Archive for the ‘Awareness’ Category

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We Are So Self-Deceiving

September 14, 2015

“People are masters of self-deception.” Andy Stanley during a recent podcast.

I was talking with a guy I know last week. He calls a group of friends. Several times a week. But he’s OK. Never talks longer than 10 minutes–except last week I really got him into a conversation.

You see, he has Aspergers (or he slides somewhere on the autistic spectrum, or whatever the phrase du jour of the DSM is). He is a bright individual. He knows more about country music than anyone I know. But he lacks much in the way of social skills. 

I’ve learned the hard way, never tease him. Actually, don’t joke. He’s always serious. Even worse than me (sometimes I think that I had a touch of that–the two readers who knew me in elementary and high school would probably vouch for my almost total lack of social skills).

But we talked about his bouts of depression. I don’t know to what degree he’s still in therapy. But he is quite aware of himself. He asks why he gets into those depressions. Last winter he was in a dip and I suggested it might be the weather. Told him that often people get depressed toward the end of the winter season. He remembers that. But the temperature was 90, and he was beginning to feel depressed.

I’m impressed.

There are many people I have known in my life who have conditions. Everyone knows they have something. Often it’s something that would warrant a diagnosis and treatment. But they have no clue.

One of the prevalent conditions of our time is narcissism. People who exhibit those tendencies never see a problem. They are somewhat aware that they think first of themselves before others, but they don’t see that as a problem. They think it’s just natural. Trust me, I’ve asked the question of several. 

Paul addesses how to live your life in the last third of the letter to the Romans. After laying a theological and psychological foundation about sin and redemption, he continues to answer the important question–after believing that God raised Jesus from death to life, now what.

Paul essentially quotes Jesus–love God and love your neighbor. Read chaper 12. It’s a wonderfully succint guide to life. 

On the road to self-awareness and seeing through your self-deception, it is useful to have a means of measurement. Chapter 12 of Romans provides one of those measures.

Are you loving? Or, are you deceitful? Do you try to understand and help people? Or, are you more concerned with getting what you think you deserve? Are you in a loving, supportive community?

How do you measure up? What can you do to change your life direction such that you do?

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Self-Criticism or Self-Justification

June 23, 2015

From the sayings of the Desert Fathers: We have abandoned the light yoke of self-criticism and put on the heavy yoke of self-justification.

How often do we read a proverb or a parable of Jesus and think, “This does not apply to me. I am OK. Never do that.” 

Worse, we read something and think, “Yes, I’ve done that, but….”

Criticism does not necessarily mean negative. It does mean dispassionate evaluation. The ability to put our mind outside ourselves, so to speak, and look at ourselves.

There was a time in my life where I think I had anger issues. I’d don’t remember clearly except for one incident. Maybe I was 10 or 11. I was fighting another kid in the neighborhood. Suddenly I saw myself from outside. It was a moment of epiphany. “What the heck am I doing?” I thought. I got up, quit, and became a personal pacifist from that moment forward.

Although the temper bred from insecurity still showed up from time to time. I can still remember the last time. With great shame, by the way. It was maybe seven or eight years ago. Maybe more. There’s a guy who can get under my skin. He did. I exploded. 

When I should have showed some anger I chose to look at the big picture and let it pass. There was no win.

That thought process is self-criticism. I’m not justifying by saying that person was at fault. I was aware. I didn’t act appropriately. It’s all on me.

Do you know people who have no concept of self-criticism? Especially people with narcissistic tendencies have trouble looking at themselves.

Ask a narcissist, “Don’t you seem to think of yourself first?”, and they will reply, “Yes, of course” as if to say, “Duh.”

I have met these–and even asked the question. And received the answer.

According to a recent study, the best way to get beyond this attitude is to listen–really listen–to others. Hemmingway once said, “When you listen, listen completely. Most people don’t listen.”

As I teach Yoga, I remind the class to listen to their bodies and minds. I want them to become self-aware. That is the first step toward developing the ability to look at ourselves critcally and reward ourselves for steps in the right direction and pull ourselves back onto the right track.

Put on the light yoke of self-criticism. Check your mind and body frequently.

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Reflection Empowers Your Day, Your Life

June 19, 2015

Life requires a rhythm. Almost all successful people rise early and get important thought work done. They are in bed by 10.

I usually am up by 5:30. Make coffee and a piece of toast. Read from various sources, meditate & pray, plan the day. Usually I write this blog. Then I am off for a workout–run in the park (or a treadmill), weights 3x per week, short Yoga series. Then off to the coffee shop to write.

There are three pauses that can make all the difference in your effectiveness, balance, and outlook. They are daily, weekly, monthly. I also set aside a couple of days between Christmas and New Years to think about the coming year.

The monthly pause comes easier for me. Take a Sunday evening at the end of a month. Gather you to do lists and notes. Review your lists and notes–checking what you’ve done, not done, and wish you had done. Take a longer view of what you wish to accomplish this year and where your focus should be for the month. Perhaps take a note card and write six things that you wish to devote energy toward in the coming month. Carry this card and refer to it daily. This period of reflection could last an hour or two. Probably no more.

The weekly pause comes less easy. Sometimes Sunday evening comes with a sigh of relief, and I unwind and go to bed. But even 15-30 minutes to review the coming week’s calendar and to do lists before you go to bed will feed information into your unconscious mind and help you start the week productively.

Benjamin Franklin kept a meticulous time planner. He asked himself daily two things. When he arose, he asked, “What good shall I do today?” At the end of the day he paused to reflect, “What good have I done today?”

Sometimes days and weeks get hectic. We fall into bed exhausted. We awake exhausted.

Sometimes we take that pause for reflection. It calms us and focuses us. And we are better prepared for the day.

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Distractions Steal Your Awareness

May 28, 2015

They had important guests. A bunch of guys they knew had dropped by for a couple of days of relaxation and conversation. These were friends. But still, one had to show appropriate hospitality.

Two sisters and a brother lived in the house. One sister was busy doing the right thing. She was being hospitable. She asked the guests what they wanted to drink. She scurried around assembling a dinner for 13 guests.

Like most women in the situation, she was a bit frazzled. And a bit upset. No, more than a bit.

What was that worthless sister of hers doing sitting there talking with the guests leaving her with all the work? Doesn’t she know that men sit around and talk. Women prepare the meal. That’s the way it was then. That’s the way it had been for 1,000 years before.

So, she goes to the head guy and asks him to tell her sister to go help.

“Martha, Martha,” Jesus replied. You know you’re in trouble when he repeats your name. “You are distracted by many things. Your sister Mary has chosen the better way.”

Mary was focused on learning and growing and on the relationship they had with Jesus.

There Martha was, a chance to learn from the world’s greatest teacher. Right there in her living room. And she was distracted.

The guests would have been happy with whatever they could pull together to eat.

Distraction steals from your awareness. It therefore steals from the future. Awareness leads to focus. Focus leads to becoming. By focusing on the right things, a person can grow to be all that God created them to be.

What is today’s distraction? Or, even what is the distraction of the minute?

I sometimes need noise around in order to focus better. I can sit for two hours at a noisy coffee shop and focus better than in the quiet of my office. There are all those opportunities for distraction that I can tune out. In the quiet of my office, I can glance up at a familiar painting or at my bookcase, and my mind can go off on some tangent. I’m distracted.

Then I remember, don’t let distraction be a thief.

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A Call To Men To Be Clear

May 12, 2015

first published April 9, 2015

Adam should have spoken. He didn’t. We’re all screwed.

That is the problem statement of “Men of Courage” by Larry Crabb and others. Men are too often silent when they should speak up.

I had the privilege of working as part of a small team of local men who had an idea for a men’s conference. Call to Convergence was held this past weekend. We had no clue how many men would show, but we picked 75 as a good target number. 70 registered. It was a good weekend.

Our principle speaker used that book as the starting point of his talks. Men are called to speak up, to share. Maybe not sharing every emotion like women seem to be wired to do. But, as one person said after the Friday night talks, it’s all about transparency. Not hiding.

The solution part of the book calls men to mentoring. We are called to intentionally find someone who could use a mentor and take action. Invite someone for breakfast or lunch. Ask. Listen. Guide. Help them on their journey.

By the way, we live in a small county. Population of about 56,000. To have 70 people come out in the snow was a great blessing. We all felt that the event wasn’t about us, but about God. And God blessed the gathering. 

Men asked about what to do during the year until we have the second one. Always a great sign when people ask for action steps.

Reading the Bible

By the way, you might want to re-read the story of Adam, Eve, the serpent, and the metaphorical tree. 

When we read the Bible (or anything, really), often we let past memory guide us and fill in the blanks, so to speak. Did you realize that Adam was present during the whole episode? Not my memory either. When I read it later after learning about the story, my memory took over and I didn’t read the passage clearly.

The passage clearly implies that Adam was right there. It doesn’t say that Eve went to him sometime later. It says she turned to him and offered him the fruit. Adam heard the whole conversation. Surely he knew better. But he didn’t speak up.

Two lessons:

Speak up when you see someone going off the path.

When you read the Bible, clear your mind and read what it really says.

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We Limit Ourselves

May 6, 2015

A TV series that ran in the late 1960s followed the travails of a baffled man who found himself in a village. It was a happy place. Everyone was smiling. Everything was clean and neat. It did not seem sinister, at least on the surface. Perhaps a little like that city Disney built outside Orlando where every thing must be the same. Nice and neat and clean. And everyone is happy all the time.

The man felt trapped even though very well cared for. There was no way out.

The man was in constant pursuit of Number Two. This person would be the gateway to discovering Number One—the true overseer of the captivity.

Gene Appel, pastor at Eastside Christian Church in Anaheim, CA, pointed out something that resonated at a deep level. “Your past mistakes limit your future options.”

You’re a guy with a group of guys. Just hanging out. After midnight. Do I need to state that nothing good happens when there is a group of guys hanging out after midnight.

Someone has a brilliant (well so you thought) idea. The net result is that the whole group is busted. Arrested. Jailed. Tried. Even if it’s a misdemeanor, it’s on the record.

Now you want a job that requires security clearance. Oops.

Or, you’re a girl or young woman. All the other girls have guys. They all talk about the great sex they are having (or so they say). You’re guy applies a little pressure, and…now you’re pregnant. Yep, your future is now limited.

Our choices may not be that extreme, but they do limit future options—sometimes that’s good. Sometimes it’s bad.

When we are limiting ourselves, we had best do so intentionally. Stop and think about the future consequences of our choices.

Oh, and the man in the village? During the last episode he gains a meeting with Number Two. An empty chair is in the room reserved for Number One.

Number Two of course tells the man to have a seat. He’s been Number One the entire time. He has imprisoned himself!

What about you and me? Have we let our mistakes and poor choices imprison us? Time to break free.

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What Is God Like?

April 21, 2015

“He is an old man with a long, white beard.”

“He is angry, vengeful, and if we don’t do the right things to satisfy him, we’ll go to Hell.”

“He is so full of love that he blesses everything and everybody.”

“She is the creator giving birth to the universe.”

“He constructed the universe and developed all the physical laws that run it.”

None of these, of course, can be found in the Bible without the use of much imagination. Jesus said Father. John said spirit and love.

The old man and many other myths come from the Middle Ages and its particular blend of fears and incorporation of pagan ideas into Christianity.

We must be mindful of how we come to God.

If our emotions rule us, they will construct a God in the image of whatever prevalent emotion we may have: fear, sympathy, love, disinterest.

If our intellect rules us, it will construct a God of distance, impersonal, giver of physical and other laws.

We work out our relationship with God bringing our whole self before the Father pleading for wholeness in our mind, body, soul. We move, as Paul put it, away from childish ideas about God. 

As in all relationships, this relationship grows over time. We discover more and more about each other. We grow closer, then more distant. We correct each other (well, maybe we don’t correct God, but we certainly try, don’t we).

Take care what rules us. Every morning ask for God to rule our emotions, thoughts, and actions during the coming day.

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Maintaining a Tranquil Mind

April 20, 2015

Everyone felt the stress deep inside. A large group of people needed to stay together as they navigated an airport in a foreign nation. None had been through that airport recently. But navigate they must in order to board the next plane taking them home.

The first plane landed at one end of the airport. The plane carrying the group over the Atlantic was scheduled to depart 50 minutes later–from the other end of the airport.

Some people in the group were reasonably fit and could make a fast walk/run. Others were challenged by one of a variety of physical conditions that would slow them down.

Upon arriving at the gate, which no one really knew was the gate, the group was divided and then shuttled from one queue to the next and back again.

At times like this, one needs to have practiced the wisdom of Proverbs so that it is deeply imprinted on the soul–“A tranquil mind gives life to the flesh.” (14:30)

We made it, of course.

And then made the JFK connection and arrived home safely.

I was part of a group that vacationed on a Danube River cruise from Nuremberg to Budapest. Ten days. Tired at that point. That’s why I reposted 10 days worth of blogs–which I guess didn’t get picked up by the email app. I’ll have to check that out. I tried to write ahead, but ran out of time.

International travel is a growth experience, if you choose to approach it that way. You pick up pieces of new languages. Experience other cultures. Learn that people are people no matter where you go. Good, evil, mostly good.

And with a little stress at the end, you learn about your character in the response to it.

This is where self-awareness enters.

I know that I can mostly maintain the tranquil mind. When things are out of my control and I have no knowledge of the system, I get quite snippy about perceived lack of good policy and procedure–especially at airports. But then I can settle back into the state of tranquility.

Nice to be home again. But I do miss Nuremberg and Budapest–two of my favorite cities.

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