Apologies to Kenny Rogers, but I’ve just finished two books packed with research and advice on growing in our interpersonal relationships. As a socially challenged geek, I need all the help I can get.
One book STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut, Dan Lyons tells us how is overpowering urge to talk almost cost him a relationship with his family when he found himself alone in an apartment. He reflected on a life filled with chatter. He worked on learning to maintain quiet. This is a superpower I wish I had. I can be quiet. If someone brings up a subject with which I’m conversant, I will, er, converse….
I used to tape a little label on my phone case: STFU. It was a reminder that I sometimes heeded.
Of course a good essay needs a compare and contrast (one of my political science professor’s favorite test question). NY Times and The Atlantic columnist and author David Brooks explored how to have significant conversations in order to learn How To Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.
Shall we stop and reflect on our interactions with others? Do we find ourselves talking at someone or talking with someone? Talking with requires that we actually hear the other person. And not only the words that vibrate our hearing system. What are they saying between the lines? What expressions do they hold? What was left out? Posture? Gaze?
I think a teacher of personal growth could take this book and turn it into a meaningful short-term class.
A particularly moving chapter tells the story of the depression and eventual suicide of Brooks’ lifetime friend. How he didn’t even realize the depth of depression. How he didn’t see the suicide coming. His lesson came later as he realized that not being a professional there was nothing he could have done to heal his friend. But he reflected on the many times he could have heard, deeply heard, his friend. That would have been helpful, if not healing.
Compare and contrast? Sometimes you have to be quiet and really listen to the person you’re with.
Faith Venture 
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