Saturday. Something a little more strenuous than a walk around the block.

Being out in nature is an added benefit with walking. I take in the sunrises and birds, the occasional otter or muskrat. Sometimes a coyote returning after a night’s foraging. Exercise for body, mind, soul.

Oh, go take a hike!