Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category

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Description or Relationship?

November 11, 2025

Last week I asked how we picture God when we hear the name.

The lector read from Haggai last Sunday. I was struck by the reverence the Hebrews had for the name they used when referring to God. Of course, they never wrote or spoke God’s actual name. They held that word sacred. One would abbreviate it when writing and never pronounce it. 

Not like us today. We throw the name, God, around like bouncing a  pickleball back and forth. Even I’m guilty of loosely using the word as an expletive, as in OMG.

Christians like to use the word “Father”, since that was the term used in Christian scripture.

As a descriptive term, that can leave many of us lacking. Maybe we didn’t know a father in our life. Hard to raise much of a picture in our minds lacking experience. Maybe we had a rocky relationship with a father. Perhaps he was distant, gone, or even abusive. That hardly conjures a welcoming picture.

I notice that often when Jesus refers to “Father,” he talks about his relationship to God. The New Testament writers often refer to “God” as “Spirit” (descriptive, not The Holy Spirit). As in, God is spirit; worship him in spirit and truth.

Passages that take our relationship with God extending it to our relationship to others of God’s children have inspired my thinking. Thinking of my core values of peace and justice, I relate those as relational—we try to extend God’s grace and love and justice to others. Sounds like the sort of life that someone trying to be a Follower of Jesus would strive for.

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Posted in Relationship, spirit | Leave a Comment »

Christian Community

November 6, 2025

We moved during the pandemic shutdown (remember those days?).

We thought we’d try out a smaller campus of a megachurch. We settled into church at home. We tried a couple small groups. Those flared and burned out. A gathering of “seniors” followed. No follow up. Nothing happened.

Where was community? Reading Acts reveals the story of the vibrancy of small communities of followers of The Way.

More than 20 years ago, the man who started Red Herring magazine chronicling the burgeoning tech scene, started a  new media company on the Web called Always On. The theory was we are going to be always on—the Internet. He was too early. It folded. A few years later, Steve Jobs introduced the iPhone. Everything changed. We are Always On.

Online worship allows people to stay in touch who would otherwise be completely isolated.

Thinking out loud, yet again.

Can being online replace being in community? Did Facebook replace seeing friends? How about the devolution through Instagram to TicTok? 

Is being online just being in our own head? Still isolated from people?

Sounds like a dynamic tension to me. 

How about your experience?

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Posted in Relationship, Worship | Leave a Comment »

Transactional or Relational

September 16, 2025

How do you interact with others?

Some people are transactional. They may be sales or management professionals. They may just be looking for something from others.

Some people are relational. They seek a deeper connection with others. Varying degrees of deep, of course. But something longer lasting.

Posted in Attitude, Relationship | Leave a Comment »

Chasing The Wrong Thing

August 19, 2025

A study found in The Pump Club newsletter, Researchers examined 105 studies, including more than 70,000 people. Their goal was to test whether the psychological and physical wellness costs of chasing external rewards were universal, and the results were surprisingly consistent. Individuals who strongly pursued extrinsic aspirations (such as financial success or popularity) reported lower subjective well-being, less vitality, and more symptoms of anxiety and depression. The effects weren’t minor, either. Across the board, extrinsic goal orientation resulted in reduced well-being. In fact, the effect size was similar regardless of nationality, age, or gender, suggesting this isn’t a culture-specific issue — it’s a human one. On the flip side, people who prioritized intrinsic goals — like personal growth, relationships, and community — consistently showed higher life satisfaction, fewer depressive symptoms, and better overall health behaviors.

It’s like Jesus told us over and over—trying to be successful trying to chase after stuff or trying to simply follow the religious law was a journey to death. The journey to life led through getting right with God and serving others by becoming aware of their needs. Be others-focused. Chasing stuff is like a dog chasing its tail.

Posted in Habits, Relationship, Service | Leave a Comment »

Words Matter

July 31, 2025

While on vacation in Scotland last week, I saw news that crossed my technology professional side regarding Artificial Intelligence with my spiritual formation professional side about being able to say any hateful thing without repercussion. (I really don’t know the whole “woke/anti-woke” non-debate. I really don’t want to know! Being me, I would probably not endorse either camp.)

When politicians speak, I use a translator like the Babel fish in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Some people call it a BS filter. That’s a little different. I use that often listening to marketing people.

But something I do know—because of long, hard, bitter experience. Words matter.

Used properly they build up, heal, guide. Otherwise they spread hate, hurt people, demotivate.

It’s easier to slow down and choose the right ones than it is to try to take the wrong one back.

At least four books have come my way recently about the importance of holding civil conversations with people with whom you may disagree.

Most would go along with my previous post about Be Curious, Not Judgmental. Ask questions and listen—honestly, really, listen. Not to argue. But to understand. It’s not noises in the ear canal. Engage brain, engage heart, focus on the other.

Kindness, care, gentle spirit, accepting (even if not agreeing).

Like the Youngbloods sang in 1967, “Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now.”

[Note: The Babel fish is a small, bright yellow fish, which can be placed in someone’s ear in order for them to be able to hear any language translated into their first language. Ford Prefect puts one in Arthur Dent’s ear at the beginning of the story so that he can hear the Vogon speech.}

Posted in Attitude, Relationship, Wisdom | Leave a Comment »

People Problems

February 28, 2024

My parents taught me no social skills. Sometimes I reflect on my youth and cringe. Now I am an old man and getting better.

Unfortunately, or fortunately in terms of my growth as a human, I’ve placed myself into a variety of leadership and professional roles where some amount of social skills are required.

I’m wrestling with a problem right now that involves several people with widely different views. I need to bring people together to end misunderstandings and focus on our purpose. This problem has consumed far too many emotional and intellectual cycles.

This is hard for an introverted nerd to do. How do I bring out empathy within my thinking and feeling such that I can feel for all sides? 

That question leads to the understanding of just how important a skill that is for us living today. We are as polarized as ever not only in the US but also worldwide. Resistance weight training is a proven tool for improving health and prolonging a better life. 

We need resistance training for our empathy muscle. Of course we are right in everything we think and do…right? Well, maybe others could be right? Maybe when we all come together the melding of ideas leads to better ideas. Maybe when I facilitate bringing people together goals are achieved.

Fifty years ago as a new manager in the department my boss told me, “Your biggest problems will not be technical problems. They will be people problems.” He was so right. If I am going to proclaim my core values as peace and justice, then it must begin with flexing the empathy muscle and bringing people together.

Posted in emotions, Relationship | Leave a Comment »

The Knights of St. John in Rhodes, Greece

February 6, 2024

We toured Rhodes, an island in Greece just off the western shore of Turkey, on our recent vacation. The focus of the tour was a palace/fortress built by the Knights of St. John to protect the island from Ottoman invaders about 1,000 years ago.

We met our tour guide. As we entered the old city:

  • We heard a priest conducting Mass at a Greek Orthodox church;
  • Then walked along nearby synagogue;
  • Passing by a Roman Catholic church,
  • We heard the call to prayer by the local Imam to the Mosque

Noting these different religions, the guide noted, “We have learned to get along together.”

By the way, the St. John in the order’s name is John the Baptist. They were initially a healing order commissioned by the Pope during the first Crusades. They became a military order with soldiers and naval fleets. They still exist today in a different format.

Their healing practice is informative. They carefully screened incoming patients admitting those who would be amenable to their therapy. The assigned an assistant to each patient. The first therapy was sleep. They provided private rooms. At night, they induced opium smoke into the room to help with sleep. The assistant would stand outside the room and whisper positive affirmations through a small window. They would encourage the patients to get up and walk around during the day. Supposedly they had a 100% success rate of healing.

Speaking as someone with a number of health and fitness certifications, I don’t recommend the opium. However, rest, positive affirmations, and exercise as much as one is capable are excellent therapies for many ailments.

Posted in healing, Relationship, Service | Leave a Comment »

You’ve Got To Know When To Hold’em Know When To Fold’em

November 8, 2023

Apologies to Kenny Rogers, but I’ve just finished two books packed with research and advice on growing in our interpersonal relationships. As a socially challenged geek, I need all the help I can get.

One book STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut, Dan Lyons tells us how is overpowering urge to talk almost cost him a relationship with his family when he found himself alone in an apartment. He reflected on a life filled with chatter. He worked on learning to maintain quiet. This is a superpower I wish I had. I can be quiet. If someone brings up a subject with which I’m conversant, I will, er, converse….

I used to tape a little label on my phone case: STFU. It was a reminder that I sometimes heeded.

Of course a good essay needs a compare and contrast (one of my political science professor’s favorite test question). NY Times and The Atlantic columnist and author David Brooks explored how to have significant conversations in order to learn How To Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.

Shall we stop and reflect on our interactions with others? Do we find ourselves talking at someone or talking with someone? Talking with requires that we actually hear the other person. And not only the words that vibrate our hearing system. What are they saying between the lines? What expressions do they hold? What was left out? Posture? Gaze?

I think a teacher of personal growth could take this book and turn it into a meaningful short-term class.

A particularly moving chapter tells the story of the depression and eventual suicide of Brooks’ lifetime friend. How he didn’t even realize the depth of depression. How he didn’t see the suicide coming. His lesson came later as he realized that not being a professional there was nothing he could have done to heal his friend. But he reflected on the many times he could have heard, deeply heard, his friend. That would have been helpful, if not healing.

Compare and contrast? Sometimes you have to be quiet and really listen to the person you’re with.

Posted in Disciplines, Listening, Relationship | Leave a Comment »

Now What?

August 17, 2023

I once shared an office with the president of the county anti-abortion organization. No, I’m not going to debate this issue here. Rather, I asked him:

Now that you have “saved” a baby’s life, Now what?

It is now in a home where most likely the mother is poor and single and the baby is not wanted. Now what?

I don’t know if that question provided the impetus, but the organization did do some things to help mothers.

A friend was focused on “saving” people. I think that meant getting people to say that they “accepted Jesus into their life.” And I asked that friend:

Now what?

Do you just leave that person adrift while you try to add another notch on the belt?

Or, do you develop a relationship that leads the person into experiencing peace, joy, hope, calmness, and so forth? Is it a numbers game? Or a life game?

“I did this.” 

“Now what?”

Posted in Disciplines, Doing, Relationship | Leave a Comment »

Remembrance

May 29, 2023

Today, Monday, is a US national holiday called Memorial Day. When I was quite young, my great-grandmother called it Decoration Day. One of the many changes of terminology that confused me as a youth.

For her, it was a day set aside to visit the family cemeteries and “decorate”, that is place flowers by the grave markers and remember those who lived before us.

The village where I grew up always had a small parade from the water tower where someone spoke to the local cemetery on the outskirts of town (about a mile probably). Those of us in the Boy Scout program would lay flowers on the graves of military veterans (that must have come from the change of Decoration Day to Memorial Day?). I was in the school band later and participated in the event for six years in that role.

I think I’ve not been to a Memorial Day service since I graduated.

But it is probably a good thing to remember and reflect on those who went before—especially those who had a guiding impact on your life. (I’d just as soon forget those who had what we might call a negative impact.) I could take these thoughts from psychology to religious referring to the Biblical Letter to the Hebrews where the writer remembers those who went before forging the path that led to his (her?) life of faith.

And more challenging yet, we could reflect upon the impact we are leaving behind as we journey the path.

(There are many international readers of these thoughts. I suspect you all have special days of remembrance. Use them well.)

Posted in Relationship, Witness | Leave a Comment »

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