Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category

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Statistics Don’t Tell The Whole Story

October 27, 2014

People are always searching for their identity. Check out Facebook–what comic book character are you, what soap opera character are you, and so on. Or they look at statistics to determine their character or future.

I picked this up from the original blog–slashdot. “HughPickens.com writes Randy Olson, a Computer Science grad student who works with data visualizations, writes about seven of the biggest factors that predict what makes for a long term stable marriage in America. Olson took the results of a study that polled thousands of recently married and divorced Americans and and asked them dozens of questions about their marriage (PDF): How long they were dating, how long they were engaged, etc. After running this data through a multivariate model, the authors were able to calculate the factors that best predicted whether a marriage would end in divorce.”

“What struck me about this study is that it basically laid out what makes for a stable marriage in the US,” writes Olson.

  • How long you were dating (Couples who dated 1-2 years before their engagement were 20% less likely to end up divorced than couples who dated less than a year before getting engaged. Couples who dated 3 years or more are 39% less likely to get divorced.);
  • How much money you make (The more money you and your partner make, the less likely you are to ultimately file for divorce. Couples who earn $125K per year are 51% less likely to divorce than couples making 0 — 25k);
  • How often you go to church (Couples who never go to church are 2x more likely to divorce than regular churchgoers.);
  • Your attitude toward your partner (Men are 1.5x more likely to end up divorced when they care more about their partner’s looks, and women are 1.6x more likely to end up divorced when they care more about their partner’s wealth.);
  • How many people attended the wedding (“Crazy enough, your wedding ceremony has a huge impact on the long-term stability of your marriage. Perhaps the biggest factor is how many people attend your wedding: Couples who elope are 12.5x more likely to end up divorced than couples who get married at a wedding with 200+ people.”);
  • How much you spent on the wedding (The more you spend on your wedding, the more likely you’ll end up divorced.);
  • Whether you had a honeymoon (Couples who had a honeymoon are 41% less likely to divorce than those who had no honeymoon).

Well, my wife and I are just over 50/50 on this. Our income has been adequate for most of our marriage. We have always attended church weekly (at least). As far as I know, the attitude one is not applicable. We did take a honeymoon.

However, we dated almost 2 months before we were engaged and only knew each other about 9 months when we were married–with 11 people plus us at the wedding with the wedding dinner at the local family-style restaurant.

So we had about equal odds of being married the 44 years that we have.

I bet there are many others. But for an unfortunate many, these factors played out negatively. It’s probably luck and hard work. But consider these factors as you consider marriage. But don’t just blow everything on a wedding reception and start marriage in a financial hole ;-)f

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Failure To Communicate

September 4, 2014

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw.

Ever tell your child to do something and it doesn’t happen? “Well, I thought you said…,” was the reply.

What about miscommunication with spouse or significant other? You thought you said….

I write to international audiences. In fact, this blog has readers in England, Ireland, Germany, India, China, Australia, Italy and more. Even in the English-speaking countries, there are nuances in the language that could change meaning.

I just finished a column that will be published in an Italian manufacturing magazine. Educated Europeans have been taught English. But it’s British English. I think about that when I write. Many know American colloquialisms, but I don’t want to assume that knowledge. I choose words very carefully.

The worst thing in a conversation, whether personal or in a meeting or wherever, is that you think the other person or people understood you. It is best to consider your words. It also good to ask questions to confirm understanding.

It is so easy to cause unnecessary conflict and hurt when your communication goes through a filter on the other end that changes your meaning into something else.

Above all else, strive for clarity in your communications.

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Sometimes Talking With Someone Is Better

August 20, 2014

John, writing some advice to his church in his second letter, concludes by saying, “There is much I have to write to you, but I would rather not use pen and ink.”

Sometimes talking is better. Today we use electrons flowing through a wire and projected upon a screen rather than the much simpler pen and ink. And that is often worse than any other means. How often have we written hurriedly about some random emotion, pressed “send”, and then lived to regret it? For me–way too often.

I was just on the receiving end of one of those emotional tirades. No thinking through the implications or the reality of the situation. Just a reaction based upon half-truths and then a reputation shot by hitting send.

The appropriate response is to use John as a guide–speak truth in love in person not with pen and ink (or electrons on a screen).

This is not my forte. I can present a speech. I can get by a little with idle chit-chat. But that is difficult. When I was young, I must have been somewhere on the autistic spectrum or something. I wanted to relate, but I couldn’t. Outside of a brief period in adolescence when I was argumentative, I was usually silent. The upside is that people thought I was smart. I remember in my second year of college that I could go entire days without ever speaking a word.

Confrontation is not within my comfort zone.

Recently I was in a situation with a guy who evidently loves argument. He’d get all mad and red-faced. Somehow mentally I’d step back and look at a bigger picture and see it didn’t matter in the long run.

But now there is a situation that the only way to handle is to speak the truth in love. That means confronting my own fears and realizing that I probably won’t be loved in return. But Henry Cloud, author and psychologist, would call that growing up.

Do we know when and how to confront others and when mere argument is just worthless exercise?

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You Teach Others How To Treat You

June 20, 2014

It was a rude introduction to college life. Band camp at a major university. We were away at some state park. Assigned to cabins. The drum major was in this cabin. Upper class. Arrogant. Assertive.

He was a quiet trumpeter. Freshman. The drum major instantly, probably instinctively, started picking on him. I’ll never figure out what it was that attracted the wrath of the leader. But life was miserable for that guy.

I was a quiet kid, too. Just glad that they ignored me.

Some people just seem to attract that sort of behavior toward them. It’s like they are born with a “kick me” sign on their back. Other people can walk into a room and instantly attract positive responses.

Browsing through my reading lists the other day, I ran across this phrase, “You teach others how to treat you.”

Maybe that drum major was just a bully. Preying on weaker people. But often we invite the treatment we get. Someone says something and we don’t stand up for ourselves. Or we overreact. Or we come across as aggressive and invite aggressive responses.

It is said that you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. How you think of yourself influences how others treat you. Holding strong core beliefs and ethics is a start. Thinking of others continues the process. A smile and firm greeting works wonders.

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I Saw It Coming

April 16, 2014

Ever been in a situation where you see the first incident that could lead to a decision, and then continue to observe and watch the situation degenerate into something bad?

I’m reflecting on a call I made in Sunday’s men’s soccer match. Score 3-2. Team with 3 is attacking down at the opponent’s goal. Defender puts his body against the attacker with the ball. That’s the point of decision. The point that really captures my attention. Instead of denying the attacker access to the goal by that means (legal), defender decides to start pushing against the attacker with his body. I could see it coming. He must have moved the attacker five yards. Then the attacker went down.

This is the “moment of truth.” Do I have the courage to make the call? Because of the situation with the two teams and the level of play, I called penalty kick and the score was 4-2 with one minute to play.

But the thing is, I saw it coming. And I waited to see which decision the defender made.

Same thing can happen in our relationships. Have you seen a friend, colleague, or relative find themselves in a situation and then make a small decision? And then another? And another until someone calls Foul? And you said, “I saw it coming.”

I’ve been in too many conversations where the Christians around me are calling Foul on others when they saw it coming.

What about with you? Remember Jesus’ exaggerated comparison of seeing a mote in someone else’s eye and missing the log in your own? Do you recognize when you are in a situation and making that first small decision?

Maybe it’s relationship, maybe fitness and health, maybe ethics. And someone could say, “I saw it coming.” It would be best if we saw it coming to ourselves and diverted. Or if we were kind to a fellow human and tell them we see it coming and can we help them divert.

This week the Christian community remembers Jesus’ final week. When he and his closest followers went from triumph to despair to defeat to final victory. He saw it coming. Tried to prepare the others. They didn’t understand for days. Same can happen to us.

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Being Compassionate

April 3, 2014

Do you notice that there are “memes” that run through Facebook? Someone starts a thought that gets repeated by many for a day or two.

A recent meme circulated by many of my “friends” on Facebook had to do with getting rid of “deadbeats”. They don’t say what they’d do with them; but they want them gone.

I wonder if any of these sheltered people know any poor people relationally. It’s easy. In America today, millions of people are just one illness away from bankruptcy.

What gets to me more than the politics is the attitude. When I glance through the posts–many from people I know personally–the cynicism, arrogance, and lack of empathy just totally strikes at my heart. Are these people really that heartless? Or are they just parroting the “party line?”

Willow Creek Community Church just began its annual three-weekend long Compassion series called Celebration of Hope. Last Sunday, Executive Pastor and Director of Compassion and Justice, Heather Larson, spoke on compassion. This message deserves a listen.

I’m not the kind of liberal who arose especially in the late 60s who is optimistic that government can be a tool to eradicate all poverty and injustice. Neither am I the type of conservative prevalent today that seems to reflect the attitude of self-centeredness and condescension.

I would rather challenge everyone whatever their social status to have compassion toward everyone and especially those who have suffered misfortune. That is one of the things we do to live like a disciple of Jesus.

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Change Your Personality

March 27, 2014

Know anyone who was once addicted to something–sex, drugs, alcohol, TV, gaming–and then “got converted” and became addicted to Jesus (or some other religion or pseudo-religion)?

They had the same personality. It was just directed in a different manner. Hopefully less personally destructive, although not always.

Can you really change your personality?

I have witnessed personalities change over time. Mine certainly has–considerably. Sometimes that’s good. Sometimes not.

You can take the Myers-Briggs Types Indicator and see where you fall as one of 16 personality types. Some things don’t change. I’m “Thinking” rather than “Feeling” rather strongly. (My Extrovert/Introvert type is just borderline E–could go either way, for example.) My whole life if you give me information, I’ll analyze it. Think about it. I tend to go with thinking rather than how I feel about it.

Sometimes an analytical personality will drive people crazy–especially the feeling types.

Looked at another way, there are controlling types of people. They actually can change, learn to let go and loosen up a little. Become more aware of others and gain a broader perspective.

I grew up with a worrier and anxious type. It rubbed off on me, of course. But I learned skills to cope. 45 years of meditation also helps bring down anxiety and controlling tendencies–you can become at once more mellow and more focused.

Knowing personality type helps you understand why you like certain types of worship rather than others. You can learn it isn’t good or bad–some people just are more comfortable with one type.

Knowing when your type drives other people crazy can be the first step toward toning down the negative parts of a type and enhancing the positive–thus getting along with other types.

I have seen personalities change over time. Beware of sudden personality changes in yourself or someone you know. That could be a symptom of a problem. But it probably helps all of us to mellow out the extremes of our personality type and learn to get along.

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Living With Diversity Or Dealing With Outcasts

March 13, 2014

Jesus and his followers for the next 300 years or so understood that they lived in a multi-ethnic society. They did not expect that the whole neighborhood, city, country were just like them. They had a message about how to live life in the Spirit and wanted to share it.

I grew up Methodist in a Lutheran town (pop. 1,000). We were taught there were vast differences between us. So, go figure when the first “hillbillies” moved into town. Wow, the old women started talking. (I spent time with my great-grandmother, so that’s the group I heard.)

Now, look at the New Testament. Jesus, Paul, and the rest. They dealt routinely with people from a variety of cultures. Of course, there were people who “kept to their own kind.” But not these people.

Our politicians in Washington are debating immigration again (still?). Politics is one thing, and I don’t care to discuss it. But much of the argument comes from attitude. That, I’ll discuss. They’re not like us. They speak a different language. Have a different culture. Eat different foods. We still have people who wish to keep to their own kind.

Look at the example of Jesus (recorded in John 4). In two quick stories, back-to-back, John tells about Jesus talking with a woman (gasp) alone by a well outside the city. Oops, she’s also from an outcast part of the area (Samaritan). That’s two strikes. What is he up to?

Then he stays two days in the Samaritan town. Remember, Jews at the time would walk for miles to go around the area of Samaria rather than even walk through it. Can you imagine Jesus’ disciples? What were they thinking when Jesus said, “OK, let’s spend a couple of days here.”

The very next story concerns a Roman. Even worse than a Samaritan. Jesus heals his child.

The Samaritans believed. The Roman believed. There are no comments in the text. It’s just business as usual for Jesus.

Just so for us. Many of us in the Midwest grew up in homogeneous towns. Many others grew up among the same type of people even in cities. Some still live apart from others.

Following the example of our pioneer leaders in faith, we need to learn to live with diversity. Understand that others are also human, with the same needs and desires. We all need to live in the Spirit of God.

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Expecting People to Change Before We Befriend Them

March 4, 2014

Do you expect people to change before you will associate with them? People often think that their husband/wife will change after marriage, but people in church often (usually?) say, “Change, and then you can join us.”

John (the disciple, apostle, writer of the Gospel) is an excellent writer. To call him “uneducated” is a slander. He just didn’t attend the “right school.” He packs so much into a story that we give it a disservice by reading it quickly.

The story about the man healed by the Pool of Bethesda that I discussed yesterday is such a story. The point of the story was to show that Jesus was the Son of God. The subpoint was that the Jewish religious establishment hated him and wanted to kill him.

Why such animosity? Because Jesus threatened their very way of life. He threatened their superiority. They had set themselves aside with the vocation of being good. The studied scriptures and laws all day and followed every law. They were good.

And, they said that if you’ll change and be good, then maybe you can be one of us.

Jesus said to people, follow me and then you’ll change.

Jesus told the man to get up, pick up his mat, go and sin no more.

Oops, that violated a law. It was the Sabbath. The Lord said, don’t work on the Sabbath. The lawyers had to define work. One of the many detailed what you could carry before it was considered work. This man violated that rule.

Do we react to people we meet in the way of the Pharisees? Instead of rejoicing, we look for reasons to disapprove. We tell people that if they become like us, then they can be our friends–maybe, instead of welcoming other people and leading them to a life in the Spirit.

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It’s Not Where We’re Going, It’s What We Do

February 19, 2014

My study is in a period of John. One of my small groups is reading the Gospel, another the Revelation. I’m more interested in the Gospel.

I’ve been reflecting on all my readings of the Gospels over the past 50 years or so. The thought popped up some time ago–the message of the Gospels and indeed the message of Jesus rarely had anything to do with heaven and hell.

Many of my friends devote many cycles of their brain functioning worrying about who is going to heaven and who is going to hell.

Mostly the message is all about our relationships. Primarily our relationship to God. That determines our relationships to money (often a topic) and to others. That may be why thinkers such as Richard Foster and Dallas Willard talk so much about the “with-God” life.

I started to meditate in my late teens. The theory was that you meditated to achieve “enlightenment” or a God experience. Many contemplatives have written about their revelations and experiences. I have also on occasion.

But this old Zen proverb just came to my attention again–“Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.”

It’s not about enlightenment, God experiences or who’s going to heaven. It’s about what we do and how we do it and our motivations in the next minute. I often ask my students, “When you leave this room, what will you do? How will you act? What will be your attitude?”

Am I living with-God minute-by-minute? It’s the relationship.

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