Posts Tagged ‘Relationship’

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I Confess

August 24, 2015

We were taught as children that God is always watching us. Well, we were also taught that Santa Claus was always watching us, too. And both knew when we were naughty.

The writer of Hebrews, a document in the New Testament, talked about a great cloud of witnesses.

Worse than all of those–the Internet is watching you. The Web knows when you’ve been naughty. And it stores that data. The story is that they store it so that they can serve ads to you that are relevant to your wants. But, who knows what nefarious use could be made from all that knowledge about you?

I confess–that I am not scrambling to do damage control. I don’t have to go to my wife and explain why my name got linked to a Website that is designed for married men and women to “hook up” for casual sex.

I have never seen the Ashley Madison (no link provided) Website. I’ve seen ads. I’ve seen stories about it and its competitors. But I confess, I never clicked. For those who do not follow technology, the Ashley Madison Website was “hacked”, that is, broken into. And the “hackers”, aka thieves, downloaded the customer list including names and email addresses. If you enrolled at that site, soon the whole world will know.

I don’t write about technology on this blog. However, there is a spiritual discipline point to talking about technology.

For whatever reason some (many?) married men and women feel a deep need for sexual encounters. There seem to be many reasons for this. I’m not going to delve into psychology. But for more information, check out the first 9 chapters of Proverbs.

God knows what you do. He knows what’s in your heart. But if you want to do immediate relationship damage, register your email on these hook up or porn sites. When (not if) they are hacked and emails are released, the words of Desi Arnaz will come back to haunt you, ‘Lucy, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.”

The damage between you and God is already done. Better restore that relationship soon.

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They Made Their Own Rules

August 11, 2015

Ever play games with children?

They are always making up rules. Often they change the rules arbitrarily. They change the rules to put themselves at an advantage.

Thoughts of this behaviour came to mind as I was meditating on Romans 10. “For being ignorant of the righteousness that comes from God, and seeking to establish their own, they have not submitted to God’s righteousness.”

At the time Paul wrote this, Jewish religious leaders and teachers had managed to take ten commandments of God and turn them into an incredibly complex set of rules designed to put them at an advantage. They could then condemn others for not following all the rules.

Jesus blasted that idea. He taught that what is most important is what’s in your heart. If your heart is in a right relationship with God, you’ll do what’s right. Trying to live by following a rigid set of rules leads to a life of slavery or hopelessness. It also leads to a life of comparison. It breeds the “I’m better than you, and you’re going to hell” <snicker>. 

Andy Stanley’s current Your Move series is titled Christian. The premise is that since “Christian” is not defined in the Bible, you can make it whatever you wish. But the word Jesus used, disciple, is a word easily defined.

Beyond that, Stanley has been asking, “Do you know any angry, judgemental Christians who seem to derive pleasure by thinking you’re going to hell”?

Of course, the answer is Yes.

The Roman Catholic church has tons of rules. Each protestant denomination seems to have its own set of rules different, of course, from anyone else’s set of rules. Everyone make up rules.

Even today.

Even while saying they are following the guy who said to worry about the condition of your heart first.

Back to Paul. They made their own set of rules, just like children do. And they lost.

It’s not rules, it’s relationship.

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I Too Am A Sinner

June 29, 2015

Reading my Facebook “news” stream is a trip into a world of bitterness, hate, and cynicism.

Not everyone, of course, is this way. But most of the Americans are. Interestingly none of my European, Middle Eastern, or Latin American friends.

The attitude I continually perceive is “I’m right, and you’re wrong.” 

Reading in the sayings of the Desert Fathers, those early Christians (not all men, by the way) who dedicated their lives to the pursuit of living holy lives continually aware of how they fell short. The communities sprang up in the late 100s and survived until the 400s AD (or CE to the modern historians).

Their sayings should be read annually along with Proverbs to remind us of how to live.

It is said that a priest ordered a brother who sinned to leave the community. Abbot Bessarian also got up to leave, saying “I, too, am a sinner.”

When a brother praised another brother to Abbot Poeman saying he hated evil, the Abbot asked what he meant by hating sin. Confused, the brother asked for guidance. “That man hates evil who hates his own sins, and looks upon every brother as a saint and loves him as a saint.”

Someone posting such negative things will back down when called out on it. But calling people out for their hypocrisy is the job of a prophet. Prophets are usually killed. 

When we find we have this spirit of bitterness, hate, cynicism, or self-righteousness, we need to be open to the correction of the spirit who will remind us that we, too, are sinners. In a perfect world, none of us is perfect.

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Conversation With God

May 26, 2015

I sit and try to meditate opening up myself to an experience with God. My thoughts distract me. 

I refocus, breathe deeply and regularly. Focus on God (I repeat the word to maintain my focus). My thoughts distract me.

Eventually I think, “I’m having the same thoughts. They keep repeating on me.”

That’s when it finally dawns on me–maybe, just maybe, God is trying to tell me something. Perhaps I’d better explore those thoughts. Maybe he’s telling me to do something. Or call someone. Or prepare for an adventure.

Mostly, we are not taught to pray. Or, we are taught in the way of prayer during a church service, or the beginning of a class, or grace for meal. It is us talking, usually aloud, to God. We’re usually asking for something. Or complaining about something. Or ordering him around to get him to do what we want him to do.

But what if we listened?

There are people I have met who believe that God doesn’t talk anymore. It may have happened to Elijah. Maybe to Jesus. Maybe even to Paul. But, not anymore.

I feel sorry for those people. What is it that they are missing out on because they have not paused and listened.

What does God want from us in prayer? What he wants in general–a relationship. When you converse with someone with whom you’re in a relationship–unless you’re a complete narcissist–you expect the other to listen to you and you listen to them. That would be a conversation.

What will it be like when God says, “I’ve been telling you that for years!”

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What Is God Like?

April 21, 2015

“He is an old man with a long, white beard.”

“He is angry, vengeful, and if we don’t do the right things to satisfy him, we’ll go to Hell.”

“He is so full of love that he blesses everything and everybody.”

“She is the creator giving birth to the universe.”

“He constructed the universe and developed all the physical laws that run it.”

None of these, of course, can be found in the Bible without the use of much imagination. Jesus said Father. John said spirit and love.

The old man and many other myths come from the Middle Ages and its particular blend of fears and incorporation of pagan ideas into Christianity.

We must be mindful of how we come to God.

If our emotions rule us, they will construct a God in the image of whatever prevalent emotion we may have: fear, sympathy, love, disinterest.

If our intellect rules us, it will construct a God of distance, impersonal, giver of physical and other laws.

We work out our relationship with God bringing our whole self before the Father pleading for wholeness in our mind, body, soul. We move, as Paul put it, away from childish ideas about God. 

As in all relationships, this relationship grows over time. We discover more and more about each other. We grow closer, then more distant. We correct each other (well, maybe we don’t correct God, but we certainly try, don’t we).

Take care what rules us. Every morning ask for God to rule our emotions, thoughts, and actions during the coming day.

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Practice Active Listening

January 12, 2015

We are in a series of practices to start off your 2015 and deepen your spiritual and relational experiences.

Today, let’s consider listening.

“When you listen, listen completely. Most people don’t listen,” said Mark Twain.

“You can hear a lot just by listening,” Yogi Berra added.

When you are in a conversation, what are you doing?

Most people are thinking about what they are going to say when there is a pause. Or they are talking over the other person. Arguing, even.

When you are at a conference or in church listening to the message, what are you thinking? Dozing off?

We need to engage with the speaker. The practice is active listening. The first thing is where you’re looking. Focus your eyes on the speaker. What is the posture, eye contact (or lack), gesture? Communication is a “full-contact” sport.

In a personal conversation, focus on an eye. If there is much ambient noise, I alternate focus on eyes and mouth so that I can “see” the words coming, too. I’m listening to the person with all my senses.

Rather than trying to come up with a better story, try to think of questions to draw out more information and engagement.

In a large setting, take notes. You may never refer to the notes again. The very act of note taking, though, keeps you alert and focusing on the speaker.

For 2015, let’s develop our active listening skill.

 

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Failure To Communicate

September 4, 2014

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw.

Ever tell your child to do something and it doesn’t happen? “Well, I thought you said…,” was the reply.

What about miscommunication with spouse or significant other? You thought you said….

I write to international audiences. In fact, this blog has readers in England, Ireland, Germany, India, China, Australia, Italy and more. Even in the English-speaking countries, there are nuances in the language that could change meaning.

I just finished a column that will be published in an Italian manufacturing magazine. Educated Europeans have been taught English. But it’s British English. I think about that when I write. Many know American colloquialisms, but I don’t want to assume that knowledge. I choose words very carefully.

The worst thing in a conversation, whether personal or in a meeting or wherever, is that you think the other person or people understood you. It is best to consider your words. It also good to ask questions to confirm understanding.

It is so easy to cause unnecessary conflict and hurt when your communication goes through a filter on the other end that changes your meaning into something else.

Above all else, strive for clarity in your communications.

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Sometimes Talking With Someone Is Better

August 20, 2014

John, writing some advice to his church in his second letter, concludes by saying, “There is much I have to write to you, but I would rather not use pen and ink.”

Sometimes talking is better. Today we use electrons flowing through a wire and projected upon a screen rather than the much simpler pen and ink. And that is often worse than any other means. How often have we written hurriedly about some random emotion, pressed “send”, and then lived to regret it? For me–way too often.

I was just on the receiving end of one of those emotional tirades. No thinking through the implications or the reality of the situation. Just a reaction based upon half-truths and then a reputation shot by hitting send.

The appropriate response is to use John as a guide–speak truth in love in person not with pen and ink (or electrons on a screen).

This is not my forte. I can present a speech. I can get by a little with idle chit-chat. But that is difficult. When I was young, I must have been somewhere on the autistic spectrum or something. I wanted to relate, but I couldn’t. Outside of a brief period in adolescence when I was argumentative, I was usually silent. The upside is that people thought I was smart. I remember in my second year of college that I could go entire days without ever speaking a word.

Confrontation is not within my comfort zone.

Recently I was in a situation with a guy who evidently loves argument. He’d get all mad and red-faced. Somehow mentally I’d step back and look at a bigger picture and see it didn’t matter in the long run.

But now there is a situation that the only way to handle is to speak the truth in love. That means confronting my own fears and realizing that I probably won’t be loved in return. But Henry Cloud, author and psychologist, would call that growing up.

Do we know when and how to confront others and when mere argument is just worthless exercise?

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You Teach Others How To Treat You

June 20, 2014

It was a rude introduction to college life. Band camp at a major university. We were away at some state park. Assigned to cabins. The drum major was in this cabin. Upper class. Arrogant. Assertive.

He was a quiet trumpeter. Freshman. The drum major instantly, probably instinctively, started picking on him. I’ll never figure out what it was that attracted the wrath of the leader. But life was miserable for that guy.

I was a quiet kid, too. Just glad that they ignored me.

Some people just seem to attract that sort of behavior toward them. It’s like they are born with a “kick me” sign on their back. Other people can walk into a room and instantly attract positive responses.

Browsing through my reading lists the other day, I ran across this phrase, “You teach others how to treat you.”

Maybe that drum major was just a bully. Preying on weaker people. But often we invite the treatment we get. Someone says something and we don’t stand up for ourselves. Or we overreact. Or we come across as aggressive and invite aggressive responses.

It is said that you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. How you think of yourself influences how others treat you. Holding strong core beliefs and ethics is a start. Thinking of others continues the process. A smile and firm greeting works wonders.

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A Little Good Leadership Pays Dividends

June 16, 2014

A friend recently posted on Facebook a note about how hard it is to be a teacher these days. Public education has become so political that education policy is driven by the latest whim. Everyone is critical of teachers, yet very few know anything about what really goes on in the classroom. Yes, we’ve all been students. But things are always different on the other side of the desk.

During my time on the local school board, I discovered that programs were faddish that everyone was trying to find the latest nirvanna yet neglecting the fundamentals of good instruction. Management was also sorely lacking. Leadership was often nonexistent. Control was the keyword—teachers were expected to control classrooms, principals to control teachers (and parents), superintendents to control principals (and parents and school board members).

Principals would complain that they couldn’t fire incompetent teachers because of contracts and tenure. Nonsense, we replied (a board composed of business managers and leaders). There are procedures. Follow them. Observe, document, offer corrective suggestions, terminate if no improvement is observed. It was possible in 1985, it’s possible today. It’s work, but it is the work principals are expected to do.

This applies not only to teachers, but everywhere.

But this all implies inheriting problems. If you can develop an area with your own hires, you can avoid these problems with astute hiring (finding motivated, adaptable people) and team building. Inspiring a team to work together is a great experience. I’ve had the opportunity to do that a few times. Watching people grow and succeed is among the most satisfying experiences you can have.

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