Posts Tagged ‘focus’

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Recognizing The Emotions In Others

August 8, 2013

Have you ever thought about buying a car? You drove to a dealership of a brand you think you might like. You walk over to the line of cars and start looking around.

Then–a salesperson approaches. Big smile. Looking for a car? He breaks the ice. Then he proceeds to tell you all the features of the car and the price, which is only $X.

How do you feel?

A few times in my business career I have been in sales. For the past 15 years or so, I go along on sales calls to provide technical support or perhaps be that person who describes all the features. In fact, only recently I was on another sales call. Many times I have been shocked to watch the interaction and see that the salesperson has never taken the time to know the person we are meeting with and what her needs are.

Or sometimes even watch the prospect. I left a sales meeting one time with a top sales person and told him, “He’s ready to buy.” My friend was shocked. “What?” I said, “Didn’t you watch him while you were talking? He stopped being preoccupied. He asked questions assuming he was already installing the product on his machine. And many other buying signals.”

Observe the other person

These sales people are not unlike us. We are more interested in what we are saying than we are in the other person. But the fourth step of gaining emotional intelligence is recognizing the emotions in others.

One must be very careful here. It is far too easy to miss an emotion. Maybe the anger masks insecurity. And maybe we try to psychoanalyze. We must be observant. Turn the focus on the other person (not on us). Ask, “What’s up?” Then, listen.

  • Watch (observe) the other person
  • Ask questions in a friendly manner (not like a lawyer cross-examining)
  • Listen (really listen) to what they say verbally and physically
  • Paraphrase back to show you were listening and to validate their worth

I am still amazed at how many people are mostly focused upon themselves. Most are good people. They don’t realize it. They may even think that they are focused on the other. But they’re not.

Try it. You’ll learn a lot. And maybe make some new friends.

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Radical Listening

August 2, 2013

Earlier this week, I shared this quote at the end of my Yoga class from Ernest Hemingway, “When people talk, listen completely. Most people don’t listen.”

I’ve written before about listening. I think it’s overlooked as a spiritual discipline. It’s definitely overlooked as a relationship builder and as a learning tool.

So, I look for ideas about listening wherever I can find them. Here, Taylor Jacobson, a career coach, wrote on the Website Goodlife Zen (go figure for the title) about Radical Listening.

Here are his seven techniques. These are not new to me, but it’s always good to see things in a new way, or on a new list. I have used all of these, and they work. Try some out today and visit the Website for his complete descriptions.

1. Take notes.

Active listening techniques like nodding, eye contact and affirming sounds are great, but we’re good at faking these. Taking notes is harder because it requires us to synthesize. This process gets us present and aids the learning process, even if we never look at our notes.

2. Paraphrase.

Attention inevitably slips. A great technique to combat a lapse is to paraphrase. “I’m not sure I got that exactly. Did you mean … ?” When you’re committed to listening, try to resist the temptation to contribute your own thoughts, and paraphrase instead. You’ll find yourself listening more closely, if only to avoid looking foolish.

3. Ask for repetition.

If you’re feeling extra courageous, an act of great respect and mindfulness is to simply acknowledge when an attention lapse happens. Asking for repetition can act as a bridge to greater attention, since noticing that your attention has lapsed is an act of presence in itself.

4. Ask probing questions.

One of the oldest tricks in the book, and still one of the best. You can trick yourself into listening more closely by watching for opportunities to probe. Just remember, don’t fake it – the best questions are genuine ones.

5. Validate.

Phrases like “thank you for saying that …”, “I like what you said about ….” and “That makes sense because …” force you to pay attention and also demonstrate a high level of engagement.

6. Provide buffer time.

Your ability to listen depends to some extent on your environment. One of the simplest ways you can promote a positive listening environment is to allow plenty of buffer time. This allows you to put your phone away and direct all of your attention to the person and matters at hand.

7. Go slow, pause and breathe.

Remember that for every word you choose not to speak, you create another opportunity to listen. Pick your spots to speak more carefully and learn to say less by going slowly, pausing and breathing.

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You Get What You Create or What You Allow

August 1, 2013

I’ve been contemplating on Henry Cloud’s latest book, Boundaries for Leaders. There is a lot of research in that book. And a lot of wisdom.

At one point, he says, “Leaders will get a combination of what they create and what they allow.”

I thought, wow, this applies in so many areas.

Take raising children. Do we create an environment and expectations for them to grow and succeed? Or, do we allow them to do whatever whim comes along? Or, a combination–we create certain structures and allow other things?

Leaders in organizations do this. Same types of questions. Do we create an environment, expectations and structures for people (and the organization) to grow and succeed? Or, do we permit too much such that vision is lost, ethics are cast aside, and the whole organization crashes?

What about our personal life? We lead in that, too–I hope. Do we create structures and expectations in our own lives such that we grow and succeed? We have access to writings on the Spiritual Disciplines. These have been thought out and written so that we have a guide toward establishing the proper Spiritual structure in our daily lives so that we continue to grow in Spiritual maturity.

Attention is key

Then Cloud hits on one of my pet ideas–attention. “Brain researchers say that ‘attention’ is like a magic key that unlocks higher-order brain circuitry. ”

We must place our attention on the things we wish to create in our leadership and our lives. Then we do things with intention, that is, on purpose. Consciously. Things don’t “just happen.” We cause things to happen and construct structures to create opportunities to succeed.

By the way, the link to Amazon is not an affiliate link. I recommend so many books, I probably should sign up for affiliate status. I bet I could add $10 or so to my income 😉 And I certainly recommend this book. And if you’ve never read Cloud, try his other books. They are all excellent.

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Sometimes We Try Too Hard

July 31, 2013

Part of my daily routine is a morning workout. Most of the time, that includes a run in the park. Now, I’m not a distance runner. Never have been. I run daily to maintain a level of fitness. I prefer running while refereeing soccer.

When I referee, I don’t notice the running. My mind is on the match. I’m running to get into position for the next action. Or maybe to calm down some injured egos. When I run my usual 5K plus route, I only have my podcast and the end in mind.

So, I think about making it back to the car. And instead of just running at a smooth, relaxed pace, I find myself tensed up trying to make it to the finish. Some days, I find it quite difficult to concentrate on slowing my mind and just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes the spiritual life can be the same. We’re trying too hard to be the final product of spiritual development–fully mature in the spirit. But life isn’t like that. It’s a long journey where we just put one foot in front of the other–all day, every day.

Then we look back occasionally and think, “Wow, I’ve really changed.”

This becomes practical in another sense. Maybe it’s your leadership–in church, your organization, your family. You try too hard to be the finished product. You get frustrated because things are not going as well as you picture it in your mind. You’re frustrated when the goal looks so far away.

I have this when I’m working on a number of projects and the load looks overwhelming. Then I just step back, take a deep breath, and then begin tackling things one task at a time. And soon, I’m done–and feeling much better.

The first motivational speaker I ever heard at a management conference professed the mantra, “Try easy.” That phrase has stuck with me for 35 years. It’s still relevant. Let’s not get ourselves all worked up over some day in the future. Let’s just take one step at a time toward our goal.

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Peace and Strength

July 29, 2013

Peace

Our six-year-old grandson is visiting–his first time alone with us. Somehow he and his grandma got into a conversation of peace. “What’s peace?” he asked. “The absence of conflict–when there is no war,” she replied.

That is certainly one definition of peace. But contrast to another conversation during a small study group of adult men. We are studying a book, “Not a Fan: Becoming a completely committed follower of Jesus” by Kyle Idleman. The subject of inner peace came up. Someone said, “Inner peace will see you through the bad times.

Peace can actually be sort of like an action verb. Not something defined by what is missing (absence of conflict). It is actually something that can be practiced. It is part of living with God (or Jesus, or the Spirit–as far as I’m concerned it’s all the same thing). It’s something that comes along for the ride when you practice the Spiritual Disciplines of study, meditation, prayer, worship, celebration and so forth.<br>

But when someone mentioned that it is a force that will see you through tough times, I immediately thought about strength. There must be a relationship between the two.

Strength

We think of personal strength as muscle force–or in my case lack of. But another way of looking at strength is that resolve that keeps you going through adversity.

Someone who battles cancer and emerges a victor we call strong. Someone who can hold onto their moral values in the face of a group that wants to do something against those values we call strong. Someone who can face any enemy–illness, opponent in conflict, a bully, a nasty boss, whatever–with calm and resolve, we call strong.

Work together

I believe that Eastern martial arts teach that you need that inner peace and calmness to fight well. Your mind must be calm. You have practiced sufficiently that you are confident in your muscle responses. You have absolute focus in the moment and on your opponent.

Paul often used sports analogies. I think he would have thought the same thing when he described the inner peace that comes from being at one with God (or God living in you). God works with your strengths that you might even not realize you have.

I think there is a Bill Gaither song that goes, “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.” Paul would have like that. That’s what he did. And that’s what he intended for us to do.

 

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My Security Lies in Jesus

July 22, 2013

I’m still thinking about fears, worries. Although I try to capture a personal theme from the mascot of Mad magazine (I have not read it for years, but it was one of my favorites as an adolescent), Alfred E. Neuman, who said, “What!? Me worry?”

As an aside, we think American politics are bad now–good ol’ Alfred garnered several votes for President in 1968.

It is oh, so, predictable that race is part of the discussion of the whole Zimmerman affair. Conservatives seem to try to downplay race. Liberals seem to play it up. I keep returning to the words of Martin Luther King and wish we could move beyond race.

Unfortunately, we cannot. I think that this is not only an American problem.

Race remains an underlying tension. Many black men have told me about hearing car door locks being activated as they cross the street. I recently heard about a conversation at a gathering of “respectable, white, Christian” ladies where they quite frankly ascribed bad qualities to black people as an entity all the while disclaiming “I am not a racist.” Sorry, they are.

For black people, then, the issue becomes personal. Many have experienced the slights and innuendos. For most of us “white” people, the issue is theoretical. I wish it would go away, but it lingers.

Fear for your life had to be prevalent in Jesus’ time. He took as subjects for his stories things that people would readily understand. When he told the story of the Good Samaritan, there did not seem to be a reaction about the violence of the robbers. They all traveled from city to city in groups for protection. At the end of the Gospels, we learn that Peter carried a sword. Nothing is made of that simple fact–only in his use of it. I guess they needed some protection at times.

Jesus taught us that security really comes through Him and life in the Spirit.

For some reason in all our discussions in public life and private devotions, we keep losing our focus on the real source of life and security. Paul writing in Galatians further told us that if we are free in Jesus’ grace, why slip back into the old life of rules and worry.

Indeed.

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Worry is a form of useless fear

July 19, 2013

Had a conversation yesterday that send my mind on a time trip remembering my mother. She was a worrier. I think she worried herself to death.

The guy who “styled” my hair back in the 70s told me, “I’m a worrier. All of us German immigrants are. It’s part of the genes.”

Worry is the fear of what might happen.

Most things that might happen, never do. Some things that happen, you have no control over. Rationally, there is little reason for worry.

But most of us do.

This goes along with yesterday’s meditation on fear.

We fear so many things. We worry about much.

Jesus said, why worry?

I was a child of my mother. But I changed. I seldom worry now. Just like I’ve conquered about 98% of my fearfulness.

How?

  • Deliberately choose something else to think about
  • Start to work on a project
  • If in the middle of the night, either set imagination on another topic–or–get up and read the Bible, a good novel, your Mandarin Chinese lesson
  • Work though the one think among your worries that you can control and develop a project list of tasks to cover it.

Viktor Frankl, psychologist, developer of Logotherapy, survivor of a Nazi concentration camp, discovered it for himself, “The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose my attitude in the face of uncertain circumstances.”

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Sickness of the soul

February 24, 2011

Do we talk much about the soul anymore? After 90 years of “scientific psychology” (psychology was once called the “science of the soul”), have we tried to limit our discussions to physically observable phenomena?

The soul — if I may attempt a very brief description — is that part of a person that lives within our physical being, drives our personality, unites with or rebels from God, and lives forever. The care and feeding of the soul is probably our single most important task in life.

As I continue to read through Julian of Norwich, this passage jumped out at me this morning

God showed two kinds of sickness of the soul that we have:

-the one is impatience or sloth

-the other is despair or doubtful fear

I’m not sure which would be more prevalent for us today. We certainly want instantaneous results. Evidently people 600 years ago did, too. But I have to believe in this electronic age that we are even more impatient. And if we can’t get results right away (without working for them I might add), then we don’t want to bother working for them.

A woman I knew once was hiring young people for entry-level marketing positions. She was amazed. These young people would say “OK, I’ll do this for a year or so, but I expect to become CEO of this large company after a couple of years.” They didn’t understand the work and sacrifice it takes to be CEO–or to just improve as human beings.

Then there is the sickness of whining. “I can’t do it. Mom liked you better. I was never good enough.” These people are diverted from seeking God (remember her “seek, wait, trust”?).

She said later that it was easier to know God than to know ourselves. Unfortunately, the first step to healing these sicknesses, if you have one, is to be able to look at yourself, recognize the sickness and then work to heal it. Here’s a tip. If something is getting in the way of your prayer, study or fellowship life, then it is time to find that obstacle and work on it.

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Stay Pure Guard Against Infiltrators

February 15, 2011

Do you ever watch what things and emotions and thoughts insinuate themselves into your life? Sometimes much time has passed before you realize that some thought or obsession has taken control over you. God called this activity prostitution in the Old Testament. He was always complaining that the Hebrews were prostituting themselves.

When they entered into the “Promised Land,” God told them to wipe it clean of other people. He knew the weakness of a man for a woman. And He knew that women are typically the bearers and pro-creators of culture. Therefore, He knew that if the Hebrew men had access to the women of other tribes, they would begin to marry them. The women in turn would bring their gods and culture into the house.

And, sure enough, it happened. Time after time. The men never learned (OK, I can hear all the women reading this…). So God even sent “crazy” guys, like Hosea who married a prostitute then tried to make her an honest woman symbolizing God’s “marrying” the Hebrews in their prostitution and trying to make them pure God-followers.

It didn’t work. The people didn’t listen to Hosea at the time and followed their prostitution into destruction. First the end of the Northern Kingdom of Israel, then the Southern Kingdom of Judah. Pffft. Gone.

So, what “foreign gods” have you prostituted yourself with? Pride? Envy? Obsession with sex, alcohol, drugs, TV? What diverts your attention away from God? Recognize it and prune it. Seek help from a friend or counselor if need be.

If you love someone, you pay attention to them–that is, you give them your attention. To live with-God, pay attention to Him. Don’t let the outsiders in.

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Waiting on God’s Arrival

February 7, 2011

“The second is that we await Him steadfastly because of His love, without grumbling or struggling against Him, until our life’s end.” Julian of Norwich’s second teaching.

This sounds almost like a paradox of the first teaching. Look at the verbs. The first is to seek. The second is to wait. The first is active, the second sounds as if it is passive. But I don’t think that is the meaning. Waiting is an active verb, too.

Imagine a hunter in the woods and meadows. He is seeking his prey. That means he has determined what his prey will be (deer, elk, pheasant, rabbits, whatever). He goes to an area where that prey is known to live. He looks for the right habitat and finds the most likely places to find his prey. That is similar to the seeking that Julian taught in her first saying. Go out and look for God in places where you would expect Him to be living.

Then, you must wait. But in waiting is the anticipation of finding your prey. All of your senses are at work. Do you see anything? Hear anything? Smell anything? Taste? Feel? And your emotional “senses” must also be tuned into what you are waiting on.

Waiting is active, but it is also tiring. It may get cold. You may get uncomfortable. You may get discouraged. Will the prey every show? Is it all in vain?

If so, do not grumble and complain. Maintain your vigilance. It is tiring to be always on alert, but you must carry on. And Julian says that you must maintain that state of watchful waiting until the end of your life. You never know when God may speak to you again. You must be ready. You must be receptive.

When you wait, be vigilant.

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